The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt.

Physically or mentally.

I have problem dealing with pain be it the first or the latter.

Yesterday I started my first fitness class. Yea, me in a Fitness class? It would be a miracle if my friends found out that I signed up for such thing. The nearest thing I ever got myself into gym was being approached into joining True Fitness when accompanying a friend to the gym once. Back then I only weight 45kg, so going to gym was like, who needs gym? I don't need gym nor ever do I think I need to run or jump or skip or do anything healthy in my life. 

Well guys, that was back then. 

Noticing that I've been prone to getting sick, allergies, headaches, ridiculous back pains, hormones spiking up and down triggers a sign to my guy (Saiful) that I am not fit. He secretly enrolled me on weekend fitness classes without asking for my concern, knowing that I've promise him time and again that I will work out, and exercise. Time and again also, it never happened. My bad.

Not that he didn't try very hard to get me into all this exercising mantra. Noted that he started buying me Fat Burner (dietary supplement), fitness hotpants, and constantly drag me into the gym almost every other day. Yet it failed to inspire me. Obviously my main attention is to lose weight all the time, each time I see a slim girl walked by. I have skinny khakis pants that I couldn't fit in anymore, even if I do it's after forcing myself in. Tops that I kept secretly hidden under my pile of clothes, not that it doesn't fit. Just that it will show a little belly shape. It is also very tiring to snap more than once each time I want someone to take a picture of myself, making sure the angle is right and I don't look fat in the face, the tummy or my thighs. 

So the story was, he just break the news to me in the car earlier this week that "You're joining Att's fitness class this weekend". Gosh, I felt my bones were twitching into smaller bits even before I had my fitness class. He reminded me the night earlier to not forget to wake him up, so that he will come all the way from Bangi to send me to the fitness class. 

Well of course I did sabotage my own first fitness class.

And I failed. 

Alarm rang and I went back to sleep for the next hour until he called and said he's on the way to fetch me. Sheesh. He is so serious into this. The night before he did say "It's okay baby, if you don't want to go". I guess it's probably now or never to him.

Heavy feet, I faithfully dragged my whole body and put on a smiley face for him. Feeling scared, anxious, nervous and (insert the most exaggerated feeling you could think of for me). He dropped me off and said goodbye. It's like a father who puts his daughter in a day-care centre and me like a baby feeling scared that my guardian (trainer) is going to be very the bully type and the kids (other trainees) are going to be better than me. Like stronger, slimmer, active than me. 

Jumping jacks, squat jump, speed skaters, burpee, jumping rope, high knees...etc. 

Whoa, I was so beat for the next 2 hours!

Although I woke up this morning with a massive leg pain resulting from doing things I never did before, (considering I even cheated my Physical Examination exam during my highschool days. With 40 over students in the class, the teacher doesn't bother how many pushups, sit-ups you actually do. You'll always get an A for Physical Examination) I was more excited than ever to go to my second class for today.

In a day, I've achieved results. Lost 10 kgs when I weighed myself at the gym. Hahaha, just kidding! The only achievement I've made was changing to 1.5kg dumbbells instead of the 1kg weight I used yesterday for the circuit training. Well that was a good achievement right? That 1.5kg might be 5kg next week and 10kg the two months.

Att showed me her picture, her way back then picture which was very inspiring. No slim juice, detox tea shit. Pure exercise and healthy food. Speaking of healthy food, oh God please spare me the joy of Nasi Lemak Sambal Sotong tomorrow morning. From now on it will be vegetables and fruits and whatever plants that I could consumed until I reached my ideal weight. Controlling what I eat at work is very hard as it's hard to even have a proper meal at work. But I have dresses I want to wear, and wedding gown I want to fit. So if you see me eat anything I shouldn't be eating, please snap me out of it. 

I think it's important to remember that to exercise you don't have to run a sprint. Yoga mat, light weights if you're a beginner like me and you're good to go. I hoped that I won't be the kind of person who would come out of the gym and go straight to McDonalds.

I had a great weekend, a new weekend activity shall I say?

I guessed each time I felt like I want to give up I need to remember what my friend May Lee told me, "It's not just about being fat. It's being healthy and being able to live life at its fullest together. Saying that, he cares for you."

Aww, I love you too my dearest Saiful.

