Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

In a couple of hours time, 2009 is going to take its final bow and drags in another number : 2010. What a crazy, dramatic, loved, hormonal year it has been.

To me 2009, is a year of heartbreak. The year where I've heard a lot "I'll be there for you if you need me", "No matter what I'll always love you", "I can be myself when I'm around you", "If you leave me, who else going to call me *insert pet names here*", "I love you because of you", or "Must there be a reason to love you?"

Craps.

I hope 2010, is not another year of dysfunctional relationships with everyone I met in my life. Few days ago, few friends told me they saw some improvement in me. I asked them what sort of improvement? They said  I sound okay, happy and moved on. Z even told me, "See, it doesn't hurt that bad, right.."

What they don't know is, I had double dosage of heartbreak in a week.

So what do I look forward to in 2010? I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. I'm not going to plan anything specific, as knowing myself very well the whole resolution list would only be sticking up on the fridge for 1 month, before I start crowding it with other important notices or pictures. So to summarize everything I want in the 2010, I would just say happiness in life, good health, and lots of money. Perhaps world peace as well?

I'm turning 23 years old next year. In 7 years time I'll be 30? Oh sheesh. Well, age is just a number. Whats the point of having a big number in your profile or resume, if you're still acting like a child who runs away from responsible when you're the one who broke the vase? In my case, hearts.

Well let me let go now since its over for me.

Anyway, I'm still in dazed where to celebrate my New Year. When I asked around, majority spells out The Curve. Like theres no other better place than that? But then I did surveyed whats happening tomorrow, besides the major clubs, The Curve seems to be a good choice if you just need to be in an open crowd instead of chugging beer bottles and mad heartbroken drunk people. Yes, New Year parties usually are filled with broken hearted cases who drinks away gulps to bid sorrow away from their life. And some are on the prowl of looking for someone new to screwed up with.


I'm just going with the majority votes later on where to celebrate our New Year.

I wish everyone would have a splendid year ahead, filled with love, happiness, good carrier, and good health. In conclusion I wish all the goodness for everyone. Hope we're not looking forward to the new year for a new start on our old habits.

Happy New Year, and be safe everyone.

I love you guys loads, always and forever just like how I love you guys in the previous years.

See you in my first post for 2010.

Short notes:
Will I get what I want in few days time?

If ever there was a doubt. My love, he leans into me.

When someone told you he'll always be there for you when you need him. How long would he be there until he decided to leave? 2 weeks? 4 months? 1 year? Or when he is with you, is he with someone else too as well? Questions seems to pour in and out lately. It's been days since "The Day" happened. Thoughts lingered in my head for these past few days.

I do need him now, but he's not here to answer my every questions, my confusion. How is it to hang a tab curtain without a rod? How do you plug in your speaker when there is no more USB port left? How do you cook that Durian sambal? How do you it would make me laugh when you do that whole rapper imitation singing? How do you make everything feels right when I am wrong?

Sometimes it doesn’t feel so bad, you know? The pain and the constant ache. It’s like a toothache that never goes away, but it is in your heart. And like a toothache, every time you bite into something hard, it hurts a whole lot more. Perhaps like a few BBQ skewers piercing through flesh? 

I hope God do listen to my prayers, the thoughts in my mind. Hope the Almighty could give me some closure on whats been happening in my life lately. I know what I want. But does He want to give it to me? Sheesh. I am not asking much, just a little bit of sign saying theres hope left for me still. 

Two days till New Year. Been invited to a New Year party by RD. The next day another party in Euphoria with B. Decided not to write any resolutions as I always do every year because I only want one thing in this world. Am I going to get it? I hope I do.

Short notes:
Short post today as I don't think I do have any interesting updates until New Year.

As the year 09 ticks off...

Last weekend and today was a blast.

Ikea with housemates, did a little grocery shopping, hanging out at Mali's Corner with S and Z, street gazing down the KL roads, unplanned Putrajaya trip with Z and A, Ikea again few random people, watched Alvin and the Chipmunks, random arguments with someone, untouched dinner and received a highly anticipated message reply in my inbox.

Yes, I've typed it out all in chronological order.

Random things seems to excites me lately. I miss how I used to be back in the days. The Eryn who wakes up looking forward to cooking lunch, where to eat for dinner, sushi take-outs, donuts indulgence, chocolate feedings, facial-mask treatments and so many littlest-activities in the world that seems to fulfill my heart with its own definition of Happiness.

Not that I didn't enjoy myself lately but a certain kind of happiness seems to be missing out from my heart which turns me into a very unstable lady with an unpredictable bitch-fit every hour or two.

