Bubbles burst. Dreams steamrolled. Imperfections and cruelties of life glaringly clear. Crap facts noted. Love stinks.

If you’re a hopeless romantic, searching for Tom Cruise "You Complete Me" type of person, you better leave now. Because I’m about steamroll any Jerry Maguire-drenched happily-ever-after scenarios. Go now while your ideals are still in tact.

Been waking up to tears lately. Pain so deep that it aches in ways I’ve never felt before. I used to think. “If it’s so hard it musn’t be true love. True love has a meant-to-be-ness about it that’s gotta make everything easier. Like, if it’s that hard, then it just ain’t right. Right? My relationship with my own self is complicated, how could I expect it to be simple with another? 

I hardly talk to him anymore, it was a few words before everything got into a mess. She knows we’re ____________ .  I guess and all the things that were unique and special about me are things she’s starting to do. He won’t need me anymore and just the way he says things lately is enough to kill me.

I’m so incredibly stupid. I should just keep to myself, any time I’ve ever taken a risk I end up being told there is someone better than me. I’m tired of coming in second, tired of someone else always being better.

It’s so hurtful to keep getting told how great and awesome you are but not good enough because they need something else. Some physical attribute that I don’t have. I shouldn’t want someone who thinks like that, I tell myself it all the time but you get pulled in and you’re told you’re great only to have the rug snatched out from under you and your head hits the hard floor. One of these days it’s going to happen and my head is just going to smash to a million tiny pieces.

If she’s so great why do you keep talking to me? 

Why do you keep talking to other girls? 

What the fuck is wrong with you?

With this pain it’s easier for other ones to keep surfacing. It’s like a gashed open wound and all the blood and puss just keep coming through. I keep thinking about someone who told me how important personality is and how it’s so much more important than looks yet while taking me out for a drink kept texting this other girl the entire time. Then a kiss and the words it’s really not fair to her.

If it’s not fair to her why  would you do that to me? What about what is fair to me? The worst part about it, we’re still ___________. It’s like a guy needs to make sure they emotionally destroy me before just being friends. Why do I keep getting punished?

I can’t do this anymore so I stopped talking to the guy above. From time to time he says hi, whatever.

Short notes:

How can something be "new" and "improved"? If it's new, what was it improving on?

(This post is fictitious, I'm not referring to any particular person nor talking about myself neither)

When it rains...

It's been a while since it rained here in Shah Alam. As I am typing this rain is pouring heavily outside my window. I hate the rain actually because usually it would like destroy my plans, well not really destroy but more like dampen the mood of going out.

But recently I've come to love the rain and sort of miss it when it is not raining.

Why?

Because rain is what brought us together.

When it rains, mother would make a pot of tea accompanied with butter cookies or home-made banana fritters, in my mother's case she would get her banana-fritters under the Ketapang tree stall somewhere near my house.

Family would get together around the coffee table and chat. A cup of sugary tea feels so warm and sweet although it is not specially brewed from Starbucks.

Friends would call up each other for a cup of Joe at their favourite mamak.

When it rains, long distance couple would stay home and get online exchanging never ending messages on their messengers. Hearts thrown to each other on a simple line we called the Internet. Emoticons replaced undivided emotions and sometimes they'll just go "Hahaha" all the way although their partner is not making any sense just to keep them happy. Or some chose to have never ending arguments.

When it rains, some couple decided to stay in watch illegal downloaded movies copied from friends and snuggle. Boring movies such as the retro "Honey I've Shrunk the Kids" series seems to be entertaining although you've watched it like way back in the 90's.

Some however, used the rain reason to get closer and (you know what happens next).

When it rains, some chose to hang out more longer with friends because it's too wet to run back to get the car. Some ended up arguing with bf/gf over the phone or smses because their partner didn't believe in the whole "cannot run back to the car because it is raining" reason and think that their partner is cheating on them. Well that happens to me before where he told me "Its not that you're riding a motorcycle, it's a car - hence you're not going to get wet". It wasn't my fault as I didn't have the umbrella with me that time. I don't predict the rain.

I have my reasons why I love the rain.

It make me feel loved. Closer. Blessed with the people around me.

When it rains, hot cocoa and satin blankets comforter could never go wrong.

Green tea bought from Mid Valley Japanese stall, felt like it was infused with love although it was only blenched with hot tap water in your free-gifts mugs.

And,

When it rains, thats the time I got to stay in with you.

Short notes:

I hope it rained again tomorrow although you're not here.

Updates:
Someone care to remind me it was satin comforter and not blanket as I've mentioned. Didn't know he still remembered.

Someone also said I've sounded so loving in this blog post.

Are you trying to tell me I was all sad and gloomy all these while?

Oh well. I've changed babe.

Worst or the better?

God knows.

After 3 long-ass donkey years.

I am back bitches.

