Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

In a couple of hours time, 2009 is going to take its final bow and drags in another number : 2010. What a crazy, dramatic, loved, hormonal year it has been.

To me 2009, is a year of heartbreak. The year where I've heard a lot "I'll be there for you if you need me", "No matter what I'll always love you", "I can be myself when I'm around you", "If you leave me, who else going to call me *insert pet names here*", "I love you because of you", or "Must there be a reason to love you?"

Craps.

I hope 2010, is not another year of dysfunctional relationships with everyone I met in my life. Few days ago, few friends told me they saw some improvement in me. I asked them what sort of improvement? They said  I sound okay, happy and moved on. Z even told me, "See, it doesn't hurt that bad, right.."

What they don't know is, I had double dosage of heartbreak in a week.

So what do I look forward to in 2010? I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. I'm not going to plan anything specific, as knowing myself very well the whole resolution list would only be sticking up on the fridge for 1 month, before I start crowding it with other important notices or pictures. So to summarize everything I want in the 2010, I would just say happiness in life, good health, and lots of money. Perhaps world peace as well?

I'm turning 23 years old next year. In 7 years time I'll be 30? Oh sheesh. Well, age is just a number. Whats the point of having a big number in your profile or resume, if you're still acting like a child who runs away from responsible when you're the one who broke the vase? In my case, hearts.

Well let me let go now since its over for me.

Anyway, I'm still in dazed where to celebrate my New Year. When I asked around, majority spells out The Curve. Like theres no other better place than that? But then I did surveyed whats happening tomorrow, besides the major clubs, The Curve seems to be a good choice if you just need to be in an open crowd instead of chugging beer bottles and mad heartbroken drunk people. Yes, New Year parties usually are filled with broken hearted cases who drinks away gulps to bid sorrow away from their life. And some are on the prowl of looking for someone new to screwed up with.


I'm just going with the majority votes later on where to celebrate our New Year.

I wish everyone would have a splendid year ahead, filled with love, happiness, good carrier, and good health. In conclusion I wish all the goodness for everyone. Hope we're not looking forward to the new year for a new start on our old habits.

Happy New Year, and be safe everyone.

I love you guys loads, always and forever just like how I love you guys in the previous years.

See you in my first post for 2010.

Short notes:
Will I get what I want in few days time?

If ever there was a doubt. My love, he leans into me.

When someone told you he'll always be there for you when you need him. How long would he be there until he decided to leave? 2 weeks? 4 months? 1 year? Or when he is with you, is he with someone else too as well? Questions seems to pour in and out lately. It's been days since "The Day" happened. Thoughts lingered in my head for these past few days.

I do need him now, but he's not here to answer my every questions, my confusion. How is it to hang a tab curtain without a rod? How do you plug in your speaker when there is no more USB port left? How do you cook that Durian sambal? How do you it would make me laugh when you do that whole rapper imitation singing? How do you make everything feels right when I am wrong?

Sometimes it doesn’t feel so bad, you know? The pain and the constant ache. It’s like a toothache that never goes away, but it is in your heart. And like a toothache, every time you bite into something hard, it hurts a whole lot more. Perhaps like a few BBQ skewers piercing through flesh? 

I hope God do listen to my prayers, the thoughts in my mind. Hope the Almighty could give me some closure on whats been happening in my life lately. I know what I want. But does He want to give it to me? Sheesh. I am not asking much, just a little bit of sign saying theres hope left for me still. 

Two days till New Year. Been invited to a New Year party by RD. The next day another party in Euphoria with B. Decided not to write any resolutions as I always do every year because I only want one thing in this world. Am I going to get it? I hope I do.

Short notes:
Short post today as I don't think I do have any interesting updates until New Year.

As the year 09 ticks off...

Last weekend and today was a blast.

Ikea with housemates, did a little grocery shopping, hanging out at Mali's Corner with S and Z, street gazing down the KL roads, unplanned Putrajaya trip with Z and A, Ikea again few random people, watched Alvin and the Chipmunks, random arguments with someone, untouched dinner and received a highly anticipated message reply in my inbox.

Yes, I've typed it out all in chronological order.