Okay. Maybe not every hour or two. If it does occurs every hour or two, I would gladly drive myself to the nearest mental ward for depression diagnosis. But yeah, lately I get pissed off quite easy, lay off the whole period statement because I haven't got my period due too being all stressed out. Heart feels numb and goes on cardiac arrest mode every now and then. Theres a shovel in my heart and it's digging a hole.

The year 2009 is drawing its curtains down soon, some people been asking me what is my New Year resolution? What do I want in my life if it ends tomorrow?

Happiness.

Enough said.

Short notes:

Sleeping time seems to be all haywired, I need my Valium back.

Anywhere but Here.

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still. 
Like when they say, "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end."

Short notes:

Nothing much to say today. Just got back from doing groceries with my housemates. Going to chill with a couple of friends tonight for dinner and drinks. My head starts to feel dizzy a little as I'm typing this, hence I decided not to blog on anything today. Will be back soon before you know it.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Because I know I did.

Take care and be safe babes.

Loving everyone loads =)

You won't get a decision from me...

Because I'm a rag doll when it comes to making up my mind.

What happened last night was just mad. But thanks to Q and Z, I made it through the day without a single tear. Had a splendid breakfast + lunch prepared by them. It is just wonderful when you have caring housemates like them, although what we're having were just reheated-leftovers from yesterday's party they went to. Stayed in the room through out the afternoon listening to songs while it rained in bliss outside my window. The weather was just perfect for me to sit and gather all my thoughts, to make up for the love I just lost.

Evening came in, and decided to tag along my housemates for dinner. Original plan was to go to Subang for dinner and shop some groceries. But then in the end we head down to Ikea, because they need to get a table for their bedroom. Well what else could you eat in Ikea rather than beefballs? So we had beefballs for dinner and as usual I took a very long time finishing my food. They thought I had a hard time finishing my food because of it was just too much of a portion for me. What they didn't know was, I was flashing back the day I brought you over to Ikea for the first time, with our little drama being flagged down by the police and got yourself a summon. Plus the ordeal of finding where exactly we park our ride and got lost in the car park.

Behind the beefballs and smiles, I was hurting inside.

Well enough of reminiscing, we then proceed to the department store. Ikea has a lot of weird looking-unimaginable stuff and utensils sometimes and I had a hard time laughing over Q and Z making fun of every single thing they laid their hands on. Spotted a lot of heart-themed curtains, cushions, gift wrappers and ribbons. It just wrecked and drenched me inside thinking of some issues. After an hour in there and they got themselves a table and curtains for their bedroom. We then head across to the flea market at The Curve. It sucks-balls really. Nothing interesting that caught my attention.

Or probably, my mind just wasn't there.

I miss you love.  

Short notes:

I woke up this morning. With the burning of love hanging over my head, as I walked into the living room, thinking what's going on. Tell me, so that I understand. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning with a hurting that I would never ever wish upon, even my worst enemy. 

I could tolerate one bullshit perday so please don't make it two...

Three or more. If you have to, please put and tag them in a group. Thank you.

It's over and done. Something I've been keeping inside of me. I've cleared myself off. It hurts to both me and her but at least my dearest significant other, theres no more lies, no more confusion, no more pretending. 

Its over. Why can't you do the same? I don't know what you're waiting for. Stop acting like the good person here now. I know after my whole confession, she would hate me, call me any four, five or six letter word she could think off. It wasn't easy for me as well, but I just have to do it. I don't care anymore about my feelings, our friendship, or whatever rendezvous we were having on.

I did appreciate you and made you happy but heck you couldn't see it and throw me away just like that. I don't mind being thrown around, but please stop all this nonsense and lies. You know I was being honest and  had admitted everything that happened, probably that is why you didn't reply my question. 

Who is the one full of Bullshit now?

The problem with you is about trying to show as if you are the good person to your partner and even more to your ex-partners now. In a given example, a guy would show himself to his ex-gf that he is the most perfect guy she could ever get in her life although he is a cold blooded criminal, thug, rapist or whatever bad person you could name of here.

Perhaps I can put this as being one of your weakness. Maybe you're the type who loves showing their weakness as someone's mistake. Basically this is what people call as Selfish ?

I couldn't believe I let this happened and drag this long. But at least I feel at ease now. Hate me for the rest of your life for telling her, but then karma is a bitch babe. You did this to her, putting me on guilt trip, and I know you lied about some stuff to me as well, not just to her but then when did you ever care anyway?

If you did care about her feelings and was the person I thought you were, please tell her the truth. She needs to know. But please don't twist the story which is already twisted.

Heck, I even probably end up in Hell for all thats been said and done. You don't have to wish me of going to Hell, because we might walk down the lane together, holding hands. Enough said.

May you find solace in the arms of another woman.

Short notes:

I am truly sorry.

On the eve of Christmas Santa gave to me...

A heartbreak.

A gift perfectly wrap in red ribbons with a tag saying...

