I just don't get it. I'm very glad to have him; the most important thing's that I'm really into him as a person and all of that, there's definitely fantastic chemistry, better then the sort most other people have I suppose but sometimes I really just don't get it.
I suppose the thing that could really upset me would be saying that I was wrong, punishing me for it, and punishing yourself while doing it. You know. Like Catherine Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights. Terribly depressing book; silly, immature mains, don't you think. I wish he wouldn't do it any more, but I suppose it's all been so fast, and I am terribly unpredictable. But we all learn. Besides, if I were predictable, what fun would that be? I couldn't live with myself then. He'll never have to worry about me becoming too boring. Two days of not feeling inspired, and I felt myself thinking in my class today how nice it would be if we could just choose to die painlessly when we wanted.
Why are we still alive for anyway, what was the point of it. Would it make a difference if we died today, or tomorrow, or several decades later? If Paris Hilton had died as a baby, who's to say someone else wouldn't make a better 'heiress' ?
I love him, but I cannot bear this constant worrying about whether I've done something to make him feel less loved whenever I get angry on the phone on him, or don't manage to talk to him because of school, or whatever. But things like that work themselves out eventually I suppose. We'll just have to do what we feel is right. And the moment that stops happening, and what is right isn't what we feel is right, then that's that I suppose.
Love is a great thing while it's happening, and it's worth to cling onto some people and some things. Reciprocated attachment can be a very satisfying feeling, but you've only got one lifetime to lead. You've only got one Today, one Now. Love is weighty, and maybe many people see it differently, but I grew up in a life that treated it very lightly. There was no " I'll stick through it even if you treat me like shit" nonsense. And it's really better that way.
Better and more real.
Better, and more real because you're happier, no one takes advantage of anyone else, and if love is about being happy and about hope and about a sense of freedom, then it is more real. Depression is always mostly imagined and just a fucked up state of mind for most people, happiness is usually a real cause. Something good happens, and you're happy. The world for most of us is filled with more good things than bad ones, so certainly most depressions are just a fucked up state of mind.
Sidenotes :
Yay : because I won't have Maths tomorrow and Friday.
Also,
Boo : because I have to go to school this Saturday and for the next 2 consecutive months Saturdays' because the Education Ministry decided to bring forward the school holidays (so we have to replace the school days) and to start the school earlier next year. Meaning the only "self-pampering" time for me is only Sunday ?
Darren said "Wtf..tu la suruh go college dulu tak nak.."
Now I have to appreciate any given Sunday.