I do hope Att continue to inspire me and outgrew the pig in me. Do check her facebook page Fit Ninja, Chick Warriors. Great tips and she post healthy recipes too. Well about cooking, that shall be another chapter in my life. 

Until then much love from me.

Sidenotes:

All the water could never sink a ship unless it gets inside. Likewise, all the pressures of life can never hurt you unless you let it in.

Happy 6th day of 2013.

Oh, Hi!

I hoped it's not too late to wish everyone Happy 2013!
I wished everyone had a great New Year's Eve, unlike me who spent the night at work surrounded by hippies across the street.

This year, instead of making New Year's resolutions, I'm making Old Year resolutions.

Where I look back at the things I did and pretend that's what I set out to do. I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

Fireworks display at work welcoming the New Year

I had a bouncy 2012 in the beginning, searching for a part of me that was lost in the middle of somewhere. Beaten down, tortured emotionally by people whom I trusted in my life. But I had it all pushed back behind me by keeping myself occupied and busy with work.

Keeping myself busy in order to forget things I wouldn't want to remember, it lasted for a while until I realised I wasn't happy with my choice of lifestyle.

I thought I had lost hope and started to think myself as a "lost-cause" until life started to give me a turn around and I met someone.

Someone whom I thought wouldn't make such a great impact in my life.

My dearest Saifullah Zulkifli.

Our first 2013 picture

Sometimes you just forget yourself, and you need someone to constantly remind you of what matters most in life. Well, he was that person. I hope he constantly remind me of good things until the Hereafter.

So what do I want in 2013?

Obviously financial freedom. I am so dead tired of waking up and do the same routine at work everyday. It's like everyday waking up wanting to quit my job so badly. I hope things will go on well, and soon enough having wealth that is enough to support myself, my family, my future family and everyone in need.

Good health. I've been easily prone to sickness lately. Had allergies, headaches and constant sinus.

Learn to be a good cook, since my Love have quite an appetite of recipes I don't know how to cook.

Be a calmer person. I think I am getting there slowly, I make peace nowadays instead of taking revenge.

I think I am starting to write down my post New Year resolutions, when I just mentioned earlier I wouldn't write any. Sheesh.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy. 

Have a great year ahead everyone, I do hope to write more often.

Sidenotes:

If you didn't learn the lesson from your first scar, sadly you deserve the second one.

In my mind, in my head.

I need to get this out of my head.

Out now.

Each time I get too sad of the current me, I tend to get back on this blog and read on how stupid I used to be in the past and felt a little better of the current me.

Each time I came up with the courage of writing again, it will only last on the first post "of the time I had the courage to write again" and then it died. Died instantly after the remorse post of reflecting all the things in the past.

I tend to leave the past year, after year. And tend to repeat the same thing over and over and over again. I realised that I've been doing it yearly.

Some may asked why now?

Maybe because it finally came into realisation that I am old enough to stop being stupid.
It's time to grow old.

Probably it's not forgiving everyone that I kept blaming on why I felt miserable sometimes.
Probably it's time to forgive myself.

Ya Allah, give me courage to start now.


Sidenotes:
11 months from the last post is way too long for self reflecting.

The New Year's week aftermath.

It's been almost 2 weeks after New Year. Some people started it off with an accident, some with a new job, some finding the passion doing things that they always loved, and so forth.

2012: Weighty and loving it.

Before we get to how's my New Year aftermath was, let me started off how I celebrated my New Year's eve.

The truth is, I didn't.

Second year in a row where I don't fancy fireworks display or out partying with friends. Sounds boring? A bit yes. But I enjoyed every moment of the night with myself, in my room resting my mind off the world I'm living in. Almost enjoyed every moment of the night until a friend of mine decided to pop out at my house and chit chat.

The 1st day of New Year, I woke up hastily and lazing in bed until an old buddy from my old workplace asked me out for lunch. Played pool together, and had fun making myself look stupid with a cue stick.

1st picture taken for the year 2012

Then along came Monday, back to work and the same routine starts off. Woke up, shower and off to work. Back from work and back to bed. So I don't get the idea of celebrating the New Year with the same daily routine as usual.

Everything is going on great so far. Up until few days back.

Mishaps started off on Tuesday.

