Love me or loathe me?

Why are we here? Are we born to procreate and die? If so, should finding the perfect mate be our sole responsibility? Or, should personal goals be our primary concern? Most agree, the answer is in finding the appropriate balance. But, is that really possible?

How do two people balance each other out when they’re realistically standing on different beams? If the whole concept of a relationship is to work together and become one or one unit working on behalf of two, who’s personal goals become the priority of the unit?

Can two people, who have different personal goals or dreams coexist in a relationship without making sacrifices that will infect and eventually change ones own individual soul?

Can your love for another human being change the blueprint of what you thought your life should be about? And, if we only have one life to live, should we as people allow this to happen? It’s obvious that making sacrifices is an unavoidable obstacle in every relationship. But, as conscious human beings, aren’t we all silently keeping score?

So, where do you draw the line? In an ideal relationship, how many sacrifices does it take to stop you from loving someone or knowing they’re not “the one” for you?

On the flip side, how many times can you allow someone to give in to your needs before you start to lose respect for them? Sure, it’s a constant balancing act. But, at what point does love blur the lines so much that it starts to rob you of your own identity or make you feel like you’re stealing somebody else’s?

How can two people be true to themselves and do what’s best for the two? Are we all organically lonely people selfishly searching for someone to accompany us on our own journey we’ve planned for ourselves or is there a perfect match for each and every one of us?

Do soul mates really exist?

If you agree life is about finding the balance between self fulfillment and your commitment to another human being. Ask yourself this, if you were the only person or obstacle standing between your loved ones dream, would you risk losing them forever to allow them the opportunity to live it out?

Could you make that sacrifice?

If you didn’t, do you think the relationship could still survive?

Sidenotes:

Wanted to blog on what's been happening lately in my life, but still sorting out words to explain madness that's been going on everyday. I guess it's just enough to let my readers know that I am still alive and not dead yet, or else I wouldn't be blogging this.

This is a random post, not linked to my love life nor referring to anyone in specific.

I'm excited looking forward to salary day, although there's a lot to pay this first month.

If only barter system still exist, I would have trade whatever is there in my room for cash.

Including Q's cats. Haha.

Why every moment has to be so hard?

It's been a while since I last blog. That's because I haven't paid up my internet services. Since I always come back home from work feeling too tired to come online, I thought it would be such a waste paying up for the net if I am not home to use it. Oh, I do miss every single each and one of my faithful readers who left wonderful comments in my email and my Facebook inbox asking me why there's no daily updates recently. Life has been a hectic scheldule for the past few weeks. Waking early in the morning and back home past office hours everyday with only 1 day off per week. Tired, not that I'm complaining but I seem to be enjoying how things were lately.

As I am blogging this, I wonder how my weekends going to be. I'm taking Sunday off this week instead of Monday. I also wonder how am I going to managed my first pay. Need to pay for rent, the internet, "the this and the that". I miss certain people in my life lately too. M, D, the other two A's, T and S. I also miss AFJ, VNG, and few other friends. It's funny how I seem to be confusing people with all the initials I put in my blog. Some may think I am talking about certain someone, when actually sometime I wasn't even referring to a person at all. It's funny too why I do miss certain people when all they did gave me were heartbreaks and madness emotion-shock to my heart.

Today I had a thought. I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." I am turning 23 this year and I still make decisions by going eeny-meeny-miney-mo when it comes to less-serious life situation such as where to eat, what to wear and etc. 

Okay. I am having writers-block moment for now. Shall continue with that thought when I regained self-conscious with my brain again.

Now let us move on to what's been happening lately to me for the past 2 weeks. Besides work, and feeling awesomely tired everyday, I seem to be amused with few other matters in my life. People, problem, heartaches come and go. Some left marks, some left me with more problem and some left me with temporary happiness. Meanwhile I was having a self-thought-battle with myself, few others seeks solace in me. Hoping for me to listen to their problems and expecting something brilliant or soothing comes out of my mouth. 

But then, what friends are for right?

I hope I could get through this temporary chaos in my life. If you stop driving me crazy probably I could and I will. 

Wishing everyone a happy weekend ahead. I hope I'll have one that filled with love, happiness and laughter.

And I hope it's not temporary.

As usual, I love everyone loads and always. Especially my dear Checimy.

Sidenotes:

Once internet is paid up, I promise more dumb-blonde rambling. Do hope writers-block be gone soon.

It's in our nature to forget what matters.

I haven't been blogging much due to my busy lifestyle lately. Tired and lack of fun time, but it's good since I could get some time off diverting my mind doing something else rather than dwelling myself to tears for the past couple of months. However, through the midst of "busy-ness", I still have the time off to think of everything that's been happening lately in my life.

