First Moan-day of the Year One-Oh.

Yesterday, I said I was going to blog at night and was all in chirpy-fruity-loops-cheery mood as I had a Saturday full of happiness. But I think I was taken as a fool in happiness instead of being full of happiness. Apparently someone doesn't know how to count his blessings when he was given some.

What the heck you think I am? I effing wait for you like 1 whole month plus 6 hours at the airport and you decided to blow me off on Sunday? Am I someone you took on a roller coaster ride? All fun and jiggly but step out feeling nauseous and with head-thumping-temple-clouding?

I don't know what sense am I talking about as I am typing this. I don't know what I did to deserve listening to your lies. Starting to wonder what is right, wrong, the truth or lies. And you fucking dare told me that I should have TRUST you when you said you're going to call me and meet me when you come back?

Fuck. In less than 24hours time you decided to fuck up again with me.

I thought we can try to be better this time.

I don't know whether I should hate you. I don't know why am I still waiting.

I don't know what to feel now.

Please is all I'm asking for.

Short notes:

Probably you just love seeing me like this. But hey, if I could have waited 1 month and 6 hours for Saturday to happen, what makes you think I couldn't wait another day, month or maybe year?

Please pour 100ml of water into this bottle and 2 scoops of milk please.

Second day of the year 2010. Where do I start? It started off with a text message on my mobile saying S had got into an accident. Nothing broken, just some scratches here and there. He took a nap after the accident at Z's crib and was out and about with me later at Asia Cafe with TC, and another Z. Had light dinner consists of Takoyaki and fruit juice. Hang out until about 3 am or so, then we headed home. After dropping me off at my place, I received a text message from Z saying TC car broke down somewhere where S accident took place.

That was something to start off my midnight of 02.01.2010.

Meanwhile, this morning I woke up having a nervous wreck. Without a proper plan, no schedule, no flight itinerary,  I decided to just hit the airport wee in the morning to surprised someone I long to meet for answers to questions thats been bothering me like hell. Arrived at the airport around 9.22am, which was earlier that I expected. The night before I listed down all possible flights from Kuching which starts as early as 11am and last flight out from Kuching arrives around 11.30pm.

First flight arrives and I waited like a daughter who's waiting for his daddy to come back home and hit McDonald for Prosperity burger. You'll only get this if you've watched the advertisement on Malaysian tv. While waiting for the first flight to arrive, I made up a new friend, R. She was waiting for her brother to touch down from Terengganu then off to Sabah together. She asked me who am I waiting for, told her my whole complicated story and she said well don't give up hope and all the best. Funny how I still have time to make friends although I was feeling all jiggly and sleepy at the same time. R then went off  and say goodbye after her brother arrived. Then came an Indian tourist with her baby in arms waiting for her flight at 3pm.Well I was bored so I asked where she was going thats how I know her flight is departing at 3pm. Then while I was still dazing my eyes over the arrival gate although there was no arrival at the moment, the Indian tourist asked me, "Could you help me out?", "Please help me pour 100ml of water into this bottle and 2 scoops of milk please". Before I knew it, I was making milk for some stranger's baby. How odd was that for a surprised unplanned trip down at the airport for me. Waited but a no show from him.

Second flight arrives, I decided to changed my spot of waiting to somewhere much more nearer to the gate of arrival. Took out my notebook which I written down the list of available flights from Kuching to KL. Then a police who was walking around, stop by me and asked. "What were you crossing out on that list?". I showed him the list that I made, and told him the reason I was there. He was like, "Usually its the man who do the waiting." He asked what if his flight is not today, and I told him I'll sleep here if I have to. Then he told me to go to Air Asia's counter and asked for his flight details. I went there, but sadly I don't know his IC number, so they couldn't help me much. As it was their policy not to reveal passengers list unless you have the person's ID or booking number. Giving full name wasn't just enough, although I tried L's trick by telling he called me telling he is coming back today, but before I get to write down the flight details the line got cut off, and I couldn't reach him as there were no service at where he's at. It was a lady at the counter, I bet if it was a guy I could just slipped down my phone number and get every details I need. Waited but still no show from him.

