:*: I miss my Bakry :*:

Have you ever bothered to realize
how much you mean to me?
I care so much for you inside
and miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious about
the way things might have been.
As days go by and time goes by,
I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,
I had the whole world right there.
There you were, comforting me with
all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you
was like a dream come true.
This love that I have inside my heart,
it all belonged to you!

It's funny, all those little things
I never thought I'd miss,
Like all those conversations we had,
or the first time we kissed.

I guess that what I'm trying to say,
is I miss and love you more each day!
It hurts me not to see you,
or not to know if you're ok.

I want you to understand
that I loved you from the start.
And I want you to know,
no matter how many miles
we may be apart,
you'll always hold a special place
in my heart.

-Author Unknown-



Sidenotes:
I'm amazed by this drawing from Margaret Keane (above), focusing on big eyes drawing. I want Big Eyes too ! I think my eyes isn't big enough.

My blog will be on semi-hiatus for a while, but I'll keep posting when I feel like it, updates will be a lot less frequent than usual. This blog will be back to normal, when I'm recovered from my post-emo state. (If you've been following this blog, you'll know what I mean)

:*: Weighty Love :*:

I was going on to write about something else, and I feel kinda shitty right now, and all of a sudden I realize that love always come at a price. The difference between love and like and that 'Love' wasn't necessarily better then like. Love isn't about the incredible lightness of being, love is heavy for most people I guess, and even I can't help but worry a little about Bakry's feelings. And I nearly never worry about other people's feelings. I can deal with mine, can't they?

I just don't get it. I'm very glad to have him; the most important thing's that I'm really into him as a person and all of that, there's definitely fantastic chemistry, better then the sort most other people have I suppose but sometimes I really just don't get it.

I suppose the thing that could really upset me would be saying that I was wrong, punishing me for it, and punishing yourself while doing it. You know. Like Catherine Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights. Terribly depressing book; silly, immature mains, don't you think. I wish he wouldn't do it any more, but I suppose it's all been so fast, and I am terribly unpredictable. But we all learn. Besides, if I were predictable, what fun would that be? I couldn't live with myself then. He'll never have to worry about me becoming too boring. Two days of not feeling inspired, and I felt myself thinking in my class today how nice it would be if we could just choose to die painlessly when we wanted.

Why are we still alive for anyway, what was the point of it. Would it make a difference if we died today, or tomorrow, or several decades later? If Paris Hilton had died as a baby, who's to say someone else wouldn't make a better 'heiress' ?

I love him, but I cannot bear this constant worrying about whether I've done something to make him feel less loved whenever I get angry on the phone on him, or don't manage to talk to him because of school, or whatever. But things like that work themselves out eventually I suppose. We'll just have to do what we feel is right. And the moment that stops happening, and what is right isn't what we feel is right, then that's that I suppose.

Love is a great thing while it's happening, and it's worth to cling onto some people and some things. Reciprocated attachment can be a very satisfying feeling, but you've only got one lifetime to lead. You've only got one Today, one Now. Love is weighty, and maybe many people see it differently, but I grew up in a life that treated it very lightly. There was no " I'll stick through it even if you treat me like shit" nonsense. And it's really better that way.

Better and more real.

Better, and more real because you're happier, no one takes advantage of anyone else, and if love is about being happy and about hope and about a sense of freedom, then it is more real. Depression is always mostly imagined and just a fucked up state of mind for most people, happiness is usually a real cause. Something good happens, and you're happy. The world for most of us is filled with more good things than bad ones, so certainly most depressions are just a fucked up state of mind.

Sidenotes :
Yay : because I won't have Maths tomorrow and Friday.

Also,
Boo : because I have to go to school this Saturday and for the next 2 consecutive months Saturdays' because the Education Ministry decided to bring forward the school holidays (so we have to replace the school days) and to start the school earlier next year. Meaning the only "self-pampering" time for me is only Sunday ?

Darren said "Wtf..tu la suruh go college dulu tak nak.."

Now I have to appreciate any given Sunday.

:*: Sick :*:

"The Pink pills are for your Sanity"

Down with a lil leaky nose, cough and a mild fever since Thursday. I'm still sick today, so let me excuse myself from blogging. "The Pink pills are for your Sanity". Haha, it actually got me laughing.