Was on the way back from a convenient store buying gums, while crossing the road I heard a very loud kitty sound. Meowing, like crying out. Look around and saw a kitten stuck under a car trying to cross the street. I was also crossing the road at the same time, and tried to call the kitten out of the car. It was red light, so the cars wasn't moving. Hastily, the kitten came out by itself and jumped on the road divider I was standing. Wanted to help the kitten across the road safely, but along came a motorcycle and it scares off the kitten. It went back under the car again. 

Then the light turn green. Noted that the car behind the car the kitten was hiding basically saw my ordeal trying to take the kitty away. When the car moved I went forward to pick the kitty up but the car behind it decided to move as well and almost hit me. He did brake though.

Oh Humanity. What ever happened to it?

I did however managed to get the kitten across and I hoped he/she didn't stupidly try to cross the road again. Well I almost got hit for you, make it worth while at least.

After work later that day I met Ilyas, a very close friend of mine way back during uni-days. He's always my lunch/tea time hanging out buddy back in pre-degree days. We're from different course but staying in the same campus during that time.

Earlier that day, I already felt something wrong with my face. Tingling swollen feeling in my upper left eye.

Ilyas and Me and that little red patch on my left eye

For starters, I know I'm not pretty. And by having a swollen red patch makes me look much more uglier. I thought it was the normal eye infection, so I went to the pharmacy and bought myself eye drops for swollen eyes. Later the evening after we're out from the cinema, Ilyas said "Your eyes is a little much pink than before."

Well that night I went to bed and hoped it won't get any worst than it is.

But I woke up to this...

Had to grayscale it, as the original photo might make you puke

Went to the doctor yesterday evening and guess what. My tear duct got clogged up, making my eyes swell. The doctor said maybe I've been crying too much and didn't wash my face after that.

I found her explanation was kind of stupid. Who actually wake up and wash their face after they cry? What if I cried myself to sleep and wake up the next day instead?

She said I need to do eyelid hygiene routine, and bla bla bla.

Worst case scenario however, if the swell doesn't go down in few days time I might need to go under a mini operation to remove crystallized tears in my tear duct or else I won't be able to cry again.

How cool is that?

Guys can go break my heart even more after knowing I cannot cry shit.

I'm off on 2 days medical leave, but need to go to work tomorrow to settle some things. 

I miss work!

I miss everyone at work! 

I miss my Boss!

My drivers! 

The people I liaised with, shit I miss everyone.

Hope everything goes on well for me. I hope the swelling goes down soon. Eye operation? I don't want to go under the knife. I'm ugly as it is already.

Have a great weekend ahead everyone, if I do need to go for the operation, just remember me as how I used to be.

Sidenotes:

Maybe God is telling me to appreciate the finer things in life.

It's time to wrap my bundle of emotions for the year.

Wow.

I've been away for the whole freaking nine months and no I wasn't pregnant while I was away during that timeline. I was really occupied with life and decided that the whole pouring my heart out in words was kept to myself instead. At the same time too, I actually forgotten my account password, and also the password to the secondary account too. After nine freaking months, I realised the password was the same password as my YouTube account. Yes, I'm very complicated like that, so sue me. 

2011 is drawing its end soon. So many things I want to forget and let go. I had a rocky start for the year, then was happy throughout the months until reality snapped in somewhere before Raya. Such a heartbreak I had. Not enough of personal problems, along came some family drama that we've managed to pull through. I thanked God for giving me such patience in handling things. Although I could be very emotional at times, I realised I'm good at being calm over the storm issues. 

The last couple of months tested me a lot on friendship and family values. I've realised I have so many friends that I shouldn't be friends with in the first place. I've realised "Best Friend Forever" is a term where it's cute when you're small, but it's forgotten by some as you're halfway through you're 20's. At the same time I realised friends that has been growing up with me, are the ones I could rely on times I needed them. Thank you for being there during my transition period of being single. It was tough as you're life revolves around him that much.

Everything is good now.

I've took another step, made some changes. Now it's time to start new. This time I've decided to keep my heart issues to myself and my loved one. Past experience prepares me well for this journey I'm going to take, instead of giving up to fate. I'll let fate bow down to me. And I have faith in this.