It's been a long hiatus from blogging for me, but I'm back. Here, I'll make some excuses:

1. I usually take the leap year off from blogging, and it just kind of got away from me.

2. I ended up suffering from a "persistent, intractable migraine" which had me cowering in a dark room for over 3 years, and even in the hospital for almost 1 year. I can now tell you what true misery is like.

Ok, so I only have 2 excuses, and only one of those is really a 'reasonable' one. Haha. Fine, I can accept that. But I'm back and should be back to blogging regularly shortly. I hoped I still have the talent to write like how I used to.

Today is my first day back at blogging after 3 years of hiatus with the busy schedule of my life. I was finding it a little hard to get my brain back into blogging mode. Some responded by suggesting I write a post on the daily rituals that I use to get my mind into gear.

I thought I’d take their suggestion and jot down a few notes – both as a way of getting my head back into blogging but also because looking at the tweets I received this morning it’s a problem many bloggers face.

As my head is a little scattered today (as I readjust) I’m going to tackle this readjusting mode as soon as possible.

It's been a while, since I last rant on this blog. I've thought of starting a new blog and discard this one, but I would love my readers to see how I've grown, not in size but in my way of thinking. Surprisingly people still do read my blog and send me text messages every now and then asking me to get my ass back to blogging but I've told them I was looking for the right moment and the right time to start again.

So is today the right moment?

I woke up this morning pondering these ideas I had, wondering if I could just decide to find more of it in all the activities before me as I climbed out of bed. I decided I could and would. I'd approach this blog like it was the first time I was doing it.

Theres a lot of updating, editing, throwing to be done to this blog and hoped I could get back on track just before New Year.

A lot of ups and downs happened lately and I want to start my pre-blog post on "Joy and Happiness".

My fascination with joy started slowly about two years ago when I began to get a little crazy in life. The fact that happiness is a state of being we can choose. Like centeredness, we can memorize what happiness feels like in the mind and body and go there on purpose.

True happiness connects us with what's meaningful in life. We learn to develop gratitude, awe and wonder, central characteristics of happy people.

We learn to notice what is good. Happiness isn't only something that happens to us. Happiness is a choice.

What are you happy about today? Nothing pops up?

Then try this: Just decide to be happy, then look for the reasons.

I've found my reason to be happy today, which is getting my ass back to blogging.

Let us all gives Eryn a welcome back pat on the back. She deserves it.

Short notes:
Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to start writing again and thanks to my faithful readers from all over the country. Love you guys bits and loads. Will come up with a topic to rant on as soon as possible.

Updates:
The blog skin is going to stink for a while as I am still in the process of editing and updating it. So this pre-loaded blog skin from Blogger will do for now. Thanks to the Blogger team for making it easy for me to get back on track.

5.6.11

Wee...

5 days to Christmas,6 more days to Daddy's birthday, and 11 more days to New Year.

I can't wait for Christmas.

And I wonder...

Who am I kissing under the mistletoe this year for Christmas?

I hope its Him.

Daddy's birthday is a day after Christmas. I have no idea what to buy for him. Maybe a belated birthday lunch or dinner since my salary is due at the end of the month only...

*sob sob*

People gets happy usually when they think of money, but I cry each time I think of those litle blue, green, red, purple papers...

11 more days to New Year !

Meaning 11 more days to go thru my New Year resolution, not that I have any yet...

What have I achieved from last year resolution anyway?

Let us review:
- Be a good girlfriend to my "baby cakey".
*I broke up with him.

- Be a good friend to everyone.
*So far I think I'm a good friend.

- Be the best student in school or at least in my batch and score straight A's and get into my medical course and be a gynaecologist, so I get to lick my patients, ooh..that's just Hot, yet Kinky.
*I stop studying and working for now.

- Be a less rebellious and a good daughter especially to my mother.
*Not staying with parents, so I am being rebellious.

- Get more pretty.
(this one is impossible, unless I decided to do some surgeries and sculpt my high cheeks bone)
*I've cut and changed my hair style.

- Lose some weight, I'm freaking 51 kg now.
*I'm 50 now.

- Be more productive with my time.
*I'm working my ass off everyday.

- Get at least 80% in everything for school.
*Mentioned above, I've stop studying.

- Get my bloody driving license already.
*Still an illegal.

- Get out more and meet new people.
*Keep meeting new people everyday.

- Learn to bake and cook more for my baby.
*Broke up, so I guess no use of learning it.

- Manage my money well, my baby said I've been spending too much on unnecessary things especially on my phone.
*Still trying.

- Stay away from guys because they're evil and break your heart faster than you can say "Hey, I needed that!"
*They keep on breaking my heart no matter what.

Out of 13 resolutions written, 6 achievements have been made.

I guess thats ok.

Now I'm penning down my 2007 resolutions on an invisible piece of paper a.k.a my mind.

Will update later =)

Sidenotes:
Life is all about experience.

Don't you agree?

it's been a while

Since I last blogged.

6 days.

1 more day it's going to be a week.

Nothing much to blog about.

If I started to blog, then it would only be about me and you know who...

