:*: Exam and Fasting Blues :*:

I'm gonna have exam soon, approximately 12 days more which is on the 10th of Oct. Starting the exam week with Maths ! Haha, you guys know I hate Maths so much. Like very very much. Wish me luck, and good luck to you too if you're having exam.

My exam schedule as follows:
10/10/2005
-Maths (Paper 1)
-General Studies (Paper 2)

11/10/2005
-Chemistry (Paper 1 & 2)

12/10/2005
-Biology (Paper 1 & 2)

13/10/2005
-Maths (Paper 2)

14/10/2005
-General Studies (Paper 1)

Puasa coming ! If I'm not mistaken on the 5th of Oct. Argh exam on fasting month. Happy Fasting to all my muslim friends. Jangan ponteng puasa ya ! Don't termakan or anything, and guys no such thing as period reason ok ? Lol.

I miss my Bakry, have to wait like 2 months more till he's back for the holiday. Sayang awak Boosuk.

Kittens

My cat Miera had just gave birth almost a month ago. Below are some of the kittens pictures. I'll update more soon.


 


 


 


 

:*: Vicious Circle :*:

Sometimes when I'm alone, I just start talking to myself...

Then they are lonely times likes this, when I talk to myself about talking to myself.

Then , I suddenly realize...

I'm actually talking to myself about talking to myself about talking to myself...

Sigh.

Loneliness can be a vicious circle.

:*: Nothing to Blog About So I Did This :*:

Still on semi-hiatus, no updates for the moment.

Meanwhile, while waiting to get inspired I played the OC game on

Liquid Generation

Funny thing, Marissa Cooper is indeed my favourite character in The OC. A few decades back, I played something on Paris Hilton and the result was this:



It's Karma baby.

:*: Aquaria Photos Part 2 :*:

:*: Aquaria Photos Part 1 :*:

Sorry for the bad quality pictures, due to amateur photographing by me. Lol, but I'm going to Aquaria again when my boyfriend is back from Australia for the year end holidays, I'll take a new batch of pictures. Meanwhile, enjoy !

:*: I miss my Bakry :*:

Have you ever bothered to realize
how much you mean to me?
I care so much for you inside
and miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious about
the way things might have been.
As days go by and time goes by,
I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,
I had the whole world right there.
There you were, comforting me with
all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you
was like a dream come true.
This love that I have inside my heart,
it all belonged to you!

It's funny, all those little things
I never thought I'd miss,
Like all those conversations we had,
or the first time we kissed.

I guess that what I'm trying to say,
is I miss and love you more each day!
It hurts me not to see you,
or not to know if you're ok.

I want you to understand
that I loved you from the start.
And I want you to know,
no matter how many miles
we may be apart,
you'll always hold a special place
in my heart.

-Author Unknown-



Sidenotes:
I'm amazed by this drawing from Margaret Keane (above), focusing on big eyes drawing. I want Big Eyes too ! I think my eyes isn't big enough.

My blog will be on semi-hiatus for a while, but I'll keep posting when I feel like it, updates will be a lot less frequent than usual. This blog will be back to normal, when I'm recovered from my post-emo state. (If you've been following this blog, you'll know what I mean)

:*: Weighty Love :*:

I was going on to write about something else, and I feel kinda shitty right now, and all of a sudden I realize that love always come at a price. The difference between love and like and that 'Love' wasn't necessarily better then like. Love isn't about the incredible lightness of being, love is heavy for most people I guess, and even I can't help but worry a little about Bakry's feelings. And I nearly never worry about other people's feelings. I can deal with mine, can't they?

I just don't get it. I'm very glad to have him; the most important thing's that I'm really into him as a person and all of that, there's definitely fantastic chemistry, better then the sort most other people have I suppose but sometimes I really just don't get it.

I suppose the thing that could really upset me would be saying that I was wrong, punishing me for it, and punishing yourself while doing it. You know. Like Catherine Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights. Terribly depressing book; silly, immature mains, don't you think. I wish he wouldn't do it any more, but I suppose it's all been so fast, and I am terribly unpredictable. But we all learn. Besides, if I were predictable, what fun would that be? I couldn't live with myself then. He'll never have to worry about me becoming too boring. Two days of not feeling inspired, and I felt myself thinking in my class today how nice it would be if we could just choose to die painlessly when we wanted.

Why are we still alive for anyway, what was the point of it. Would it make a difference if we died today, or tomorrow, or several decades later? If Paris Hilton had died as a baby, who's to say someone else wouldn't make a better 'heiress' ?

I love him, but I cannot bear this constant worrying about whether I've done something to make him feel less loved whenever I get angry on the phone on him, or don't manage to talk to him because of school, or whatever. But things like that work themselves out eventually I suppose. We'll just have to do what we feel is right. And the moment that stops happening, and what is right isn't what we feel is right, then that's that I suppose.

Love is a great thing while it's happening, and it's worth to cling onto some people and some things. Reciprocated attachment can be a very satisfying feeling, but you've only got one lifetime to lead. You've only got one Today, one Now. Love is weighty, and maybe many people see it differently, but I grew up in a life that treated it very lightly. There was no " I'll stick through it even if you treat me like shit" nonsense. And it's really better that way.