So many things I "want it to happen" for the year 2012. But I should only focus on my priorities and let the others fall its way naturally. I wish for a blissful year for me and my loved ones. I wish for Baby's advance in career dream comes true soon before he knows it. I hope turning 25 will teach me to be much more wiser, kinder, and understanding person. Maybe come what may, we'll pull this through together.

My new year resolution is to start writing all over again. Let see if I managed to be the awesome writer I used to be. More food review, more movie review, and more activities I hope to be shared and load in here.

I can do this. 

"If happy little bluebirds fly over the rainbow, why can't I"

Sidenotes:

I know this post really pointless and sucks. Well pardon me, for being rusty. Had problem sleeping and I just need to write again I think to keep myself at ease.

I'll be dancing on the rhythm soon! I promise!

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.

Oh, do you guys noticed it's been monthly updates instead of a daily or weekly one?

Hi again.

Instead of starting this post by saying sorry for being a lazy bump in updating this blog of mine, let me just make this post as a note to other upcoming months as well.

I've been away due to attending a riot, yes Really.

(Picture taken at TGIF, I don't remember what's the name of that street)

I have been busy. Like super busy, until I need to buy drinking water from the supermarket instead of boiling filtered tap water like any other Malaysian does.

Yes I am "dead"- busy, with work of course.

Sales are starting to pick up, and I have to handle one supervisor and 8 other staff under me, which keep adding my stress levels to well...beyond comprehensible level.

My current job is quite, (I don't have a word for it) busy when it's busy. Steady when it's steady and madness when it's totally a mad day. People could be quite demanding and think that we're born to make "their" ends meet.

I feel like a Superwoman these days. I could be answering my duty phone with my right ear, writing with my right hand and texting on my personal phone with my left fingers.

This is what Superwoman eat during break time

Good pay. But then the bad side of it is that I have to handle 8 + 1 male in my department. When it gets too mad, I get all edgy and when it just hits my nerves spot I will just sit in my office and cry.

Yes, I cry.

Thank goodness I have very, well sort of understanding (or at least he tried to understand) my hectic work schedule. He gets it when it comes to the days where I end up a bit temperamental and he has to listen to it all the way in the car sending me back home. 

There are days when I get mad over someone stole my pen in the office.

Yes, the freezing air-cond in my office could drive someone mad like that.

Overall, life has been treating me fairly well.

Physically nothing changed much, just that I had my hair rebond. So these days I have been waking up with a manageable hair instead of a mane-hair like Aslan, the lion.

Weight? Well it fluctuates every now and then. But atomically, my body is stable. Nothing beyond hazardous yet.

Mentally, hmm...

Everybody has their fair share of "I think I am right, and always be right" days. Or "I am wrong, but my ego is as bit as my head so F off".

Me? I try my very best to be understanding like a mother should, patient like a grandma waiting for a seat in an LRT and cool as ice.

Since I only get a day off each week, I tend to occupy my day off with everything. Laundry, clean the house, do this, do that...

I'm never too free for something else, unless it's for food.

Below are some pictures of our "jalan-jalan cari makan".

Las Vacas Meat Shop, Kelana Jaya

The Daily Grind, Bangsar

He's been mad crazy on the Tennessee sauce by TGIF. We've been visiting TGIF like it's Mc Donald's. For me I prefer Tony Roma's, their lamb chop is so crispy yet the meat is succulent. Las Vacas Meat Shop is definitely a try too. Not too pricey, but for the Muslim's the halal-quality is guaranteed as it's own by a couple of Malay guys. Two outlets, one in Mont Kiara, the other one in Kelana Jaya.

Either I would die of heart attack from eating too many lamb or heart attack over the bill.

Like this one over at The Daily Grind, Bangsar.

The price of two burgers, burp!

Sidenotes:

Life is getting better. 

Steady feet, please don't fail me now.

Happy Bunny Year !

As some of you may know, I am working on today. Work commitment as usual, nothing works well without me in the office. Sadly to say, but I have a non-sensible co-worker who even calls me up when I reached home to ask me where the hell I put this, that and etc.

That's when I usually forgot to prepare or remind him before I left my office.

Anyway let's not talk about that...

Moving on.

This year is the most boring Chinese New Year ever. Well, not because I had to work. It's just that I think this year is a bit tad boring than usual.

From my observation...

*Not much decorations done by the City Hall on the streets of KL.

