I don't really write much about the whole racial thing any more because I generally don't like to think of people in terms of the colour of their skin. I think it quite unfair actually, how so many local people can find it logical to slander someone based on their choice of lifestyle and partner or the way they speak, and accuse me of being racist against my own. If I am racist against my own race, then so are they, because last time I checked, my nationality is Malay and I'm a Chinese descendant, and damn proud of the fact that I am.
Concerning myself with my own ethnic culture is not something I do at all, but this is what I was born into, and if you cannot do anything about it, then why not just be proud of what you were given?
It is shocking how people easily determine us as liberals (I actually don't quite like the term, because with some people it's a demonizing, racist label, but let's just stick with it for convenience's sake) as trash just because of their choice on friends, the way they speak or whatever options there is. I do not see why that should be, since people are people, and should be allowed to pursue what they want, to the business of no one else. It is completely absurd. Just because my partner is a city guy, I'm trash? Perhaps. Because if my boyfriend were a normal Malay guy (how do you define normal anyway? ) , then that'll be more normal, and therefore I cannot be cracker-scrap. But if you think logically, and know that race is just a fucking race, then I would be chink-trash.
But whatever. That's the way the world behaves with racial minorities. If they've a better lot in society, they're hated, and if they've a lower lot, they're mocked. And better or worse, we're all parodied.
I find it fascinating always how some people can accuse me of being shallow in my preference for having someone as a friend, and then proceed thereafter to judge me based upon what kind of people I hang out with. Or how they can say my choices, based on affluence and generally what I find attractive is shallow, materialistic and prejudiced, and then later on proceed to spite me by saying that I'll never find true friends because after-all, ' no one wants a snobbish brat '.
So we're both equally shallow. I base my choices for a friend on how open minded they are, and you base yours on how great they think you are.
Have you ever noticed how moral bigots are always accusing other people before actually looking upon themselves and realizing how full of bigotry they are themselves? Some one told me the other day, saying that he didn't think the Malays she know is not typical as what I think they were, because people here come across as incredibly shallow. The girls especially. Well, people here are incredibly shallow, and insecure to boot, but not just the girls. If you take a look at the guys, you'll see the guys can be equally as bad.
Above all, I think this society just need to grown up and become comfortable with itself. In the past year, I know I have. It is completely untrue that I find friendship only towards the non-Malays. I generally relate to the people I have relationships with as people, whatever colour their skin and whatever standing they have in life. No way do I think they are superior to us as a race, or how clever they are... let's just say, to each her own. I know what I prefer, and no one has a right to criticize that. I don't criticize the Malays for being shallow for not wanting to mix around (I still get people telling me saying that I'm not a Malaysian inside-out, believe it or not. I'm completely resigned to the fact that I'll never be good enough for them, so why even bother).
You want to know what I think about Malaysia? I cannot say I hate it, because I do not, but I've no feeling for it either. What I feel is this: I want to get out. And maybe that's why I generally dont like the company of local people, because too many of them are too rooted in the country. The truth is, I've no problem relating to those that do not; the ones that want to leave as well. Fine, I'm not patriotic, but was there ever a doubt to that?
Oh, I am proud of being Malaysian. There are so many things in this country to be proud of. But just like how I can be proud of the fact that I actually made a good biology student, but yet hate the subject quite violently at the same time; I can think this country is delightful in so many ways, through observing it passively, but feel absolutely repressed and suffocated when I actually realize I've been living in it for far too long.
And someone actually made me think about this the other day, and I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons why I like mixing with other people than my own race is the fact that they help me escape. I'm getting out of here soon, but in the meanwhile I have to make do. It's nearly embarrassing I think, this constant striving to break away from the nauseating uneventful-ness that characterizes this place. I've no idea about why I feel this way. All the world strives from the same mundane things, economic growth, smaller waistlines, more and more material possessions. But somehow, I get the sense that all that does not characterize the existence of many other societies, as much as it seems to characterize ours. It's the whole question of who's living to work, and who's working to live.
I am completely disturbed, upset, confused and betrayed by this society.
Aside from the fact that I believe all individuals should strive for completely independence on one's self, I never criticized anyone else for the choices they make in the way they wished to live their life. And I do not see why they should criticize mine, or anyone else's. (But this society, darling, has nothing else to do but criticize and complain).
It has always occurred to me that it is always the people who think they are completely 'moral' that attempt to hurt other people by insulting and condemning. But seldom the other way round.
I hate this school of mine and I want to go away for a very long time.