Random things seems to excites me lately. I miss how I used to be back in the days. The Eryn who wakes up looking forward to cooking lunch, where to eat for dinner, sushi take-outs, donuts indulgence, chocolate feedings, facial-mask treatments and so many littlest-activities in the world that seems to fulfill my heart with its own definition of Happiness.

Not that I didn't enjoy myself lately but a certain kind of happiness seems to be missing out from my heart which turns me into a very unstable lady with an unpredictable bitch-fit every hour or two.

Okay. Maybe not every hour or two. If it does occurs every hour or two, I would gladly drive myself to the nearest mental ward for depression diagnosis. But yeah, lately I get pissed off quite easy, lay off the whole period statement because I haven't got my period due too being all stressed out. Heart feels numb and goes on cardiac arrest mode every now and then. Theres a shovel in my heart and it's digging a hole.

The year 2009 is drawing its curtains down soon, some people been asking me what is my New Year resolution? What do I want in my life if it ends tomorrow?

Happiness.

Enough said.

Short notes:

Sleeping time seems to be all haywired, I need my Valium back.

Anywhere but Here.

The feeling of Sunday is the same everywhere, heavy, melancholy, standing still. 
Like when they say, "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end."

Short notes:

Nothing much to say today. Just got back from doing groceries with my housemates. Going to chill with a couple of friends tonight for dinner and drinks. My head starts to feel dizzy a little as I'm typing this, hence I decided not to blog on anything today. Will be back soon before you know it.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Because I know I did.

Take care and be safe babes.

Loving everyone loads =)

You won't get a decision from me...

Because I'm a rag doll when it comes to making up my mind.

What happened last night was just mad. But thanks to Q and Z, I made it through the day without a single tear. Had a splendid breakfast + lunch prepared by them. It is just wonderful when you have caring housemates like them, although what we're having were just reheated-leftovers from yesterday's party they went to. Stayed in the room through out the afternoon listening to songs while it rained in bliss outside my window. The weather was just perfect for me to sit and gather all my thoughts, to make up for the love I just lost.

Evening came in, and decided to tag along my housemates for dinner. Original plan was to go to Subang for dinner and shop some groceries. But then in the end we head down to Ikea, because they need to get a table for their bedroom. Well what else could you eat in Ikea rather than beefballs? So we had beefballs for dinner and as usual I took a very long time finishing my food. They thought I had a hard time finishing my food because of it was just too much of a portion for me. What they didn't know was, I was flashing back the day I brought you over to Ikea for the first time, with our little drama being flagged down by the police and got yourself a summon. Plus the ordeal of finding where exactly we park our ride and got lost in the car park.

Behind the beefballs and smiles, I was hurting inside.

Well enough of reminiscing, we then proceed to the department store. Ikea has a lot of weird looking-unimaginable stuff and utensils sometimes and I had a hard time laughing over Q and Z making fun of every single thing they laid their hands on. Spotted a lot of heart-themed curtains, cushions, gift wrappers and ribbons. It just wrecked and drenched me inside thinking of some issues. After an hour in there and they got themselves a table and curtains for their bedroom. We then head across to the flea market at The Curve. It sucks-balls really. Nothing interesting that caught my attention.

Or probably, my mind just wasn't there.

I miss you love.  

Short notes:

I woke up this morning. With the burning of love hanging over my head, as I walked into the living room, thinking what's going on. Tell me, so that I understand. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning with a hurting that I would never ever wish upon, even my worst enemy. 

I could tolerate one bullshit perday so please don't make it two...

Three or more. If you have to, please put and tag them in a group. Thank you.

It's over and done. Something I've been keeping inside of me. I've cleared myself off. It hurts to both me and her but at least my dearest significant other, theres no more lies, no more confusion, no more pretending. 

Its over. Why can't you do the same? I don't know what you're waiting for. Stop acting like the good person here now. I know after my whole confession, she would hate me, call me any four, five or six letter word she could think off. It wasn't easy for me as well, but I just have to do it. I don't care anymore about my feelings, our friendship, or whatever rendezvous we were having on.

I did appreciate you and made you happy but heck you couldn't see it and throw me away just like that. I don't mind being thrown around, but please stop all this nonsense and lies. You know I was being honest and  had admitted everything that happened, probably that is why you didn't reply my question. 

