Well I just had one about 2 hours ago and to be honest I didn't really hate it or anything. All of it was just so true to me.My life, at the moment, is a completely worthless. I have no future and my present sucks, or at least thats what I think. To better understand where I am coming from lets have a review of my life.
Social Life:
Ok, Eryn basically has close friends whatsoever. My wonderfully loved "sister", May whom I'll never forget. She's a lot more important than she'll ever know, but anyway, other than her I'm not significant enough to actually hurt a lot of people when I die. Oh sure, you guys will mourn over my death if I was to suddenly die right now, here on the spot but time will pass and you'll move on without a big problem. This is simple because I'm NOT important to many people at all. Don't give me that "Oh Eryn! I care about you!" bullshit. No seriously, for those of you whom I rarely talk to and just "know" don't act like I'm very important and say all this caring crap because it'll just make me feel worse. I know who I'm close to and the people who barely know me/interact with me. If I died, no one would really care, period.
Family:
My family hated me. Now they've molded me to a angst filled teenager who will never appreciate what her family does for her. My dad might be a total inconsiderate jerk when it comes to my opinions and emotions but he works his ass off making money so I can have all the luxuries in my home. My mother, whom only expects high grades from me and doesn't care much about anything else does so much to try and please me, she does so much, yet I just brush it off saying she doesn't love me because it's all material happiness. Well news flash for you Eryn, maybe thats the only way that she knows to express her love because she grew up in poverty in some little house in Singapore. I'm an ungrateful daughter who takes her parent's care for granted.
Love:
I'm not going to even go here. For some odd reason things are always "not meant to be" yet I defy reality and try to go against it hoping to win.
Usually I'm awfully sad when I type these self-reflections about myself. But you know what? I'm absoluetly fine right now. I figured, there's 2 kinds of people who're not afraid of dying in this world.
First, the ones who've accomplished everything they wanted and believe their life has served it's purpose and secondly, those people who have nothing to lose and are only living because of a strand of hope.
Hoping for the chance to live a life that they'd actually love. So with basically with a certainty of nothing to gain and nothing to lose, they don't really care whether they died or not. I can honestly say, I'm not afraid of death right now. No, it's not like I want to die but I don't really feel like living either.
So if some murder dude came here and sliced my head off I wouldn't be too scared, except maybe for the pain. Ok better example, if I knew I'd die in my sleep tonight, I'd go to sleep.
I'm sick and tired of life.