Third flight arrives, and I started to feel hungry. A bit dizzy too as well, since I rushed to get to the airport and all I had was a cup of Joe. Decided to go and buy something and all the sudden the arrival gate starts flocking up with people. So I waited and felt like crying at the same time thinking being here was just a mistake. What if he's not coming back today? Am I still going to wait up until the last flight? I told my friends I would wait if I have to and was so positive about it but after 5 hours of waiting, hope seems to runs down on me bit by bit. So again I waited with no signs of him.

Few minutes later, I decided to stand up just the time for the fourth flight arrives. As I stood up, I saw a traveller with a red Deuter backpack and a familiar grey t-shirt, something similiar to what he gave me. My heart just goes beeping mad, jumping inside of me, wanting to get out of my rib cage. I know thats him. The one I've been waiting to talk to for the past 1 month. Saw him walking to the luggage center to take his luggage. 15 minutes later, he walked out of the arrival gate. He shoot straight for the door without looking left or right, without noticing or expecting me to be there. I walked out to him. Held his hand and said "Hey".

He was stunned to see me there.

I decided not to elaborate more on what happened after that, because it was something private between me and him. Well there was tears rolling, hugs, Subway dinner, heart to heart confession somewhere in the middle. The whole 6 hours of waiting, and helped some stranger make milk for her baby was worthwhile after all.

But I'm glad to say it all ended up with Happiness.

Shortnotes:

Thanks to all friends who wished me luck on Facebook, text messages and calls. I made it through the day with your support people. I love you all loads.

Should've known you'd bring me heartache...

Almost lovers always do.

Quoted of someone's Facebook status, which I guess she also quoted it elsewhere. We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find. Cliche or lame as it might sound, metaphorically speaking it does make sense.

Starting off my first day of the New Year feeling hopeless. Out of 100% probably now I'm left with 10% of hope maybe by tomorrow around 2-5% before my heart totally goes on discount bargain. At this point, I put all my hope on my bag of miracle. This is the time where I believe in fairy dust, or red-greenish apples from a witch doctor. I do need all the faith I have in me to pull this off.

What a post to start off my New Year.

Eventually I did went off to The Curve yesterday with A, S, Z and I. It was just another New Year celebration with a bunch of Arabs, Turks, Indonesians, crazy angst-teens, can't-let-go-of-each-other couples, and hyped snow-bubbles-tin-can-spray monkeys. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, just a night of music, crowd and friends. After the whole count down ritual and being mobbed by the spray-freaks monkeys, I felt a little dizzy. Almost choked inhaling gases from the spray-cans and all other sort of odours from the crowd. Nevertheless, I shall say I did enjoyed the night although my head was thinking about lots of things while I was pretending to celebrate.


After we thought we had enough ordeal with screaming, yelling, foot-thumping, body rubbing with the crowd, we decided to hang out in front of the grass pit or shall I say the small lawn in front of The Curve. Chilled, cam-whored, laughed and giggled about craps for an hour before we decided to go to Murni in SS2.


I didn't eat at Murni as I already had dinner at Ikano. So I watched them eat. Things get a little bit more fun when me and S starts crapping about the whole "Why we should carry a lighter, although we are not smoking?" crap to I. He was convinced with our ideas, and said he shall buy a lighter one soon. Around 4.30am we decided to head home. Sent S off at Bukit Antarabangsa. By the time I reached home, its already nearly 6am. Hair smells like rubber, but I was too tired to clean up. Changed my clothes and went straight to bed instead.


Woke up today with the sound of my lovely faithful alarm which I set at 12pm. Funny how I still have to set my alarm although I plan to wake up by lunch time. Usually alarm are needed if you need to wake up at an early time. As usual it is just another day to go by.


The whole New Year anticipating feeling by certain people are still yet to be answered by me. As I don't feel today is any different than the days before. Just another random day with a different date.


I know it is just the first day of the New Year, and I hope it is not too much of me to ask for the rainbow to shine down on me soon.