"To Eryn: You've been a very good girl but ain't karma a bitch?"

I am still grieving over the gift Santa gave to me. Going through the hours today is quite hard for me. Everything seems to be disoriented, misplaced and out of order. But throughout the confusion I had today, I came up with an idea, that I hope it will work when the time comes. My heart probably is a little bit sticky due to a lot of adhesive tape being duct around it. A little bit of crack here, a little of hole there. Should try covering it up with cement. Or maybe Plaster of Paris will work the trick. If my heart shatters again, then probably its time to sculpt a new one. Shall make a star shape of something, or maybe something round like Ultraman's and beeps little blue light when I'm barely breathing anymore.

Everyone who knows what happened yesterday already expected it to happen. Some said I already knew the consequences but I am still being the Eryn who believes she can make donuts out of stone. Eryn who lives in a world where everyone is a pony. They ate rainbow and poop out butterflies.They drank rain drops and pee out honey. I know that was just cute right?

They said I was just too stubborn and I need to wake up and stop all this hopeful believing in miracle crap.

Open my eyes and smell the coffee.

By the was as I am blogging this, it is already past midnight.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my wonderful readers and to my loved ones out there, you know who you are. I just had a thought of this whole wishing or conveying celebration wishes idea.

Before sending text messages or some would refer to as SMS was an in-thing, sending greeting cards was something everyone look forward to. Two weeks before any big celebration, mail comes pouring in with greeting cards some are fancy, some are plain, some with pop-out arts, and some even play music.

Then comes the SMS trend where everyone look forward to midnight, then text messages comes pouring in with greetings and fancy wording messages. Some with pictures, and theres a few of them who don't mind spending an extra 10 or 20 cents to send a MMS with music or video.

But now theres something much more bigger than SMS apparently.

Facebook.

Just load some Christmas theme picture obtained from Google or if you're daring enough put on some Santa or  Sexy Elf outfit, snap snap and start tagging everyone in the picture. Technology had really taken over our lives whether we like it or not.

Maybe soon people just don't invite friends to weddings anymore. Snap snap few pictures in wedding gown in the studio and tag everyone it in with the message...

We're married ?! 

Have a safe holiday folks. Thoughts and prayers goes to all of you.
I love you all always.

Short notes:

It only takes a minute of your precious time, to turn around. I'll be two steps behind.

Post-Depression: Day 1

I had a good night sleep yesterday. Slept early, well not that early but then it's considered early than the usual 7am sleeping shot.

No dreams, no vivid images, nothing.

Just a blank sleep.

But I woke up feeling miserable again.

Messages keep pouring in, phone calls keep coming. Everyone keep on asking how am I doing today.

Not good. Is that enough of an answer?

Meanwhile some people do enjoy looking at me grieving with my sadness. Its been a while since I mourned over something. But I am still hopeful over this matter.

The sun would shine again, if you keep on fanning off the dark clouds. Until then I will keep on hoping, and trying. Good things do come to those who wait. Sheesh. I am very hopeful when it comes to certain things.

Crossing my fingers, closing my eyes blowing my wishes all the way to Happiness.

Will blog something solid soon, after I get things cleared out of my head.

Short notes:

"Dam dam Seze". I just love the way Neytiri said that. It is just so sexy.

If there is a place further from me, I beg you do not go.

Love makes us crazy. Agree?

Well literally. I had my share of the good, the bad, and the slightly ugly aspects of romance.

It is good when, your love calls to say he or she can’t wait to see you again, and everything in the world becomes a little brighter: your claustrophobic room becomes charmingly cosy. When you fall for someone, you'll feel exhilarated. And the intensity of that joy spills over into every aspect of the rest of your life, mitigating any negative things that may be going on. We tend to recall the tiniest, most insignificant details about our love.

Is is bad when, while being in love can put you in the happy zone, it can also be a tad hazardous. When you’re infatuated to someone, activity decreases in the amygdala, a part of your brain that is associated with fear. The internal alarm system doesn’t disappear completely, but its more to jump into fearful situations despite the consequences.It keeps your mind laser-focused on details-but only those related to our love. It tends to hamper the ability to home in on anything else that is not connected with our love paradise. So much of our brain power is redirected to our love that every other person or project in the life just gets the leftovers.

It is sometimes ugly when, you become addicted to your love. The more affection and attention your love gives you, the more depressed you will feel in their absence. Falling head over heels makes you feel deliciously happy and on top of the world. But passion induced euphoria can also cause you to actually lose your mind. When you are in love, mood-altering chemicals can override the part of your brain that governs rational thought, while the giddiness can be pure bliss, there’s definitely a darker side to go gaga. 

Okay. I think this post is starting to sound a little bit too wordy than ever. Need to move on from the love topic to something more electrifying.

