In my mind, in my head.

I need to get this out of my head.

Out now.

Each time I get too sad of the current me, I tend to get back on this blog and read on how stupid I used to be in the past and felt a little better of the current me.

Each time I came up with the courage of writing again, it will only last on the first post "of the time I had the courage to write again" and then it died. Died instantly after the remorse post of reflecting all the things in the past.

I tend to leave the past year, after year. And tend to repeat the same thing over and over and over again. I realised that I've been doing it yearly.

Some may asked why now?

Maybe because it finally came into realisation that I am old enough to stop being stupid.
It's time to grow old.

Probably it's not forgiving everyone that I kept blaming on why I felt miserable sometimes.
Probably it's time to forgive myself.

Ya Allah, give me courage to start now.


Sidenotes:
11 months from the last post is way too long for self reflecting.

The New Year's week aftermath.

It's been almost 2 weeks after New Year. Some people started it off with an accident, some with a new job, some finding the passion doing things that they always loved, and so forth.

2012: Weighty and loving it.

Before we get to how's my New Year aftermath was, let me started off how I celebrated my New Year's eve.

The truth is, I didn't.

Second year in a row where I don't fancy fireworks display or out partying with friends. Sounds boring? A bit yes. But I enjoyed every moment of the night with myself, in my room resting my mind off the world I'm living in. Almost enjoyed every moment of the night until a friend of mine decided to pop out at my house and chit chat.

The 1st day of New Year, I woke up hastily and lazing in bed until an old buddy from my old workplace asked me out for lunch. Played pool together, and had fun making myself look stupid with a cue stick.

1st picture taken for the year 2012

Then along came Monday, back to work and the same routine starts off. Woke up, shower and off to work. Back from work and back to bed. So I don't get the idea of celebrating the New Year with the same daily routine as usual.

Everything is going on great so far. Up until few days back.

Mishaps started off on Tuesday.

Was on the way back from a convenient store buying gums, while crossing the road I heard a very loud kitty sound. Meowing, like crying out. Look around and saw a kitten stuck under a car trying to cross the street. I was also crossing the road at the same time, and tried to call the kitten out of the car. It was red light, so the cars wasn't moving. Hastily, the kitten came out by itself and jumped on the road divider I was standing. Wanted to help the kitten across the road safely, but along came a motorcycle and it scares off the kitten. It went back under the car again. 

Then the light turn green. Noted that the car behind the car the kitten was hiding basically saw my ordeal trying to take the kitty away. When the car moved I went forward to pick the kitty up but the car behind it decided to move as well and almost hit me. He did brake though.

Oh Humanity. What ever happened to it?

I did however managed to get the kitten across and I hoped he/she didn't stupidly try to cross the road again. Well I almost got hit for you, make it worth while at least.

After work later that day I met Ilyas, a very close friend of mine way back during uni-days. He's always my lunch/tea time hanging out buddy back in pre-degree days. We're from different course but staying in the same campus during that time.

Earlier that day, I already felt something wrong with my face. Tingling swollen feeling in my upper left eye.

Ilyas and Me and that little red patch on my left eye

For starters, I know I'm not pretty. And by having a swollen red patch makes me look much more uglier. I thought it was the normal eye infection, so I went to the pharmacy and bought myself eye drops for swollen eyes. Later the evening after we're out from the cinema, Ilyas said "Your eyes is a little much pink than before."

Well that night I went to bed and hoped it won't get any worst than it is.

But I woke up to this...

Had to grayscale it, as the original photo might make you puke

Went to the doctor yesterday evening and guess what. My tear duct got clogged up, making my eyes swell. The doctor said maybe I've been crying too much and didn't wash my face after that.

I found her explanation was kind of stupid. Who actually wake up and wash their face after they cry? What if I cried myself to sleep and wake up the next day instead?

She said I need to do eyelid hygiene routine, and bla bla bla.

Worst case scenario however, if the swell doesn't go down in few days time I might need to go under a mini operation to remove crystallized tears in my tear duct or else I won't be able to cry again.

How cool is that?

Guys can go break my heart even more after knowing I cannot cry shit.

I'm off on 2 days medical leave, but need to go to work tomorrow to settle some things. 

I miss work!

I miss everyone at work! 

I miss my Boss!

My drivers! 

The people I liaised with, shit I miss everyone.

Hope everything goes on well for me. I hope the swelling goes down soon. Eye operation? I don't want to go under the knife. I'm ugly as it is already.

Have a great weekend ahead everyone, if I do need to go for the operation, just remember me as how I used to be.

Sidenotes:

Maybe God is telling me to appreciate the finer things in life.