I will resume blogging when I recover from my sickness, and as soon as I'm "inspired" to write something. *Giggles*.

Or more like should I say as soon as I have something to rant/ramble about ?

So please pray for my Speedy recovery.

Save Eryn.

Meanwhile on the Sidenote:

Tomorrow my second sister, Annise is going to sit for her UPSR . Her papers gonna finish on Wednesday. Good luck to her. Looking back the days when I had my UPSR makes me feel like I'm so old now. Which was like what? 6 years ago ?

Also,
Good Luck to my friends who's sitting for their STPM trials tomorrow, especially Yilin ( my therapist in Penang ), and my angels in U6Science1,Science2, and U6Arts2. Also to everyone I know who's sitting for their STPM this coming November.

Well you dont need Luck , all you need is Study. That's what my ex use to tell me everytime I'm gonna sit for an exam.

All the best you people.

P/S : Since I'm sick, you are forced to hear Norah Jones.

*Ooh, how my body appreciate Jazz when I'm sick..haha.*

:*: Self - Independence :*:

Oh well, as we all know yesterday was Malaysian Independence Day. Dove = Freedom ? Freedom = Peace ?

I actually think I'm getting better at this. At slowly weaning myself off my parents, systematically loosing dependence. If I were any older, I'd be a fraud to be writing everything I did, and to still be living with them. It's too Malaysian, not that being Malaysian is bad, but rather the fact that we just seem to live with our parents...forever.

Living is quite incomprehensible, don't you think.

For a long, long time, there didn't seem to be any way around things. If you lived here, you'd know what I mean. Literally, there's just such an inevitable sense of routine that seems inescapable most times. It isn't actually, but some people never leave it (fact: I'm still stuck in it) because it's too comfortable, but more-so, because they haven't comprehended anything else.

What did education ever do for me anyway, I've memorized more textbooks then can be good for me, I'm not being contemptuous and self-effacing. I know I have talent, it's just that I can't seem to make money out of it yet. Why's that?

Oh I'll tell you why that is. It's because I spent all that time memorizing books to which all I got out of it was maybe a couple of certificates from the school for the occasional good performance (unfortunately very rarely).

So today, which is quite like many 'one days' I have woken up to previously, realised I need to get a grip on my life, as cliche as that is. I'm a balanced individual, normally. Life is easy to handle, I don't do hard drugs and will never do hard drugs, I have an eating disorder, but it's much better now then it was a couple of years ago. But when it comes to what everyone expect out of me, God, I need to get out.

Everyone expect so much out of me. It's insane, and horribly unfair.

Hate having to be considerate to them all, and all the time, especially when they're not considerate to me. In fact, I hate being considerate to people because I have to; who does.

But if you have to so that it makes life easier... don't suppose you've given yourself a choice, have you.

Have I ?

I need to function as an individual. I honestly should leave, and it's scary for me to think about it, because I know I can. They don't teach it to you in school. Everything here functions as one bloody big community, you can never live for yourself. Consider your parents, your grandparents; for God sakes everyone can consider themselves, they are humans after all.

I'm getting older and I really think this irresponsibility about my life on my part simply cannot do. But God, I am so lazy. Why should I work when I can live off them for a few more years?

Perhaps I should find someone to live off, either way, I'm beholden to somebody.

I really need to figure things out, need to start doing something, make something, be productive. This world does not run on empty. I wish I knew how to, though.

Meanwhile, Bakry is so cold towards me these days. Why couldn't he compromise and love me like he used to ?

I miss the 'old' Bakry. The one that makes me feel like a princess and sent me emails that cheered me up when he is not here to make me happy.

Overall today is a shitty day, I even got punched at my left arm by some dude from next class, and he dared to say to me he was joking. What kind of sick joke was that ?

Ouch my arms hurt.

My Quote of the day:

Repugnance is simply a variation of fascination.

Merdeka?

Well, its been a year and now Merdeka is back...

As usual, its cold tonight and rainy since Spring is here. Ahh, a rainy Merdeka where no one bothers...