It's in our nature to forget what matters.

As I sat down yesterday, thinking of the problem I've been having, I realized that I actually contributed to the problem as well for the past couple of months. Sometimes when we thought we were doing the right thing for the benefit of everyone, it's actually tearing up others without realizing it. I sent a text message yesterday to that someone that I was having problem with, saying I was sorry and after everything thats been going on I realized that it's my fault as well.

That someone didn't reply to my apology instead divert the "text-conversation" telling me about the back pain that someone is suffering after a long day of community project at school. Then told me "can we talk about this later?"

Time and again, I've said to that someone. I'll give that someone all the time that someone need in this world. I just wished that someone would accept my apology and slowly we sort things out together. I do think that someone is slowly accepting the whole forgiving-reconcile process because that someone has been nice to me lately. Probably because I was not being pushy for answers as I did all these while, and I only replied in happy-tone sentences when that someone replied to my questions.

I guess sometimes we do have to mellow down and be someone that the other person wants us to be in hoping to get something good in return. Although it hurts when things are not aligned as usual, but at least we're not screaming, shouting and yelling at each other like how it's been for the couple of weeks. No tears rolling neither for me for the past couple of days.

I don't believe in this statement before given by Q few weeks back, but I guessed time do heals all wounds. The bigger the wound, the longer time we need. Sadly, wound of the heart is not transpirable for the eyes to see, so I don't know how long is the length of time we need to be in the chapter of happy ending. But since I am busy with my life lately, I guess waiting wouldn't hurt me much after all.

Okay. Enough of self-rambling. Random thoughts that I have today when I wake up this morning however were consists of "Sushi, PES 2009, Secret Recipe Cheese Cake, Gatorade, Extra-Joss, Oreo, Sausage and Cheese Takoyaki,  and the number 13-5005 and 2978".

Go figure.

Short notes:

But when it comes to you, I can't decide. It's only a mater of time.

The Dumb Blonde Who Dyed Her Hair Black explains...

In a blink of an eye it's already Wednesday. I'm down with sore throat and a little bit of flu. Had a hard day yesterday, and went back feeling feverish. Was it due to stress because of work load or matters of the heart? Probably both.

All I need is time.

Meanwhile I had a wonderful dinner although my throat feels like I've chewed down a table spoon of sawdust this morning. I miss how things were before, but yet I need time to sort everything that's been bothering me at the moment. 

I'm just too tired to blog anything good right now as I had a long day. Someone sent a comment saying whatever I posted on my blog and the way of writing doesn't reflect myself as a Muslim girl. May I remind there's a disclaimer on the left on my sidebar saying, "Any posts or comments made by the writer are for fictional purposes only, and should only be taken in a fictional sense."

So it is up to the reader to interpret whatever they've read in here. Some took this blog like a funny nonsensical daily wimps from my alter-ego, which is Eryn Azrin. For a start I'm not blonde, but the way of writing my views on life, relationships, friends are just funny and crazy. I'm not saying blondes are stupid, but its just a trademark I've carried around for making dumb blonde statements like the Buffalo Chicken jokes, or ending every sentence with "That's hot". 

The reason why this blog is called The Dumb Blonde Who Dyed her Hair Black is because, I shared the same birthday as the famous blonde Marilyn Monroe. Not because I am living a blonde life, making dumb decisions and drink champagne as breakfast. 

People who know me well, should have known that this blog is just for the amusement for myself and people around me. So next time before anyone do leave any comment, please leave comments based on the piece that I'm writing on, the way I write, or quote me off something rational and logical. Thats what other people have been doing in here in case you haven't read their comments.

Sheesh. 

It's funny how people tend to be judgemental over someone by just reading a few sentence off her blog or something she posted on Facebook.

So what if I don't join the group, MENENTANG PENGGUNAAN NAMA ALLAH OLEH GOLONGAN BUKAN ISLAM, We Love Islam & Muslims World (Invite Muslims & Spread Islam ) ♥♥, and decided to tick event invites to Zouk KL and Frisk party over at Frangipani?

Does that mean I'm going to hell or a bad person, or maybe someone you can't trust? Sometimes I eventually tick everything on my wall because by saying no or maybe you actually have to decide between both. So I just go online and tick, tick, tick for the sake of unclouding (if theres such word) my wall on Facebook.

Another issue I am having, is people tend to misquote me of here and there lately. Well that's another topic I shall blog on soon.

So please don't make issues out of nothing. I am turning 23 year old this year and I think I'm legal by age to think for my own years ago and make decisions on what I want.