*Boring ads on newspapers, and mostly focused on selling their products rather than ushering the Lunar Year spirit.

*Not many wished their friends / colleagues / bosses Happy Chinese New Year. Even I don't.

But overall, I would like to wish everyone a very great Bunny year ahead.

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Ang Pow Na Lai =)

P/S: All cheques, bank notes, cash still acceptable till the end of February. Tee-hee.

Sidenotes:
I trip over emotions very easily lately.

Oh damn you Hormones.

The key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.

What a way to start my Sunday today. Woke up to have a pleasant breakfast of Rice Krispies and Corn Flakes with cold milk, just to find out that the milk stale and it's not even expired yet. I'm too lazy to go back to the supermarket and asked for a refund so I let them win this time.

Oh hello world.

I know, I know. It's been a while since I written something in here and each time I apologized, I kept on saying I will try to write more often.

Apparently I failed to do so.

I'm sorry everyone, as I've been very occupied with work and tons of work. But since my work is very seasonal, it depends sometimes I could be very busy as a bee, and sometimes I would laze around like a cow grazing in the meadows.

Since I have other commitments to commit with, this blog seems to disappear day by day and at times I even forgotten I do have a blog. 

I guessed thats why I've been pretty tensed up lately. 

Because before this, I used to babble, scrabble, and dribble all over the blog talking nonsense and all gooey talking about my day.

Nowadays I tend to let it out on my colleagues and people around me when I get mad.

Very unhealthy I know, my new resolution is to be less mad this year.

Haha.

So to sum up the 23rd day after New Year, these are a few updates of my life so far. Top tens I think worth sharing about :

1) I didn't celebrated my New Year as I was stuck at home with a package of high fever and pretty bad cough.

2) Had my first live-football match when I went and join my loved ones at Bukit Jalil stadium to watch the match between Malaysia and Indonesia. We won the match.

3) Things are going pretty good with work lately, hope to get my pay raised soon.

4) Still trying to find time to cook, or even start by buying ingredients to cook as my kitchen is pretty empty. (Many still doubt my cooking skills and yet to be proven that I make the best meatballs you've ever eaten, tastier than Ikea okay?)

5) Pretty hooked on to Green Tea lately. Drink them after lunch, and every other time I'm free at work.

6) People at work been stuffing me up with food. Theres no day gone by without food on my office table left for me. Please don't see it as a form of bribery or trying to win my heart over, they were just being nice.

7) I'm the only girl / female left in my office department. I heard the new colleague my boss going to hire is going to be a male too. Sheesh, I need a friend at work. Guys don't seem to understand my temperamental-emo days sometimes.

8) I miss having a cat at home, right now I'm stuck with a fish, and a pet turtle which is not mine.

9) I am longing for a long holiday. One day off-day per week is not enough for me apparently. Wants to go far, far away. 

10) I am turning 24 this year.

I'll try my very best to update the blog like I used to. Not to pleased you readers, but to transfer the events in my life and immortalized it in wordings on blog.

Last but not least, I'm still experimenting with the blog layout. Need to change it since I'm bored of the old one. So I'm sorry if it seems cluttered, but then why heck would I care what you think about it, since it's my blog and I'll do whatever I like, maybe like posting a naked picture of myself.

Okay I am kidding, I'm not that mean to gross you out like that.

Have a nice week ahead my darlings.

Thank you for still reading.

Sidenotes:

Chinese New Year is coming up soon and this year is the Bunny Year. 1987 babies, which includes me belongs to the Bunny Year.

As far as I don't believe much in all these zodiac and star-signs readings, at times it could be pretty accurate.

So let just hope this Bunny Year will fulfill us abundance of joy, happiness and prosper us with good wealth.

Wanted to say prosper us with more money/cash/cheques, but shall us not be greedy and be contented with what lay upon us.

Things change, people change. Life goes on.

What is Pain?
Love.

What triggers pain?

Memories.

What can heal pain?

Time.

What lengthens pain?

Martyrdom.

What is the initial sign of pain?

Tears.

What is the primary defense mechanism of pain?

Denial.

What is the primary stressor of pain?

Theme Song.

What is the history of pain?

Break Up.

How can you remove pain?

Let go.

How can you remove pain?

Move on.

Why do we experience pain?

Because we have a heart that loves.

Here's to the night.