Somehow I realized that its the same back home in Malaysia. I mean, how many of us actually bothers to celebrate Merdeka?

I know I dont. The only "Merdeka" thing I did would be seeing the "Merdeka!!!" message on tv at 12 midnight.

Do you all actually go to the parade and wave flags, shouting "Merdeka!! Merdeka wei!! Merdeka!!" ?

In the end, you'll most probably end up at the mamak, having a teh tarik and maggi sup kari..talking about soccer or video games, or have a bowl of soto ayam.

To me, Merdeka would be lepaking back in Malaysia with my comel...having a bowl of soto ayam while watching tv.

Yes. That would be my Merdeka moment..

Muah, love ya.

:*: Untangible and problematic :*:

I'm completely incapable of writing down everything I feel at this moment, so I won't. I get a bloody headache every time I think about anything that concerns my love life at all, so I've decided to simply not think about it. Not too much anyway.

But I've discovered a few things. That people normally take other people more seriously then I do, and that just about everyone I've dated in the past has taken me more seriously then I will dare acknowledge to myself. It is a great big fuck up in the world, but people are fucked up like that. There are so many other girls out there who will give up everything for them, and they have to pick me. I will give what I feel like, and like I said, am an extremely volatile emotional investment. But they've decided to pick me instead. I've a feeling it's precisely because of that. I'm just more fun or at least I think I am. *Shrugs*

And men and women are infinitely different. Women will get back and cry and beg and accuse almost immediately and do so continuously. I think men just put down the phone and sit on it for a long time, years even; then maybe one day, when they decide they really want the person back, they call.

But people are weird sometimes. They get really annoyed when they're sad and they hope the other person feels it too, so I always end up trying to feel what they feel, and when I tell them oh I've made myself sad now, I hope your happy, they tell me to fucking just be happy and can I not be sad. And in Bakry's case, it's even weirder, because he generally just assumes I'm sad, even though I'm pretty darned sure I give him not cause to think that whenever I talk to him.

I'm extremely confused. Everything is hopeless, and we are all fucked. Great.

I am going to stay in the bed for several hours and go for a good dream for even longer and hope I don't have to make any stupid decision in my dreams concerning any stupid thing as un-tangible but yet so darned problematic, like love.

***************************

Meanwhile figure this out for me:

:*: Smooth Criminal :*:

I definitely have no inspiration to write about much today, although (as usual) in the course of the last few hours, many nice things have happened.

I really do think there are two kinds of people in this world, the people that live activity filled lives, and the people that don't.

I mean, how is it possible that without trying, 6 hours out of any day of my existence can be more exciting then an entire week of someone else's.

Oh well, toodles.

* No, I'm not caught for condoms smuggling. Take it more like a Celebrity in the making...caught infront of her house taking the newspaper by a Paparazzi. Lol, such a Vain Pot.

Note : Me with a pink bag, well you can only see the strap.

On a lighter note :

PHOENIX : In her days working as an escort or as a stripper at Christy's Cabaret, Brandi Hungerford wore skimpy outfits or, for a premium, nothing at all. On Thursday, the 28-year-old star witness walked into Robert "Dakota" Lemke's capital murder trial wearing distinctly unsexy black-and-white prison stripes and pink handcuffs.

* Pink handcuffs ? My friends gonna get disgusted over this one.

Bondage a go-go me baby.

C..cc...ccooolddd....

Sigh, its so cold today. Had to wake up really early to get to uni for a group discussion. Then found out that my partner is coming to uni a bit late, so I decided to take a nap before going to uni..a short nap that is. But I woke up at 11.30am instead. ahahha..

Made some good progress tho, so its all good.

Had my Kick boxing as usual til around 7...and got home at 8..had a shower..dinner..etc.. and around 12.30am, realized that my right ankle is swollen! OMGWTFBBQ??!!

So I had to wrap it a bit, but that doesnt seem to work tho.

I got hungry at around 2am, so went to KFC for a snack...well...4 small pieces of chicken... sigh, the chicken you get here is way smaller compared to those in KL. Haha..Malaysia boleh!

Miss my comel! Sayang awak ok?

Muah.

Its already 4.30 am..comel mesti marah I ni .