What you got or have against me seriously?

Short notes:

I'm tired, but yet I am trying to work it out.

First Moan-day of the Year One-Oh.

Yesterday, I said I was going to blog at night and was all in chirpy-fruity-loops-cheery mood as I had a Saturday full of happiness. But I think I was taken as a fool in happiness instead of being full of happiness. Apparently someone doesn't know how to count his blessings when he was given some.

What the heck you think I am? I effing wait for you like 1 whole month plus 6 hours at the airport and you decided to blow me off on Sunday? Am I someone you took on a roller coaster ride? All fun and jiggly but step out feeling nauseous and with head-thumping-temple-clouding?

I don't know what sense am I talking about as I am typing this. I don't know what I did to deserve listening to your lies. Starting to wonder what is right, wrong, the truth or lies. And you fucking dare told me that I should have TRUST you when you said you're going to call me and meet me when you come back?

Fuck. In less than 24hours time you decided to fuck up again with me.

I thought we can try to be better this time.

I don't know whether I should hate you. I don't know why am I still waiting.

I don't know what to feel now.

Please is all I'm asking for.

Short notes:

Probably you just love seeing me like this. But hey, if I could have waited 1 month and 6 hours for Saturday to happen, what makes you think I couldn't wait another day, month or maybe year?

Please pour 100ml of water into this bottle and 2 scoops of milk please.

Second day of the year 2010. Where do I start? It started off with a text message on my mobile saying S had got into an accident. Nothing broken, just some scratches here and there. He took a nap after the accident at Z's crib and was out and about with me later at Asia Cafe with TC, and another Z. Had light dinner consists of Takoyaki and fruit juice. Hang out until about 3 am or so, then we headed home. After dropping me off at my place, I received a text message from Z saying TC car broke down somewhere where S accident took place.

That was something to start off my midnight of 02.01.2010.

Meanwhile, this morning I woke up having a nervous wreck. Without a proper plan, no schedule, no flight itinerary,  I decided to just hit the airport wee in the morning to surprised someone I long to meet for answers to questions thats been bothering me like hell. Arrived at the airport around 9.22am, which was earlier that I expected. The night before I listed down all possible flights from Kuching which starts as early as 11am and last flight out from Kuching arrives around 11.30pm.

First flight arrives and I waited like a daughter who's waiting for his daddy to come back home and hit McDonald for Prosperity burger. You'll only get this if you've watched the advertisement on Malaysian tv. While waiting for the first flight to arrive, I made up a new friend, R. She was waiting for her brother to touch down from Terengganu then off to Sabah together. She asked me who am I waiting for, told her my whole complicated story and she said well don't give up hope and all the best. Funny how I still have time to make friends although I was feeling all jiggly and sleepy at the same time. R then went off  and say goodbye after her brother arrived. Then came an Indian tourist with her baby in arms waiting for her flight at 3pm.Well I was bored so I asked where she was going thats how I know her flight is departing at 3pm. Then while I was still dazing my eyes over the arrival gate although there was no arrival at the moment, the Indian tourist asked me, "Could you help me out?", "Please help me pour 100ml of water into this bottle and 2 scoops of milk please". Before I knew it, I was making milk for some stranger's baby. How odd was that for a surprised unplanned trip down at the airport for me. Waited but a no show from him.

Second flight arrives, I decided to changed my spot of waiting to somewhere much more nearer to the gate of arrival. Took out my notebook which I written down the list of available flights from Kuching to KL. Then a police who was walking around, stop by me and asked. "What were you crossing out on that list?". I showed him the list that I made, and told him the reason I was there. He was like, "Usually its the man who do the waiting." He asked what if his flight is not today, and I told him I'll sleep here if I have to. Then he told me to go to Air Asia's counter and asked for his flight details. I went there, but sadly I don't know his IC number, so they couldn't help me much. As it was their policy not to reveal passengers list unless you have the person's ID or booking number. Giving full name wasn't just enough, although I tried L's trick by telling he called me telling he is coming back today, but before I get to write down the flight details the line got cut off, and I couldn't reach him as there were no service at where he's at. It was a lady at the counter, I bet if it was a guy I could just slipped down my phone number and get every details I need. Waited but still no show from him.

Third flight arrives, and I started to feel hungry. A bit dizzy too as well, since I rushed to get to the airport and all I had was a cup of Joe. Decided to go and buy something and all the sudden the arrival gate starts flocking up with people. So I waited and felt like crying at the same time thinking being here was just a mistake. What if he's not coming back today? Am I still going to wait up until the last flight? I told my friends I would wait if I have to and was so positive about it but after 5 hours of waiting, hope seems to runs down on me bit by bit. So again I waited with no signs of him.