Met him today.

Does it matter if I met him today?

No.

But to certain people it does matter.

Busybody ain't them?

Well what to do.

It's the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

Apparently, these paparazzis aren't hired by anyone.

Rich and famous?

Not rich.

Just famous.

Tee-hee.

Sidenotes:
I miss my baby.

Starting this Sunday I'm working morning shift again.

I'm happy.

He knows why.

*Will update more when I have the urged to do so.

Toodles.

As on my way to work...

Everytime when I get on the taxi to work, the station that the driver tuned in is based on his ethnicity.

If it's an Indian driver it's Indian channel.
If it's a Malay then it's Malay channel.
If it's a Chinese then it's Chinese channel.

Taxi rides to work usually bored me to death.

But today it wasn't bad after all.

I didn't knew what channel the driver tuned in, but it actually played English songs.

Listened to Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On.

Eragon's OST.

A song that match my current mood at the moment.

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through


Sidenotes:
I hope we'll make it through. They'll wrong if they think they can bring us down because with you by my side I will fight and defend.

Watched a scary movie yesterday...

A very scary movie since I hate the main character in this movie.

Watched Cicakman (I hate lizards) with Reza yesterday.

Had to agree to give 10 thumbs up for the movie.

Simple story board. But I guess it's Malaysia first Comedy Superhero movie. I did fell asleep for the last 15 mins, because it was too cold. Nice ambience to snuggle.

Had super late dinner cum supper at McDonalds.

Had our regulars as usual.

But yesterday's dessert was way better than our regular McFlurry.

Tee-hee.

The songs for Cicakman OST wasn't bad neither. Jika Ku Tak Bangun Esok Pagi by Yusry really touches me.

So if I don't wake up tomorrow morning Sayang, this is for you.

Jika ku tak bangun esok pagi,
Sayangku kau jagalah diri,
Sentiasa ingatkan hati,
Dirimu amat ku cintai.
Andainya dihimpit kesusahan,
Sujud dan mohon pada tuhan,
Agar diberikan bimbingan,
Meniti hidup bersendirian.
Bila terasa sejuk,
Pejamkan mata,
Bayangkan dalam dakapanku,
Bila terasa rindu,
Pejamkan mata,
Kita bersua dalam lena.
Kalau ada yang sudi mengganti,
Sayang lepaskanlah ku pergi,
Kerana insan yang seistimewamu,
Berhak untuk dicinta dalam...

Yummy

Had lunch with Reza today. He had business appointment at Sentral Plaza, so while he's in the area he asked me out for lunch.

Had our regulars.

McNuggets,Fries,Coke.

But our regulars wasn't just any regulars.

It was Yummy in the end.

Tee-hee.

Finishing work at 5pm.

Going Mid Valley after work with Reza.

Need to buy toiletries, clothes for work and maybe catch a movie after that.

Feels like watching Cinta.



Claims to be a Story About Love.

I don't really dig Malay movies, but to a certain point I have to agree Malaysian movie nowadays are progressing up to a certain standard.

Not bad.

Like Sepet and Gubra for a start.

Mind starting to wonder off about lunch just now. Better end my post here for today. Will update when my mind is back on the ground.

Sidenotes:
Reza wants to watch Cicakman, just checked it isn't out in the cinemas yet.

I hate lizards just for your general information.

But I love today's lunch.

Wakey Wakey™

*Giggles*

Tattered remnants of longing

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy happy day.

But it wasn't a happy happy day.

Reza picked me up after work and decided to go dinner and watched movie.We ate dinner, but didn't watch any movie.

I was just out of mood yesterday.

He sent me off back early. Arrived home around 11pm.

Was supposed to go out with T' but he had something on, and I felt like staying home at the same time.

Had my shower.

Then I felt bored.

Dressed up wearing everything Pink.

Then walked around my apartment.

Chilled with few neighbourhood friends at mamak.

Told them I need to break free, becaused I was feeling a little fucked up lately. Came up with the idea of driving around and we did.

Went around Damansara, then off to Sunway with Pele'. Was trying to kill time by doing nothing.

By the time I knew it, it was 4.30am when I arrived home.

Slept.

Woke up today still feeling a little bit crazy.

Now at work.

As I was typing this, so many things playing in my head.

What he told me.
What I told him.
What is going on.
What is going to happen.

I wished this feeling is going to end.

I want things be back how it used to. I just want to put back the smile on him and let us shine like how it used to be.

I need Him to be the saviour of my tattered Soul.

This musing is never going to end for a few weeks.

Sidenotes:
I am trying to smile.

But it obvious I'm hurting.

Semi-hiatus for a few days

Had my period yesterday.

But today it stops. Too stress until it effects my body.

Hope you guys are happy now.

That I'm emotionally unstable.

This blog will be on semi-hiatus for a few days. Even me and my baby have to put everything on semi-hiatus.

Till then.

Sidenotes:
Warm snuggle and kisses from my baby should help.

I miss Him.