:*: Voices :*:

I talk about silly things like that over the phone at 45c/minute.

What I'm wearing, H****, Wet K****,
Where's my ***d, Where's his h***,
Shower, Bed, Holiday plans.

Yesterday evening, after a long while, and a great long while at that, Bakry and I finally got down to contacting each other with an ancient invention called the telephone. He said Hi, and all of Microsoft's efforts at taking online conversation to the fifth dimension fell flat. Web-camming and MSN's with smilies?...Couldn't live up to the pleasure that hearing his voice brought. (I know, I should get the mic and my cam fixed. Huh.)

Conversations over the whimsical little fantasies we have for ourselves.

I don't normally (if ever) feel this way with people. It's usually silly to feel this way. All that's rational in you tells you your stupid to believe in anything like that. But I don't want to care.

Things were probably different a few months back, compared with now. But I'm glad we're still together. Because even after nearly 1 month since he got back here for holiday, his voice still sounds exactly like how I remembered it, and hearing it makes it as if he were really here.

And I laugh, and he laughs, and it's like we're playing with the sheets and throwing pillows at each other before we tumble into bed.

He's gentle, cute, and secretly romantic .

He promised that he'll be back on a holiday come November. Well, we've managed it this far. With undulating periods of on and offs no doubt, but it's been managed. I'm sure something will work itself out.

And if it doesn't, at least it made me feel damn good about everything for awhile.

Real damn good. It's strange hey. He's all on the otherside of the world, but he can still make me feel better then anyone here possibly can.Or perhaps it's just the way I am.

My imagination's fantastic like that. Capable of turning everything into the most incredibly poetic symphony in my head, my heart and my gut when it so chooses to.

I love him so very much. I guess I'm being terribly stupid. And LDRs (that's long distance relationships for the uninitiated -shame on you! In this day and age? And you haven't discovered the joys of loving someone on the otherside of the world?), maybe they are really all just about imagination and being in love with the impression of someone you chat to for a couple of hours a day.

But who cares. Talking to him makes me feel elated, makes me forget about every shitty problem I have, makes me feel like I connect.

I like how he is. How he never worries about anything, how it doesn't matter if he'll be busy when I'm around; He'll make time and make sure I have a good time.

I've been sort-of sick for three days now. What a way to spend the lovely month of August, I know. But now I'm really, truly sick, finally. It's just one of those things you've been waiting for to just come ON already so you can get it over and done with.

Walking in the rain last night was the ultimatum.

I've got this horrible habit where I prefer to get drenched over hassling with an umbrella. Besides, how sexy is a wet white top?

Don't know, but it's definitely not worth getting a 39 Deg fever.

I shall crash on my bed and never wake up.

:*: I love his Waist and He's Sexy :*:

Or was it me who's Horny ?

I hadn't seen him in awhile, and he's gone to Australia ( which we ALL know that ). I was looking at his pictures last night, and thought, Damn! He's really quite small built after all. His hair's all grown out now, and I thought he looked really cute with all the little curls he used to have. I think his Waist is Sexy too.

Every time I spend my day with him, I really like cuddling him, although it does make for some very restless sleep. I don't like it when I can't come over; falling to sleep in that embrace where the curve of my back fits onto his body, with his hands holding my arms (you can do that with small,petite body like me) is just too priceless.

I found the perfect song that should pretty much sum up my attitude today. I've listened to it countless times before, only, I never really listened to it. It's Sleep Together, by Garbage.

If we sleep together
Will you like me better
If we come together
We'll go down forever
If we sleep together
Will I like you better
If we come together
Prove it now or never

Make me a pretty person
Make me feel like I belong
Make me hard and make me happy
Make me beautiful

The emptiness
The craziness
Satisfy this hungriness


**Two Random Observations**
1) People give me multi-vitamins. I have absolutely NO idea why, but I am consistently being offered multi-vitamins, especially after meal, or too much fizzy drinks. Usually both.

2) Nestle Cereal is stupid. Kellogg Cereal is stupid. They refine the wheat till there's no nutritional value what so ever, add alot of refined sugar, artifical flavour, and then proceed to add vitamins artifically. Why don't they just give our kids the real thing?