Few minutes later, I decided to stand up just the time for the fourth flight arrives. As I stood up, I saw a traveller with a red Deuter backpack and a familiar grey t-shirt, something similiar to what he gave me. My heart just goes beeping mad, jumping inside of me, wanting to get out of my rib cage. I know thats him. The one I've been waiting to talk to for the past 1 month. Saw him walking to the luggage center to take his luggage. 15 minutes later, he walked out of the arrival gate. He shoot straight for the door without looking left or right, without noticing or expecting me to be there. I walked out to him. Held his hand and said "Hey".

He was stunned to see me there.

I decided not to elaborate more on what happened after that, because it was something private between me and him. Well there was tears rolling, hugs, Subway dinner, heart to heart confession somewhere in the middle. The whole 6 hours of waiting, and helped some stranger make milk for her baby was worthwhile after all.

But I'm glad to say it all ended up with Happiness.

Shortnotes:

Thanks to all friends who wished me luck on Facebook, text messages and calls. I made it through the day with your support people. I love you all loads.

Should've known you'd bring me heartache...

Almost lovers always do.

Quoted of someone's Facebook status, which I guess she also quoted it elsewhere. We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find. Cliche or lame as it might sound, metaphorically speaking it does make sense.

Starting off my first day of the New Year feeling hopeless. Out of 100% probably now I'm left with 10% of hope maybe by tomorrow around 2-5% before my heart totally goes on discount bargain. At this point, I put all my hope on my bag of miracle. This is the time where I believe in fairy dust, or red-greenish apples from a witch doctor. I do need all the faith I have in me to pull this off.

What a post to start off my New Year.

Eventually I did went off to The Curve yesterday with A, S, Z and I. It was just another New Year celebration with a bunch of Arabs, Turks, Indonesians, crazy angst-teens, can't-let-go-of-each-other couples, and hyped snow-bubbles-tin-can-spray monkeys. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, just a night of music, crowd and friends. After the whole count down ritual and being mobbed by the spray-freaks monkeys, I felt a little dizzy. Almost choked inhaling gases from the spray-cans and all other sort of odours from the crowd. Nevertheless, I shall say I did enjoyed the night although my head was thinking about lots of things while I was pretending to celebrate.


After we thought we had enough ordeal with screaming, yelling, foot-thumping, body rubbing with the crowd, we decided to hang out in front of the grass pit or shall I say the small lawn in front of The Curve. Chilled, cam-whored, laughed and giggled about craps for an hour before we decided to go to Murni in SS2.


I didn't eat at Murni as I already had dinner at Ikano. So I watched them eat. Things get a little bit more fun when me and S starts crapping about the whole "Why we should carry a lighter, although we are not smoking?" crap to I. He was convinced with our ideas, and said he shall buy a lighter one soon. Around 4.30am we decided to head home. Sent S off at Bukit Antarabangsa. By the time I reached home, its already nearly 6am. Hair smells like rubber, but I was too tired to clean up. Changed my clothes and went straight to bed instead.


Woke up today with the sound of my lovely faithful alarm which I set at 12pm. Funny how I still have to set my alarm although I plan to wake up by lunch time. Usually alarm are needed if you need to wake up at an early time. As usual it is just another day to go by.


The whole New Year anticipating feeling by certain people are still yet to be answered by me. As I don't feel today is any different than the days before. Just another random day with a different date.


I know it is just the first day of the New Year, and I hope it is not too much of me to ask for the rainbow to shine down on me soon.


Shall load pictures from yesterday rendezvous soon after I get them loaded by S.


Short notes:
The last time I heard the Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy was in someone's car. Didn't get to listen to it fully, as that someone told me "This is not the right song at the moment". I just downloaded it just now as the phrase "Goodbye my almost lover" crossed my mind before I blog this post.


I finally understand why.

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.

In a couple of hours time, 2009 is going to take its final bow and drags in another number : 2010. What a crazy, dramatic, loved, hormonal year it has been.

To me 2009, is a year of heartbreak. The year where I've heard a lot "I'll be there for you if you need me", "No matter what I'll always love you", "I can be myself when I'm around you", "If you leave me, who else going to call me *insert pet names here*", "I love you because of you", or "Must there be a reason to love you?"

Craps.

I hope 2010, is not another year of dysfunctional relationships with everyone I met in my life. Few days ago, few friends told me they saw some improvement in me. I asked them what sort of improvement? They said  I sound okay, happy and moved on. Z even told me, "See, it doesn't hurt that bad, right.."