It's been a while since I last rambled on a typical Saturday midnight. Well mainly to the fact that I am net-less for the past one month and only rely on the net provided at work to blog every now and then about my cynical life that is mocking me day by day. This is the part where a few friends would pat my back and say "Serves you right Eryn, you're just stubborn as usual."

I know I haven't made any sense lately to people around me with my personal life issues and uncertainties but I am very thankful to everyone that's been supporting my boneless back for the past two months. Finally I am capable of moving on and seeing things better rather than dwelling on my past that's been driving me nuts and making my temple throbbing with compulsive pulse beating like an old native drum.

Again, I think I am not making any sense in the above paragraphs.

Probably because I am mad at what just happened few hours ago so that's why I am not making any sense in this post as words and anger just collide and trying to get out of my mouth and drained through my fingers on this helplessly gray Dell laptop provided by the company.

I guessed frequent visitors should have noticed that I've haven't been updating my blog.

Good or bad? 

Heck would I care what you guys think about it, as this blog is a way to connect with my friends, my family and everyone. It's a way of expressing myself when conversations, phone calls or text messages seem to fail on me. Also another way to tell everyone, I am still alive and well. 

Over the week, I got upset with myself over some matter. But finally understood the whole situation after being explained about it thoroughly. Tried to be strong and hide my tears as I talked, but then I thought "If crying makes you feel better then go ahead and cry." It's like my mind telling me things to do even before it happens but with all the ego crap tear duct was like all taped up with glue.

Which I did for like 5 minutes. Well, not that I actually timed it but why would I waste my tears and get bulgy eyes in the morning for something stupid?

I feel at ease now.

Well for now. 

Sometimes it's hard to get it into someone's head that not everything is meant to be. But in my case, everything is worth a try.

Life must go on, despite of everything that's coming your way.

You're at the verge of dying, it's either you're dead or not.

The traffic-light is red, it's either you stay or go ahead.

The food is cold, it's either you heat it up or eat it straight.

It's raining outside, use an umbrella or run through it.

Life is not about making the right choice or the right moves. It's actually more to what's best for yourself. Sometimes what is good for you might be harm for others. Sometimes what makes you happy, bring tears to the other person. Sometimes, everything doesn't seem to be enough.

It's not easy to please everyone but sometimes people just doesn't seem to get it.

I hope everything would settle down soon, because as calm as I try to be I don't want to be hypocrite that I am a little hay-wired up in my noodle-tangled brain.

Sidenotes:

To whom it may concerned,

Thanks for the little insight of "me" in your blog which I accidentally bumped into. Happy to know that you actually "felt" something over the past 6 months.

Wished you all the happiness in life.

Well everyone I know has got a reason to say, put the past away.

Okay before I start yapping, yes I know it's been a while since I last posted something in here.

Reason?

I lost the cause of writing actually and also busy with lots of stuff that's been going on in and out of my life. Even though of shutting down this blog as I don't find a reason of keeping it. Nevertheless, I couldn't find a reason of throwing it away too.

 

So how's everyone doing?

I hope everyone is in the pink of health.

Not blue, red or purple. Unless you feel like playing Barney for a day.

I am myself doing great, well at least I thought I am doing great so far. Life is not what you expect out of it, but it's what we always do.

Expect.

Wanting.

Hoping.

For something.

As we know we're drawing near to the end of the year.

Yes. Cliche as it may sound, but in a blink of an eye it's half past November. What have we achieved so far in this year?

This miserable mushroom picture was taken in front of

my work place with my awesome photography skill.

As for me, I landed myself a pretty awesome job in KL with a pretty awesome pay cheque. Busy with work lately, and got tangled in the web of office-politics. Well, let's not go there. It's absolutely not worth the typing.

I realised I went through a lot of trivial matters through out this year.

I am glad that I put a stop to it.

Thanks to the my Love who's currently so patient with my unstable emotions and so kind enough listening to my fuss and daily complaints I had to say almost everyday.

Okay, I am lost of words to say.

May this last coming month of this year, ends up with a blast.

Have a nice week ahead everyone, will blog when I decided to get out of my busy phase of life at the moment.


Sidenotes:
Not blaming on the writer's block.

But yes, it is the writer's block syndrome.

Need to get in touch again with this blog of mine.