Who is the one full of Bullshit now?

The problem with you is about trying to show as if you are the good person to your partner and even more to your ex-partners now. In a given example, a guy would show himself to his ex-gf that he is the most perfect guy she could ever get in her life although he is a cold blooded criminal, thug, rapist or whatever bad person you could name of here.

Perhaps I can put this as being one of your weakness. Maybe you're the type who loves showing their weakness as someone's mistake. Basically this is what people call as Selfish ?

I couldn't believe I let this happened and drag this long. But at least I feel at ease now. Hate me for the rest of your life for telling her, but then karma is a bitch babe. You did this to her, putting me on guilt trip, and I know you lied about some stuff to me as well, not just to her but then when did you ever care anyway?

If you did care about her feelings and was the person I thought you were, please tell her the truth. She needs to know. But please don't twist the story which is already twisted.

Heck, I even probably end up in Hell for all thats been said and done. You don't have to wish me of going to Hell, because we might walk down the lane together, holding hands. Enough said.

May you find solace in the arms of another woman.

Short notes:

I am truly sorry.

On the eve of Christmas Santa gave to me...

A heartbreak.

A gift perfectly wrap in red ribbons with a tag saying...

"To Eryn: You've been a very good girl but ain't karma a bitch?"

I am still grieving over the gift Santa gave to me. Going through the hours today is quite hard for me. Everything seems to be disoriented, misplaced and out of order. But throughout the confusion I had today, I came up with an idea, that I hope it will work when the time comes. My heart probably is a little bit sticky due to a lot of adhesive tape being duct around it. A little bit of crack here, a little of hole there. Should try covering it up with cement. Or maybe Plaster of Paris will work the trick. If my heart shatters again, then probably its time to sculpt a new one. Shall make a star shape of something, or maybe something round like Ultraman's and beeps little blue light when I'm barely breathing anymore.

Everyone who knows what happened yesterday already expected it to happen. Some said I already knew the consequences but I am still being the Eryn who believes she can make donuts out of stone. Eryn who lives in a world where everyone is a pony. They ate rainbow and poop out butterflies.They drank rain drops and pee out honey. I know that was just cute right?

They said I was just too stubborn and I need to wake up and stop all this hopeful believing in miracle crap.

Open my eyes and smell the coffee.

By the was as I am blogging this, it is already past midnight.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my wonderful readers and to my loved ones out there, you know who you are. I just had a thought of this whole wishing or conveying celebration wishes idea.

Before sending text messages or some would refer to as SMS was an in-thing, sending greeting cards was something everyone look forward to. Two weeks before any big celebration, mail comes pouring in with greeting cards some are fancy, some are plain, some with pop-out arts, and some even play music.

Then comes the SMS trend where everyone look forward to midnight, then text messages comes pouring in with greetings and fancy wording messages. Some with pictures, and theres a few of them who don't mind spending an extra 10 or 20 cents to send a MMS with music or video.

But now theres something much more bigger than SMS apparently.

Facebook.

Just load some Christmas theme picture obtained from Google or if you're daring enough put on some Santa or  Sexy Elf outfit, snap snap and start tagging everyone in the picture. Technology had really taken over our lives whether we like it or not.

Maybe soon people just don't invite friends to weddings anymore. Snap snap few pictures in wedding gown in the studio and tag everyone it in with the message...

We're married ?! 

Have a safe holiday folks. Thoughts and prayers goes to all of you.
I love you all always.

Short notes:

It only takes a minute of your precious time, to turn around. I'll be two steps behind.

Post-Depression: Day 1

I had a good night sleep yesterday. Slept early, well not that early but then it's considered early than the usual 7am sleeping shot.

No dreams, no vivid images, nothing.

Just a blank sleep.

But I woke up feeling miserable again.

Messages keep pouring in, phone calls keep coming. Everyone keep on asking how am I doing today.

Not good. Is that enough of an answer?

Meanwhile some people do enjoy looking at me grieving with my sadness. Its been a while since I mourned over something. But I am still hopeful over this matter.

The sun would shine again, if you keep on fanning off the dark clouds. Until then I will keep on hoping, and trying. Good things do come to those who wait. Sheesh. I am very hopeful when it comes to certain things.