Better and more real.

Better, and more real because you're happier, no one takes advantage of anyone else, and if love is about being happy and about hope and about a sense of freedom, then it is more real. Depression is always mostly imagined and just a fucked up state of mind for most people, happiness is usually a real cause. Something good happens, and you're happy. The world for most of us is filled with more good things than bad ones, so certainly most depressions are just a fucked up state of mind.

Sidenotes :
Yay : because I won't have Maths tomorrow and Friday.

Also,
Boo : because I have to go to school this Saturday and for the next 2 consecutive months Saturdays' because the Education Ministry decided to bring forward the school holidays (so we have to replace the school days) and to start the school earlier next year. Meaning the only "self-pampering" time for me is only Sunday ?

Darren said "Wtf..tu la suruh go college dulu tak nak.."

Now I have to appreciate any given Sunday.

:*: Sick :*:

"The Pink pills are for your Sanity"

Down with a lil leaky nose, cough and a mild fever since Thursday. I'm still sick today, so let me excuse myself from blogging. "The Pink pills are for your Sanity". Haha, it actually got me laughing.

I will resume blogging when I recover from my sickness, and as soon as I'm "inspired" to write something. *Giggles*.

Or more like should I say as soon as I have something to rant/ramble about ?

So please pray for my Speedy recovery.

Save Eryn.

Meanwhile on the Sidenote:

Tomorrow my second sister, Annise is going to sit for her UPSR . Her papers gonna finish on Wednesday. Good luck to her. Looking back the days when I had my UPSR makes me feel like I'm so old now. Which was like what? 6 years ago ?

Also,
Good Luck to my friends who's sitting for their STPM trials tomorrow, especially Yilin ( my therapist in Penang ), and my angels in U6Science1,Science2, and U6Arts2. Also to everyone I know who's sitting for their STPM this coming November.

Well you dont need Luck , all you need is Study. That's what my ex use to tell me everytime I'm gonna sit for an exam.

All the best you people.

P/S : Since I'm sick, you are forced to hear Norah Jones.

*Ooh, how my body appreciate Jazz when I'm sick..haha.*

:*: Self - Independence :*:

Oh well, as we all know yesterday was Malaysian Independence Day. Dove = Freedom ? Freedom = Peace ?

I actually think I'm getting better at this. At slowly weaning myself off my parents, systematically loosing dependence. If I were any older, I'd be a fraud to be writing everything I did, and to still be living with them. It's too Malaysian, not that being Malaysian is bad, but rather the fact that we just seem to live with our parents...forever.

Living is quite incomprehensible, don't you think.

For a long, long time, there didn't seem to be any way around things. If you lived here, you'd know what I mean. Literally, there's just such an inevitable sense of routine that seems inescapable most times. It isn't actually, but some people never leave it (fact: I'm still stuck in it) because it's too comfortable, but more-so, because they haven't comprehended anything else.

What did education ever do for me anyway, I've memorized more textbooks then can be good for me, I'm not being contemptuous and self-effacing. I know I have talent, it's just that I can't seem to make money out of it yet. Why's that?

Oh I'll tell you why that is. It's because I spent all that time memorizing books to which all I got out of it was maybe a couple of certificates from the school for the occasional good performance (unfortunately very rarely).

So today, which is quite like many 'one days' I have woken up to previously, realised I need to get a grip on my life, as cliche as that is. I'm a balanced individual, normally. Life is easy to handle, I don't do hard drugs and will never do hard drugs, I have an eating disorder, but it's much better now then it was a couple of years ago. But when it comes to what everyone expect out of me, God, I need to get out.

Everyone expect so much out of me. It's insane, and horribly unfair.

Hate having to be considerate to them all, and all the time, especially when they're not considerate to me. In fact, I hate being considerate to people because I have to; who does.

But if you have to so that it makes life easier... don't suppose you've given yourself a choice, have you.

Have I ?

I need to function as an individual. I honestly should leave, and it's scary for me to think about it, because I know I can. They don't teach it to you in school. Everything here functions as one bloody big community, you can never live for yourself. Consider your parents, your grandparents; for God sakes everyone can consider themselves, they are humans after all.

I'm getting older and I really think this irresponsibility about my life on my part simply cannot do. But God, I am so lazy. Why should I work when I can live off them for a few more years?

Perhaps I should find someone to live off, either way, I'm beholden to somebody.

I really need to figure things out, need to start doing something, make something, be productive. This world does not run on empty. I wish I knew how to, though.

Meanwhile, Bakry is so cold towards me these days. Why couldn't he compromise and love me like he used to ?

I miss the 'old' Bakry. The one that makes me feel like a princess and sent me emails that cheered me up when he is not here to make me happy.

Overall today is a shitty day, I even got punched at my left arm by some dude from next class, and he dared to say to me he was joking. What kind of sick joke was that ?

Ouch my arms hurt.

My Quote of the day:

Repugnance is simply a variation of fascination.