But what could be any more electrifying than Love per se?

Short notes:

Everyone is looking forward to Christmas and New Year. 


I am looking forward something else after the New Year. A few days to be exact. 
If February is a month of love for some people, my month of love is in January.


So to speak.

And when that world slows down, dear.

I asked myself a question today.

If things are getting worst, should I go talk to a psychiatrist? 

I think I am going crazy.

I asked this question to a dear friend of mine Zash, and he said that "You already knew the answer to your problem, and yet you're thinking you're crazy. Please think with a clear mind. Your problem is not that extreme. Really."

It's hard to think when you're in a state of delirium. A temporary state of mental confusion and fluctuating consciousness resulting from shock, or other causes. It is characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech.

Well I haven't hallucinate yet, not having any sort of delusions. Nor speaking incoherently. Just plain crazy.


But I think somehow things are getting better. Or at least I thought it was. Probably he read my plea in my previous post. Thats why probably he drop a line showing he is still on speaking terms to me although he did not practically saying "Hi, how are you doing?" etcetera. But I wished he could reply any of my messages so that I know that we're good and we're going to be alright.


The funny thing is, I am so positive that we could get through our problem with each other but I am not positive of staying strong until we get to talk to each other. 


What's going on with us, I don't know. Whenever I talked about that 1 year thing, you would say I was the one who's going to give up on us. But now you're the one wrecking my heart into pieces. I've said I'm going to wait, if you've been reading my letters. Well I am going to although I am losing my sanity.


In the meantime, I'll just coaxed myself with whatever I have now. 


Blankets, t-shirts, sweatpants, undergarments, towel, helmet? Whatever that I could find in my room to keep me warm and ease me from my weariness, sadness, gloominess. Darn, I just love the English language, adding -ness just exaggerate everything.


Watched Princess and The Frog yesterday. Yes, I know I'm a little outdated. But I really enjoy the movie yesterday. It was light, funny, and amazingly amusing. Not your typical fairytale, but then they did lived happily ever after though. No castles, or horses, or knights involved. The story was set up in the 40's-50's era I think. In old Louisiana jazz town. So throughout the whole movie, it was all jazzy. Who said everything has to be 3D in order to make the story interesting? Sometimes back to the classic basic is what we need. Two-thumbs up to the movie though.


I hope things are going to get better soon.


I know it will.


Short notes:
Feels like its raining in my lungs. Please throw me a banana-boat and come rescue me.

You really had me going.

Wonderful by Everclear. The song just kept on playing in my head today. Had a hard time last night, where I felt unstable and really want to die. Cried until I could really feel my lungs dried out, twisted and punctured? Sounds pathetic, but well thats what I felt yesterday. I think I lost like 2 litres of water from my body yesterday as I cried. Okay, that was a bit exaggerating. But then everyone who heard me crying and wailing like a 3 year old kid yesterday would be please to put me in the car and send me off to an asylum.

I don't believe you when you say

Everything will be wonderful someday

Of course I would feel that if heartbreaks was just right in front of my very eyes. I didn't know how could someone be so heartless all the sudden after everything you went through with them and for them. But then again, sometimes life is not all sweet and candy sometimes you have to swim through a pool of apple cider vinegar with your eyes open and a bleeding leg to know what pain is.


I wished I could see the pain I'm going through. At least I though if I could actually see them, probably it wouldn't hurt so bad as I thought it would be. Like getting yourself a flesh wound. Few days later you'll get a scab, eventually it will dry off and left you with a scar. W told me to get a grip of myself. V kept asking me what's wrong? C told me to grab a beer and a box of cigarettes. Z told me to not cry anymore because I am making her crying as well. 


Everyone keep telling me what to do, but they don't know whats wrong in the first place. I wished things were not as complicated, wished it was like popping some microwavable pizza and 10 minutes later you have a cheap pleasant dinner. Wished it was as easy as changing a flat tire. 


Well changing a flat tire is not that easy for me but at least it came with a manual. 


I don't need people to feel sorry for me. I just wanted the truth, because I think I did enough to show that I was willing to give and sacrifice. I want things to go back to normal. I want to be the reason why I was there in the first place in the whole situation. Wished someone could actually understand my situation and not just talk cock with me and picked up some lines off self-motivation book or worst still lines from the yellow-for-dummies book.


I don't know if that someone is reading this but please stop doing this to me. I don't deserve this. Everyone is telling me to leave it, but I don't want to. I won't leave it now or ever and never will do that. Why waste when theres answer to our problem? All we need to do is sit, talk and sort things out. I could be very understanding if you want me to, but please stop driving me crazy. At least drop me an email if other means of communications are not allowed. You know how to contact me. I have 3 emails, 1 Facebook, 2 Messengers and 1 active cell-phone number. Take your pick. Please don't make me put words inside your mouth. You're the older one, I've trusted you and I am still trusting you no matter what the outcome of our problem.


