From a third person's point of view I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. But hey, who cares? Everyone's pathetic one way or another. So lets cough it up Eryn, why are you bashing yourself again this time?
Well, I'm a competitive whore. After seeing the capabilities of other people around me I began to feel inferior. Not inferior to "them" but to the rest of the world.
I'm no where near the professional level others have already achieved my age that I want to reach as well. I'm even on par with some of the not-so-serious students at my class. I want to be better. I want to stand out. Why? I really don't know.
I've been asking myself constantly before. Why do I strive to meet expectations that I can never reach? To prove my significance and existence? I know I'm not the kind of person who wants to be better than everyone else "just because".
No, I'm not a conceited asswhore or am I?
I don't want to be. I really hope thats not the reason.
Short talks: Idealists, Dreamers and Religion
Ideals, dreams, hope, trust.
I've just come to realized how they're all so childish and unrealistic. I hate how everything I've learned up until now about "not giving up" and "anything is possible if you try your hardest" is all a lie.
A fake. I'm an imaginative person,maybe thats why I like art so much?
I like seeing the idealistic hot dude who always come on top by doing whats "right". I like seeing the good guys always getting the happy ending that they deserve.
Sadly. Thats not how real life works but not just to a certain extent sometimes it works in the complete opposite way. They say the truth hurts. Why yes, it certainly does.
I'm a dreamer. I'm an idealist. I choose to continue living this path. Why? I'm living in denial. I deny reality and the unequal circumstances it brings upon people.
I want to believe that if I try my hardest I will achieve what I want, because at least, false hope can still bring me happiness and joy. I may feel like a fool after I've failed to achieve anything, telling myself what an idiot I was and how I had seen all of it coming.
But what if I do become successful? Then I can stand on top of my very own mountain telling the world that with hard work, anyone can achieve their dreams even though I'd be lying to every single one of them because deep down inside, I know life is nothing more but a gamble.
That my friends is the unavoidable truth. Actually, it's avoidable if you live a life of lies. I despise false hope. Sometimes I believe it's a blessing for those who're able to live in a care free manner thinking someone loves them all and is watching over them.
I hated people who were so weak that they had to create an imaginative figure-head to make themselves feel better. I thought it seemed as low as taking drugs, drinking alcohol or making an imaginary friend, just something that will wash all your problems away because they choose to run rather than accept the truth. But lately I've come to realize and understand the people that just can't take the pressure reality pushes on their shoulders. These people NEED religion to get up every morning, walk out that front door and face whatever life has in store for them.
So, I don't exactly hate religious people anymore. It's not a matter of who's weak and who's strong, just that life can be so cruel some times. I still hate those preachers who come to me asking me to behave though. Bastards.