Shall load pictures from yesterday rendezvous soon after I get them loaded by S.


Short notes:
The last time I heard the Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy was in someone's car. Didn't get to listen to it fully, as that someone told me "This is not the right song at the moment". I just downloaded it just now as the phrase "Goodbye my almost lover" crossed my mind before I blog this post.


I finally understand why.

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

In a couple of hours time, 2009 is going to take its final bow and drags in another number : 2010. What a crazy, dramatic, loved, hormonal year it has been.

To me 2009, is a year of heartbreak. The year where I've heard a lot "I'll be there for you if you need me", "No matter what I'll always love you", "I can be myself when I'm around you", "If you leave me, who else going to call me *insert pet names here*", "I love you because of you", or "Must there be a reason to love you?"

Craps.

I hope 2010, is not another year of dysfunctional relationships with everyone I met in my life. Few days ago, few friends told me they saw some improvement in me. I asked them what sort of improvement? They said  I sound okay, happy and moved on. Z even told me, "See, it doesn't hurt that bad, right.."

What they don't know is, I had double dosage of heartbreak in a week.

So what do I look forward to in 2010? I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. I'm not going to plan anything specific, as knowing myself very well the whole resolution list would only be sticking up on the fridge for 1 month, before I start crowding it with other important notices or pictures. So to summarize everything I want in the 2010, I would just say happiness in life, good health, and lots of money. Perhaps world peace as well?

I'm turning 23 years old next year. In 7 years time I'll be 30? Oh sheesh. Well, age is just a number. Whats the point of having a big number in your profile or resume, if you're still acting like a child who runs away from responsible when you're the one who broke the vase? In my case, hearts.

Well let me let go now since its over for me.

Anyway, I'm still in dazed where to celebrate my New Year. When I asked around, majority spells out The Curve. Like theres no other better place than that? But then I did surveyed whats happening tomorrow, besides the major clubs, The Curve seems to be a good choice if you just need to be in an open crowd instead of chugging beer bottles and mad heartbroken drunk people. Yes, New Year parties usually are filled with broken hearted cases who drinks away gulps to bid sorrow away from their life. And some are on the prowl of looking for someone new to screwed up with.


I'm just going with the majority votes later on where to celebrate our New Year.

I wish everyone would have a splendid year ahead, filled with love, happiness, good carrier, and good health. In conclusion I wish all the goodness for everyone. Hope we're not looking forward to the new year for a new start on our old habits.

Happy New Year, and be safe everyone.

I love you guys loads, always and forever just like how I love you guys in the previous years.

See you in my first post for 2010.

Short notes:
Will I get what I want in few days time?

If ever there was a doubt. My love, he leans into me.

When someone told you he'll always be there for you when you need him. How long would he be there until he decided to leave? 2 weeks? 4 months? 1 year? Or when he is with you, is he with someone else too as well? Questions seems to pour in and out lately. It's been days since "The Day" happened. Thoughts lingered in my head for these past few days.

I do need him now, but he's not here to answer my every questions, my confusion. How is it to hang a tab curtain without a rod? How do you plug in your speaker when there is no more USB port left? How do you cook that Durian sambal? How do you it would make me laugh when you do that whole rapper imitation singing? How do you make everything feels right when I am wrong?

Sometimes it doesn’t feel so bad, you know? The pain and the constant ache. It’s like a toothache that never goes away, but it is in your heart. And like a toothache, every time you bite into something hard, it hurts a whole lot more. Perhaps like a few BBQ skewers piercing through flesh? 

I hope God do listen to my prayers, the thoughts in my mind. Hope the Almighty could give me some closure on whats been happening in my life lately. I know what I want. But does He want to give it to me? Sheesh. I am not asking much, just a little bit of sign saying theres hope left for me still. 

Two days till New Year. Been invited to a New Year party by RD. The next day another party in Euphoria with B. Decided not to write any resolutions as I always do every year because I only want one thing in this world. Am I going to get it? I hope I do.

Short notes:
Short post today as I don't think I do have any interesting updates until New Year.

As the year 09 ticks off...

Last weekend and today was a blast.