I am not mad at you. I've becoming like this is because I care. You out of all people would have known better.


So please stop telling me everything will be wonderful now. 


Short notes:

Dear LJY, I am very sorry of whatever I've stated in my previous post. I did mention the next morning that maybe I over-reacted. Things are not going so well for me lately. Shall we call it truce? I'm tired of arguing with you or anyone. The problem I am having now is already unbearable for me and choking up every single breath I have and I don't want to die knowing someone else out there is unhappy with me.

I am not talking to him anymore in all means of communication, except for yesterday where I had to call him and few other people because I do not know who else to turn to. If only you knew what I'm going through you'll understand how tough has it been lately for me. But I am not using that as an excuse for being mad. You could go ahead and make fun of my misery as well if it makes you happy. I think we're even now.

Please forgive me.

I hope you do.

Maybe come what may.

I am tired.

Of pain, anger, confusion that I am having. In the previous post, I stated that good things comes to those who wait. Starting not to believe in that crap as I've been waiting and tired of being on the waiting list. Hoping miracles to happen sooner or later before I start to give up hope on this whole emotion-devotion-clarification-tug feeling.

Is general incivility the very essence of love?

Ruba told me I must have a very strong heart since its been breaking so many uncountable times. I don't think my heart is that strong, as it hurts when I do cry. Could like literally feel the blood going through the seeping cracks of my heart. 

Right now I'm trying to think positive and stay strong even though my heart feels heavy and sometimes I can't breathe. How do you feel dead but breathing at the same time? 

Confusion is nothing new.

I hope everything would be wonderful someday.

In the midst of confusion of everything thats going on dysfunctional mode lately somehow I was amazed about something else too. My sister Anis, texted me on the phone saying my mum was asking me what am I doing. Told her I was out and about doing some work. She said my another sister Eleanor, told my mum I was out dating with my bf. Then my mum replied:

"Dating?...But the house is not ready yet for him to come and propose your sister..."

How ready could we prepare the house for the guy's family to come over and ask my hand in marriage? My mum is just so funny at times. She's been so open about marriage lately although she knew I would only settle down around the age of 28. With the rate of heartbreaks and delayed devotion I might not even get married I think.

Starting to embrace the "maybe come what may" attitude. 

As quoted from my Facebook profile, "Really wonder why on earth she's so attached to certain things in her life. It's silly, illogical, irrational and ultimately all it does is make her feel like crap. Then again, it does give her a sense of...completion."

I am a fool in Love. Enough said.

Short notes:

Happy Maal-Hijrah to all the Muslims in the whole enchilada Muslim community. Saw everyone posted that on Facebook, the funny thing is tonight some of them are going out clubbing celebrating something else apparently and some are out and about looking out for chicks. Oh well, humans. We're just merely a puppet show at times. Not that I actually do anything to celebrate Maal-Hijrah. At least I am not hypocrite about it.

Need to find my Tree of Souls

I just got back from watching Avatar. It was amazing. Avatar is the story of an ex-Marine who finds himself thrust into hostilities on an alien planet filled with exotic life forms. As an Avatar, a human mind in an alien body, he finds himself torn between two worlds, in a desperate fight for his own survival and that of the indigenous people. Avatar has one thing in common like District 9 which involves human and the alien race, but the story is not confusing, well-plotted and I actually get the whole picture of the story without suffering from minor head-floating of dizziness. If anyone feel like they're up for a movie to spend their weekend, I reckon Avatar with 10 little pudgy fingers up. It seems like I couldn't get off the whole pudgy issue out of my mind yet. 

By the way I had an adventure of my own, before I could lay eyes on the movie itself. Browsed both TGV and GSC for movie tickets yesterday night and ended up feeling disappointed as all were reserved and even the pay online section was full. Messaged my friend, telling that there might be no chance of us watching the movie, but he said "Why not we just gamble and see if there are tickets?"..."Not all would end up collecting them, trust me"...then he said something funny :

"There would be couples who reserved but then ended up argueing or some shitty thing came up and they're just not in the mood to watch them."

Oh sheesh. He was just so positive about it. So I was like, oh yeah...what the heck. What harm could it do me for trying right? I was like okay. Let's do this. Usually, I would just give up and wait for the movie to run a few days before I actually go and see them. But today it was just different. Probably the Avatar trailer did managed to lure me into watching it after all.

Then around noon, another friend of mine called asking what I was doing and said he's on the way to buy tickets to watch Avatar. Few minutes later he told me that it was all sold out. I told him I did checked it online and it was fully booked and sold. I started to give up hopes and felt like cancelling the movie plan instead.