Crossing my fingers, closing my eyes blowing my wishes all the way to Happiness.

Will blog something solid soon, after I get things cleared out of my head.

Short notes:

"Dam dam Seze". I just love the way Neytiri said that. It is just so sexy.

If there is a place further from me, I beg you do not go.

Love makes us crazy. Agree?

Well literally. I had my share of the good, the bad, and the slightly ugly aspects of romance.

It is good when, your love calls to say he or she can’t wait to see you again, and everything in the world becomes a little brighter: your claustrophobic room becomes charmingly cosy. When you fall for someone, you'll feel exhilarated. And the intensity of that joy spills over into every aspect of the rest of your life, mitigating any negative things that may be going on. We tend to recall the tiniest, most insignificant details about our love.

Is is bad when, while being in love can put you in the happy zone, it can also be a tad hazardous. When you’re infatuated to someone, activity decreases in the amygdala, a part of your brain that is associated with fear. The internal alarm system doesn’t disappear completely, but its more to jump into fearful situations despite the consequences.It keeps your mind laser-focused on details-but only those related to our love. It tends to hamper the ability to home in on anything else that is not connected with our love paradise. So much of our brain power is redirected to our love that every other person or project in the life just gets the leftovers.

It is sometimes ugly when, you become addicted to your love. The more affection and attention your love gives you, the more depressed you will feel in their absence. Falling head over heels makes you feel deliciously happy and on top of the world. But passion induced euphoria can also cause you to actually lose your mind. When you are in love, mood-altering chemicals can override the part of your brain that governs rational thought, while the giddiness can be pure bliss, there’s definitely a darker side to go gaga. 

Okay. I think this post is starting to sound a little bit too wordy than ever. Need to move on from the love topic to something more electrifying.

But what could be any more electrifying than Love per se?

Short notes:

Everyone is looking forward to Christmas and New Year. 


I am looking forward something else after the New Year. A few days to be exact. 
If February is a month of love for some people, my month of love is in January.


So to speak.

And when that world slows down, dear.

I asked myself a question today.

If things are getting worst, should I go talk to a psychiatrist? 

I think I am going crazy.

I asked this question to a dear friend of mine Zash, and he said that "You already knew the answer to your problem, and yet you're thinking you're crazy. Please think with a clear mind. Your problem is not that extreme. Really."

It's hard to think when you're in a state of delirium. A temporary state of mental confusion and fluctuating consciousness resulting from shock, or other causes. It is characterized by anxiety, disorientation, hallucinations, delusions, and incoherent speech.

Well I haven't hallucinate yet, not having any sort of delusions. Nor speaking incoherently. Just plain crazy.


But I think somehow things are getting better. Or at least I thought it was. Probably he read my plea in my previous post. Thats why probably he drop a line showing he is still on speaking terms to me although he did not practically saying "Hi, how are you doing?" etcetera. But I wished he could reply any of my messages so that I know that we're good and we're going to be alright.


The funny thing is, I am so positive that we could get through our problem with each other but I am not positive of staying strong until we get to talk to each other. 


What's going on with us, I don't know. Whenever I talked about that 1 year thing, you would say I was the one who's going to give up on us. But now you're the one wrecking my heart into pieces. I've said I'm going to wait, if you've been reading my letters. Well I am going to although I am losing my sanity.


In the meantime, I'll just coaxed myself with whatever I have now. 


Blankets, t-shirts, sweatpants, undergarments, towel, helmet? Whatever that I could find in my room to keep me warm and ease me from my weariness, sadness, gloominess. Darn, I just love the English language, adding -ness just exaggerate everything.


Watched Princess and The Frog yesterday. Yes, I know I'm a little outdated. But I really enjoy the movie yesterday. It was light, funny, and amazingly amusing. Not your typical fairytale, but then they did lived happily ever after though. No castles, or horses, or knights involved. The story was set up in the 40's-50's era I think. In old Louisiana jazz town. So throughout the whole movie, it was all jazzy. Who said everything has to be 3D in order to make the story interesting? Sometimes back to the classic basic is what we need. Two-thumbs up to the movie though.


I hope things are going to get better soon.


I know it will.


Short notes:
Feels like its raining in my lungs. Please throw me a banana-boat and come rescue me.