Ikea with housemates, did a little grocery shopping, hanging out at Mali's Corner with S and Z, street gazing down the KL roads, unplanned Putrajaya trip with Z and A, Ikea again few random people, watched Alvin and the Chipmunks, random arguments with someone, untouched dinner and received a highly anticipated message reply in my inbox.

Yes, I've typed it out all in chronological order.

Random things seems to excites me lately. I miss how I used to be back in the days. The Eryn who wakes up looking forward to cooking lunch, where to eat for dinner, sushi take-outs, donuts indulgence, chocolate feedings, facial-mask treatments and so many littlest-activities in the world that seems to fulfill my heart with its own definition of Happiness.

Not that I didn't enjoy myself lately but a certain kind of happiness seems to be missing out from my heart which turns me into a very unstable lady with an unpredictable bitch-fit every hour or two.

Okay. Maybe not every hour or two. If it does occurs every hour or two, I would gladly drive myself to the nearest mental ward for depression diagnosis. But yeah, lately I get pissed off quite easy, lay off the whole period statement because I haven't got my period due too being all stressed out. Heart feels numb and goes on cardiac arrest mode every now and then. Theres a shovel in my heart and it's digging a hole.

The year 2009 is drawing its curtains down soon, some people been asking me what is my New Year resolution? What do I want in my life if it ends tomorrow?

Happiness.

Enough said.

Short notes:

Sleeping time seems to be all haywired, I need my Valium back.

Anywhere but Here.

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still. 
Like when they say, "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end."

Short notes:

Nothing much to say today. Just got back from doing groceries with my housemates. Going to chill with a couple of friends tonight for dinner and drinks. My head starts to feel dizzy a little as I'm typing this, hence I decided not to blog on anything today. Will be back soon before you know it.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Because I know I did.

Take care and be safe babes.

Loving everyone loads =)

You won't get a decision from me...

Because I'm a rag doll when it comes to making up my mind.

What happened last night was just mad. But thanks to Q and Z, I made it through the day without a single tear. Had a splendid breakfast + lunch prepared by them. It is just wonderful when you have caring housemates like them, although what we're having were just reheated-leftovers from yesterday's party they went to. Stayed in the room through out the afternoon listening to songs while it rained in bliss outside my window. The weather was just perfect for me to sit and gather all my thoughts, to make up for the love I just lost.

Evening came in, and decided to tag along my housemates for dinner. Original plan was to go to Subang for dinner and shop some groceries. But then in the end we head down to Ikea, because they need to get a table for their bedroom. Well what else could you eat in Ikea rather than beefballs? So we had beefballs for dinner and as usual I took a very long time finishing my food. They thought I had a hard time finishing my food because of it was just too much of a portion for me. What they didn't know was, I was flashing back the day I brought you over to Ikea for the first time, with our little drama being flagged down by the police and got yourself a summon. Plus the ordeal of finding where exactly we park our ride and got lost in the car park.

Behind the beefballs and smiles, I was hurting inside.

Well enough of reminiscing, we then proceed to the department store. Ikea has a lot of weird looking-unimaginable stuff and utensils sometimes and I had a hard time laughing over Q and Z making fun of every single thing they laid their hands on. Spotted a lot of heart-themed curtains, cushions, gift wrappers and ribbons. It just wrecked and drenched me inside thinking of some issues. After an hour in there and they got themselves a table and curtains for their bedroom. We then head across to the flea market at The Curve. It sucks-balls really. Nothing interesting that caught my attention.

Or probably, my mind just wasn't there.

I miss you love.  

Short notes:

I woke up this morning. With the burning of love hanging over my head, as I walked into the living room, thinking what's going on. Tell me, so that I understand. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning with a hurting that I would never ever wish upon, even my worst enemy. 

I could tolerate one bullshit perday so please don't make it two...

Three or more. If you have to, please put and tag them in a group. Thank you.

It's over and done. Something I've been keeping inside of me. I've cleared myself off. It hurts to both me and her but at least my dearest significant other, theres no more lies, no more confusion, no more pretending. 