Cut short the story, we did go to the mall and check out the tickets. Only left 6 reserved tickets. I was like 6?! What makes me think I would be the lucky one to get to buy the reserved tickets? What are the chances of the people of not coming? The show is at 12am, and the guy at the counter said he could only let the reserved tickets go around 11.30pm. It was 10pm that time, so I was like okay I'll just go for dinner first as all I had was coffee and biscuits from morning. Had noodles at Penang Village. I love their Cantonese Hor Fun, that would be my main dish every time I go to Penang Village. But today I was being a dinky-dong and decided to other some seafood noodle and it tastes like crap. Literally. To my amazement, the only seafood thing about the noodle was the 2 piece of shrimp in it, the others were all chicken. Didn't know chicken was considered a seafood. Next time I want to look for chicken that lives in the water when I visit Penang. Dear Safwan from Penang, please clarify this.

After dinner, went back up to the cinema and sheepishly showed our face at the counter. The guy said wait for 10 more mins, we waited. Then we approached the counter he said there is 1 more minute. So to kill the time, we talked about crappy stuff and he wanted something else in return because I was so desperate to watch the movie. He printed out the tickets and pass me a pen and a paper. I actually wrote my number on it.

My friend was like "You actually wrote your real number?". I was like "Yeah, he helped us out, I was just being nice". After all I could block phone calls from my phone, so I don't care much.

While waiting for the turn to get into the cinema hall, someone message me asking me out to watch Avatar tomorrow since its the public holiday. I was like "Sorry in few minutes time I would be watching it..." Then he said, "Okay, I'll just download it then..." and hung up the phone. I really hate it when someone just hang up the phone in an abruptly manner. That is just so rude.

I was all happy when the movie started. Like yeah, finally after what I went through to get the tickets. Well good things come to those who wait. Everything was okay, until 30mins later I received a text message from that someone saying "I was looking forward to watch Avatar with you bla bla bla".."I got friend in Pavilion who could reserved tickets for us bla bla bla"..."But you went off with your own plans..""I am not mad at you, just that many of my plans lately seems gone to drain..." - Well thats like the excerpt of what I remembered, as I deleted them off after I read them.

If you think having friend who could like hook up movie tickets for us would impressed me, you're so wrong. Theres a lot of ways for me to get them without anybody's help. I could even ask my dad to buy off the cinema if I want to

So it did ruined my mood to watch movie for a while, but then thanks to my friend I was up and about to normal. Overall, I enjoyed Avatar. Although throughout the 2 hours 45 minutes movie I was bothered with this aunty and her popcorns beside me. I hate it when people become inconsiderate and talk out loud while watching movie. I am not in the mood to talk about her and explain what she did in this blog. Honestly, I am not in the mood of blogging this neither. That is why this post is so crappy. Starting to feel tired, going to hit the sack now.

Later alligators.

(Started writing this post around 4.21 am and now it is 6.54am, sheesh and all I wrote was crap)

Short notes:

If only Eywa exists, I would have want to read Checimy's heart and understand the whole situation that's been hurting me. I miss you love.

Probably.

Probably I over-reacted yesterday night.

Probably it wasn't about me at all. But it totally sounds like me she's referring to.

I don't really give a damn neither. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion literally. Just that I prefer if they do have issues with me, please do tell straight to my face instead of bitching it elsewhere. Don't like people to have the wrong image of Eryn Azrin. As my name don't just carry the owner of the name but also my family as well.

Today is a very gloomy day. Not just the weather, but I am all gloomy inside too. What Safuan told me yesterday made sense. Maybe it is time for me to take a chill pill and wait for the rainbow and unicorns to flag down my sadness. Probably nibble on some mushrooms to kill the pain. Stir fry mushrooms and grass sounds yummy, anyone? Okay, enough of the happy-grass talk. Don't want to be labelled as junkie in some people's blog later.

Oh, sarcasm feels so good at this moment.

Step one to strike out sadness. I am going to watch Avatar tonight. Tickets are all fully booked, even at the most lousiest cinema you could name of in town. Hope there is luck getting tickets. Read the review after it was released in the States and everyone said it was worth the dime and penny you have.

Weekends?

I don't really have a fixed plan. I am more the type of whatever will be will be person. Probably going to watch a drift competition in Seri Kembangan, probably entertain myself with the CosmicSpaceMunkys, probably going to Sunway Pyramid for shopping.

I used a lot of "probably" in my blog today.

Sometimes we could just plan so much but in the end it would end up to probability-ness that something is going to happen or ought to happen right?

This is the part where someone would quote me up saying that I've planned so much, and now it is killing me because things are not going my way. I don't want things to go my way. That is selfish.

I want things to go our way, where both of us equally agree and happy with each other's thoughts and decisions. Well technically we could never be equally agree on something, because sometimes we need to give in to some circumstances in order to be happy with both sides.