What they don't know is, I had double dosage of heartbreak in a week.

So what do I look forward to in 2010? I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. I'm not going to plan anything specific, as knowing myself very well the whole resolution list would only be sticking up on the fridge for 1 month, before I start crowding it with other important notices or pictures. So to summarize everything I want in the 2010, I would just say happiness in life, good health, and lots of money. Perhaps world peace as well?

I'm turning 23 years old next year. In 7 years time I'll be 30? Oh sheesh. Well, age is just a number. Whats the point of having a big number in your profile or resume, if you're still acting like a child who runs away from responsible when you're the one who broke the vase? In my case, hearts.

Well let me let go now since its over for me.

Anyway, I'm still in dazed where to celebrate my New Year. When I asked around, majority spells out The Curve. Like theres no other better place than that? But then I did surveyed whats happening tomorrow, besides the major clubs, The Curve seems to be a good choice if you just need to be in an open crowd instead of chugging beer bottles and mad heartbroken drunk people. Yes, New Year parties usually are filled with broken hearted cases who drinks away gulps to bid sorrow away from their life. And some are on the prowl of looking for someone new to screwed up with.


I'm just going with the majority votes later on where to celebrate our New Year.

I wish everyone would have a splendid year ahead, filled with love, happiness, good carrier, and good health. In conclusion I wish all the goodness for everyone. Hope we're not looking forward to the new year for a new start on our old habits.

Happy New Year, and be safe everyone.

I love you guys loads, always and forever just like how I love you guys in the previous years.

See you in my first post for 2010.

Short notes:
Will I get what I want in few days time?

If ever there was a doubt. My love, he leans into me.

When someone told you he'll always be there for you when you need him. How long would he be there until he decided to leave? 2 weeks? 4 months? 1 year? Or when he is with you, is he with someone else too as well? Questions seems to pour in and out lately. It's been days since "The Day" happened. Thoughts lingered in my head for these past few days.

I do need him now, but he's not here to answer my every questions, my confusion. How is it to hang a tab curtain without a rod? How do you plug in your speaker when there is no more USB port left? How do you cook that Durian sambal? How do you it would make me laugh when you do that whole rapper imitation singing? How do you make everything feels right when I am wrong?

Sometimes it doesn’t feel so bad, you know? The pain and the constant ache. It’s like a toothache that never goes away, but it is in your heart. And like a toothache, every time you bite into something hard, it hurts a whole lot more. Perhaps like a few BBQ skewers piercing through flesh? 

I hope God do listen to my prayers, the thoughts in my mind. Hope the Almighty could give me some closure on whats been happening in my life lately. I know what I want. But does He want to give it to me? Sheesh. I am not asking much, just a little bit of sign saying theres hope left for me still. 

Two days till New Year. Been invited to a New Year party by RD. The next day another party in Euphoria with B. Decided not to write any resolutions as I always do every year because I only want one thing in this world. Am I going to get it? I hope I do.

Short notes:
Short post today as I don't think I do have any interesting updates until New Year.

As the year 09 ticks off...

Last weekend and today was a blast.

Ikea with housemates, did a little grocery shopping, hanging out at Mali's Corner with S and Z, street gazing down the KL roads, unplanned Putrajaya trip with Z and A, Ikea again few random people, watched Alvin and the Chipmunks, random arguments with someone, untouched dinner and received a highly anticipated message reply in my inbox.

Yes, I've typed it out all in chronological order.

Random things seems to excites me lately. I miss how I used to be back in the days. The Eryn who wakes up looking forward to cooking lunch, where to eat for dinner, sushi take-outs, donuts indulgence, chocolate feedings, facial-mask treatments and so many littlest-activities in the world that seems to fulfill my heart with its own definition of Happiness.

Not that I didn't enjoy myself lately but a certain kind of happiness seems to be missing out from my heart which turns me into a very unstable lady with an unpredictable bitch-fit every hour or two.

Okay. Maybe not every hour or two. If it does occurs every hour or two, I would gladly drive myself to the nearest mental ward for depression diagnosis. But yeah, lately I get pissed off quite easy, lay off the whole period statement because I haven't got my period due too being all stressed out. Heart feels numb and goes on cardiac arrest mode every now and then. Theres a shovel in my heart and it's digging a hole.

The year 2009 is drawing its curtains down soon, some people been asking me what is my New Year resolution? What do I want in my life if it ends tomorrow?

Happiness.

Enough said.

Short notes:

Sleeping time seems to be all haywired, I need my Valium back.