Its over. Why can't you do the same? I don't know what you're waiting for. Stop acting like the good person here now. I know after my whole confession, she would hate me, call me any four, five or six letter word she could think off. It wasn't easy for me as well, but I just have to do it. I don't care anymore about my feelings, our friendship, or whatever rendezvous we were having on.

I did appreciate you and made you happy but heck you couldn't see it and throw me away just like that. I don't mind being thrown around, but please stop all this nonsense and lies. You know I was being honest and  had admitted everything that happened, probably that is why you didn't reply my question. 

Who is the one full of Bullshit now?

The problem with you is about trying to show as if you are the good person to your partner and even more to your ex-partners now. In a given example, a guy would show himself to his ex-gf that he is the most perfect guy she could ever get in her life although he is a cold blooded criminal, thug, rapist or whatever bad person you could name of here.

Perhaps I can put this as being one of your weakness. Maybe you're the type who loves showing their weakness as someone's mistake. Basically this is what people call as Selfish ?

I couldn't believe I let this happened and drag this long. But at least I feel at ease now. Hate me for the rest of your life for telling her, but then karma is a bitch babe. You did this to her, putting me on guilt trip, and I know you lied about some stuff to me as well, not just to her but then when did you ever care anyway?

If you did care about her feelings and was the person I thought you were, please tell her the truth. She needs to know. But please don't twist the story which is already twisted.

Heck, I even probably end up in Hell for all thats been said and done. You don't have to wish me of going to Hell, because we might walk down the lane together, holding hands. Enough said.

May you find solace in the arms of another woman.

Short notes:

I am truly sorry.

On the eve of Christmas Santa gave to me...

A heartbreak.

A gift perfectly wrap in red ribbons with a tag saying...

"To Eryn: You've been a very good girl but ain't karma a bitch?"

I am still grieving over the gift Santa gave to me. Going through the hours today is quite hard for me. Everything seems to be disoriented, misplaced and out of order. But throughout the confusion I had today, I came up with an idea, that I hope it will work when the time comes. My heart probably is a little bit sticky due to a lot of adhesive tape being duct around it. A little bit of crack here, a little of hole there. Should try covering it up with cement. Or maybe Plaster of Paris will work the trick. If my heart shatters again, then probably its time to sculpt a new one. Shall make a star shape of something, or maybe something round like Ultraman's and beeps little blue light when I'm barely breathing anymore.

Everyone who knows what happened yesterday already expected it to happen. Some said I already knew the consequences but I am still being the Eryn who believes she can make donuts out of stone. Eryn who lives in a world where everyone is a pony. They ate rainbow and poop out butterflies.They drank rain drops and pee out honey. I know that was just cute right?

They said I was just too stubborn and I need to wake up and stop all this hopeful believing in miracle crap.

Open my eyes and smell the coffee.

By the was as I am blogging this, it is already past midnight.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my wonderful readers and to my loved ones out there, you know who you are. I just had a thought of this whole wishing or conveying celebration wishes idea.

Before sending text messages or some would refer to as SMS was an in-thing, sending greeting cards was something everyone look forward to. Two weeks before any big celebration, mail comes pouring in with greeting cards some are fancy, some are plain, some with pop-out arts, and some even play music.

Then comes the SMS trend where everyone look forward to midnight, then text messages comes pouring in with greetings and fancy wording messages. Some with pictures, and theres a few of them who don't mind spending an extra 10 or 20 cents to send a MMS with music or video.

But now theres something much more bigger than SMS apparently.

Facebook.

Just load some Christmas theme picture obtained from Google or if you're daring enough put on some Santa or  Sexy Elf outfit, snap snap and start tagging everyone in the picture. Technology had really taken over our lives whether we like it or not.

Maybe soon people just don't invite friends to weddings anymore. Snap snap few pictures in wedding gown in the studio and tag everyone it in with the message...

We're married ?! 

Have a safe holiday folks. Thoughts and prayers goes to all of you.
I love you all always.

Short notes:

It only takes a minute of your precious time, to turn around. I'll be two steps behind.