Right now things are not all sweet and dandy because I haven't heard from his side. So till then I could not have sort of check and balance in this whole emotion-anger-clarification-tug thing. Darn. I am so good at coming up with new terms every time I write something.

Oh yeah, someone left a comment one of my previous post asking whether I am in love and what made me come back after 3 long-ass donkey years.

I forgotten to answer whether I am in love question. Since I remembered, let me just answer his/her question here.

Yes. I am in love. Currently in a relationship. But Facebook status says I am single due to some privacy reason I may not include here. That doesn't mean I am lying to my partner. He knows why, and he prefers it to be that way too.

Alright, it is about time I end this post. Couldn't remember what time I started this post, lost track of the time, was typing this while doing laundry. Already hung the clothes up too.

Will blog on Avatar, when I get back from movies tonight. Later, alligators.

Short notes:

Nothing gets me by like fresh-flowery-buds smelling clothes out of the washing machine. Could call me a laundry freak too, because sometimes when I run out of things to wash, I'll start taking off the curtain or whatever cloth material thing I could get in my room and "pop it lock it polka dot it" in the washing machine. 

I am in the pursuit of Happ[y]ness with a Y.

I hate your Girlfriend

Just came back from work, had my dinner and drenched myself in cold shower. I love shampooing my hair  with shampoo that smells like beer. It is just so yummy. As I've promised, I would be blogging on what happened by the lake today. Well for a start, it was raining hell-a-lovely before I actually reached the lake. Decided to leave home a little bit early to go withdraw some money from the ATM, and head up for a late lunch. Contemplating between Chicken Porridge from Mc'D or whipped potato from KFC. But in the end I had noodles instead at some cheap-ass eatery.

Tick-tock kill the time by talking with someone. By 5.30pm Safuan arrived and then we head up straight to the Shah Alam lake. Supposedly do some promoting for the Adination Running Team Registration by Adidas, but then the rain took over so we just chilled and talked and smoke. Well Safuan did the smoking part, while I'm being the passive smoker.

The rain stopped so we decided to head home.

As usual, turned on my laptop and Facebook would automatically load up for me in my wonderful flowery buds decorated Google Chrome. Kudos to Caroline Gardner for the magnificent theme that just made me love Google Chrome more than any other browsers. YouTube loads faster with Google Chrome too in my opinion or maybe it was just my HSDPA connection. *Smiles gleemingly when it comes to high speed internet*

No, I am not going to talk about Google Chrome nor promoting it. But yeah, you guys could give it a try and download it if you want to.

What I want to talk about tonight is what I do every time I get online.

First routine, well more like a ritual to me,  is to load up the news website. My favorite is The Star Online. Next, I'll move on to the gossip zone at Socialitelife. I'll spend at least 30 minutes to read up. While reading I'll keep a tab on Facebook, and see what's everyone is up to. If I think I should have a hearsay in whatever they  post or discussing on I'll drop down a comment or two, and sometimes comments turn into conversation.

So let me quote off from someone's blog  "so long as I can fill my time with something rather than idling in front of the computer every day. Unlike someone, I don't wanna waste my time sitting here waiting to be the first to comment on some people's status updates..."

I know she's talking about me. 

To whom it may concern, even if my Facebook says I'm actively online doesn't mean I am there because I set the page to reload by itself every 15 minutes. My laptop is on for almost 24hours everyday and sleep when it wants to.

Secondly, it just happened that every time I comment on that particular person status I would be the first as no one else comments his status updates. Probably they don't understand what he talks about or they just don't give a damn.

You're just making an issue out of it because that particular person that you referred to as some people is your boyfriend.

I hate chicks like these who make issues out of nothing. 

Thirdly let me quote something else off her blog too,  "and to you little pudgy missie, it's nice to see u active again. thanks very much for ruining everything. i know i was wrong in some ways, but you contributed much too. fair enough, when you meet your partner i hope he treats you the way "you like it" and i hope you can be so "accepting" about it."

I ruined everything?

You guys had problem even before I was in the picture. Is it my fault for accepting him as one of my close friend?

Just so you know I do have a boyfriend, and he's not a control freak like you do.  He trust me with my guy friends as much as I do trust him with his girl friends.  I could go watch movie one-on-one with a guy without him worrying about me.  As he knows I'm all grown up and wise enough to make decision on what is right and wrong. You don't know me in person yet you are making assumptions of my relationship with him as friends.  So what the fuck is wrong with you? 

You guys are not even married yet.

It's you who have to work the whole trust-issue thing with him.

I don't see your relationship is going anywhere with him. 

By the way, I don't mind being called pudgy. At least I'm not a control freak, nonsensical, absurd person like you. That just show what kind of person are you for acknowledging someone pudgy when you haven't even met her.  

I can't believe myself I actually stood up for him when they argue and he didn't even said thank you. This is what I got for being nice.

Should care less next time.

Till then you owe me an apology, because I am tired of saying sorry to you.

Short notes:

It is the holiday season, so the laptop is on 24/7 as this is the easiest way to keep in touch with everyone. Even people in the office nowadays kill their spare time with Facebook. So why don't you see the other side of it instead of labeling everyone in there.

Bitched by a bitch, you'll get a reply from a bitch too.

By the way, can't wait to watch movie tomorrow with Hilal.

Wishes

It's 2.30 freaking am and yet I am not asleep. My head starting to hurt somehow. Probably going to hit the pills again if the whole sleeping-therapy thing is not going to work.

I have work to attend tomorrow. Bet I am going to be a walking zombie by the lake tomorrow. Hope I don't sleep-walked into the lake instead. As my previous post I stated that I am going to be around Shah Alam lake tomorrow doing God knows what and with God knows who.

I am not someone you would invite to a sleepover as it is hard for me to fall asleep. I would ended up watching you sleeping. Everybody who had me over to their place would have known the fact it's hard to get Eryn to sleep even though she just travelled from east to west in a single day trip or hitting her head with a frying pan doesn't seem to be working neither. I wouldn't doze off.

This whole insomnia issue got to be resolved by New Year as I am killing myself softly pieces and bits everyday.

Checimy, I need you. Please come back home.

It's already 3am. Need to put my soul to rest or at least try to do so. I won't try to count flying sheep or try to recite the alphabets backwards, probably just lay down and think of a solid topic to blog on. I don't want to bore my faithful  readers in reading snippets of my daily musings.

Yes Eryn, please flip the light bulb back on. Please don't let these people down. They've waited for the whole 3 long-ass donkey years and all you've talked about so far is your twisted sunshine, crying under water and a picture of a Diet Coke?!

May I have a splendid Wednesday by the lake tomorrow.

Night my Loves.

Short notes:

I wish I didn't have these doubts and I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now.

Well, probably you're just sleeping. I miss your snores.

Can you cry under water?

Title of this post has nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about. Just random thought I had while showering back then. I mean can we cry under water? In the movies they always show scenes where the female character gets emotional and get into the bathroom to like wash away all the pain from them and cry right under the shower head. Well thats scene number one.

Scene number two, water is running while they lean on the bathroom wall and cry.

Scene number three, you don't see the character, nor the bathroom wall, just water drizzling down the tiles/bathtub with blood spinning making a circle shape. That's when she died or probably she was just having her period.

So I've tried re-enacting scene number one. It doesn't work that way apparently. Tears stop once my face hits the water. If someone here could cry underwater do call me or show me how you do it to prove my theory is wrong.

Had some stalker guy harassing me on the phone, which I don't care to elaborate. Put him on block call list already.

What a day.

Well couldn't really call it a day yet as it is only 5 mins to 5 pm. But then I just feel like rambling over here as it takes my mind off stuff. It is good to be back here. Some said I'm starting to blog much because of that damn 3 long-ass donkey years hiatus. Some said it is good that I'm channeling myself over here instead of trying to cheer myself up with delayed devotion feelings.

It looks like it is going to rain again. Already opened my windows, pulling up my curtains to let the cool breeze swept in. Cleaned the room. I have like a little pile of laundry to do which I am going to attempt to tomorrow after I get back from work.

Yes. Work.

Need to head down to the Shah Alam lake around 4pm tomorrow. Doing what? I am not sure yet. Just being told to get my ass down there tomorrow to help Safwan by Reuben yesterday night.

He said be there at 5. I was like "5 freaking am?!".

Then he said no "Evening my dear." Before I hung up he said "Okay, 5pm would be too late. Be there by 4pm. Please."

So I guess tomorrow would be a post on what's happening at the lake.

Meaning I have to wake up early than usual. If I need to be there by 4pm, I should at least wake up around 12pm. Because my body clock just went haywire lately. Sleep late, waking up earliest by 1pm or worst 2.30pm.

Meanwhile nothing beats the day like having a glass of cold Diet Coke from the fridge. Actually forgotten that I had Coke in the fridge. Been losing temporary memory lately. Just now when someone asked me what did I do last weekend, I told him I totally forgotten. I really did. Maybe because of my sleeping hours are just crazy. Nick told me to go see doctor. I will soon.

I know what I need.

Not doctor or some prescriptions.

I need my twisted sunshine to come back shining in my sky. 

Short notes:
Heart you always my twisted sunshine.


Updates:
I took 1 hour and 26 minutes to finish this post, sheesh. 
Coke got me off the hook. 


Tee Hee.