:*: 19 year old Confessions/Confusions :*:

Confusion sets in as I turned 19 yesterday.

So have you ever been really lost when it came to your future?
Were you want to live?
What you want to be?
If your going to be married?
Have kids?
Were you want to work?
Will you have any of the friends you do now?

Well thats were my head is.

Looking forward...

I am planning on continuing to pursue my degree in Medicine and maybe living somewhere in Kay-Elle but not sure about that plan yet... hope to get married and have kids but first I have to find myself a man, which I already did. I hope to have some of my friends from now, keep in touch...but you never know things can change in an instant. I learned that one already...

Looking back...

I sometimes wish that some of the friendships I had in high school hadn't gone sour and been lost along the way. I sometimes wish I did things different and thought things through before I acted, I wish I wouldn't have lied, told people things I shouldn't have, but I guess we learn as we go and I have changed a lot since then, more than most would think. I believe all people change in their lives from the experiences they have and well I have and probably will continue to learn for the rest of my live. So I would like to apologize to all those I hurt, pissed off and/or lied to, I would also like to thank all those who helped me learn and change for the better...

Looking at the present...

So the thinking goes on and hopes that I will take the right roads to my future comtinue to set in my mind. But I am going to continue to like the place I am in (no matter how much I complain) and live life to the fullest as we all should. I am going to keep my head high and not let negative people take me down. So I am going to go and will be back to talk later...


Signing out for now,
Your future KL Democrat Doctor.

But I'm still think I'm a Liberal.

:*: Candy floss of Lullabies :*:

I scream as my pen knife leaves another dirty, deep cut on my wrist. Yet the pain soothes my fragile body. Seventeen cuts. And counting.

How many more am I going to make? I don't know. I don't think I care. I cry a little bit more. Anger rises as I am pouring crimson regrets and betrayal. I throw the pink swiss army knife Abby gave to me for my twelfth birthday into the sink. I feel disgusted. I feel used. I spit on the floor.

The sight of my blood takes a hold of me for a second or two. I always scored a distinction for Biology and I knew that there was way too much blood flowing from my body, seeping through the cracks of the toilet tiles. This routine's getting old.

"Hi Eryn! Gosh, I missed you!" I hugged my boyfriend Bakry, leaving a linger of my Paris Hilton perfume on his body. But he himself smelt good, like freshly-baked croissants. Then I noticed: he had that look. That look I knew so well ever since he showed up one Saturday afternoon and assured me that I deserved better and that everything was going to turn out all right.

But that a while ago. He changed. He moved on. I didn't. I wouldn't - because my body simply refused to do so. He was my first serious love and I wanted him to be the only one, more than anything else. Absolutely pathetic.

"Bakry! Bakry, look!" I gushed. "Butterflies!" They flew around us. We giggled with joy as Bakry held me up and tickled my tummy. I loved it when he did that. We looked happy. Just like a dream couple on Oprah's magazine.

I woke up with a pang of dizziness so sharp that it felt like I had been hit with a teflon frying pan on the head. My limbs got hold of themselves and I stared at my body in front of the mirror. I resembled Wednesday from Addam's family, just worse. The bags under my eyes reflected a troubled person, who had spent nights crying, unable to sleep. Oh well. Stila make-up does wonders.

I stay in my bathroom a little while longer. My housemaid, never cleans well. So I cleared everything carefully, making surenot to leave stains. I have a warm shower to wash these cuts, put on a new sweater to hide them and practice the smile people expect to see when they talk to me.

My body finally gives up on me. Black out. Here I go again. My eyelids struggle to open. The bright light from afar blinds me. Hospital lights. When I get my eyes to focus, I noticed that they have my wrists bandaged. Ahhh, they always do that. The last time I was here, they stitched it up too. I shrug.

A girl my age is sobbing , hugging her knees, on the bed to my right. She is looking into a compact mirror, touching her face, dissapointed. She turns to a page on entertainment. Page 10. Lindsay's Lohan Maxim photoshoot, it seems. She was photographed half naked, almost beautifully, showing the world what she had to offer. Showing tormented 17 year olds what they could not have. The girl then tears the picture of her icon to bits and screams into her pillow.

Shivering, I stand up and drag myself to the open window. It's a quiet night. A peaceful night, indeed. I am more than a couple stories above ground, witnessing an amazing view of the neon city lights, feeling the warm and calm wind. I have never felt more beautiful in my life.

And then...without hesitation...facing the sky and the midnight stars...

I die.

:*: Are You Afraid of Death ? :*:

You know when you have those mental outbreaks and you think your life sucks and there's nothing to live for?

Well I just had one about 2 hours ago and to be honest I didn't really hate it or anything. All of it was just so true to me.My life, at the moment, is a completely worthless. I have no future and my present sucks, or at least thats what I think. To better understand where I am coming from lets have a review of my life.

Social Life:
Ok, Eryn basically has close friends whatsoever. My wonderfully loved "sister", May whom I'll never forget. She's a lot more important than she'll ever know, but anyway, other than her I'm not significant enough to actually hurt a lot of people when I die. Oh sure, you guys will mourn over my death if I was to suddenly die right now, here on the spot but time will pass and you'll move on without a big problem. This is simple because I'm NOT important to many people at all. Don't give me that "Oh Eryn! I care about you!" bullshit. No seriously, for those of you whom I rarely talk to and just "know" don't act like I'm very important and say all this caring crap because it'll just make me feel worse. I know who I'm close to and the people who barely know me/interact with me. If I died, no one would really care, period.

Family:
My family hated me. Now they've molded me to a angst filled teenager who will never appreciate what her family does for her. My dad might be a total inconsiderate jerk when it comes to my opinions and emotions but he works his ass off making money so I can have all the luxuries in my home. My mother, whom only expects high grades from me and doesn't care much about anything else does so much to try and please me, she does so much, yet I just brush it off saying she doesn't love me because it's all material happiness. Well news flash for you Eryn, maybe thats the only way that she knows to express her love because she grew up in poverty in some little house in Singapore. I'm an ungrateful daughter who takes her parent's care for granted.

Love:
I'm not going to even go here. For some odd reason things are always "not meant to be" yet I defy reality and try to go against it hoping to win.

Usually I'm awfully sad when I type these self-reflections about myself. But you know what? I'm absoluetly fine right now. I figured, there's 2 kinds of people who're not afraid of dying in this world.

First, the ones who've accomplished everything they wanted and believe their life has served it's purpose and secondly, those people who have nothing to lose and are only living because of a strand of hope.

Hoping for the chance to live a life that they'd actually love. So with basically with a certainty of nothing to gain and nothing to lose, they don't really care whether they died or not. I can honestly say, I'm not afraid of death right now. No, it's not like I want to die but I don't really feel like living either.

So if some murder dude came here and sliced my head off I wouldn't be too scared, except maybe for the pain. Ok better example, if I knew I'd die in my sleep tonight, I'd go to sleep.

I'm sick and tired of life.

:*: Turn on Channel 16th on Astro this 30th Dec :*:

Just a reminder:

As we know Blast Off! the talent show for unsigned bands and groups are back !

My friend Naqib from Three Flow and Dj Chaos from Colab8 are running for the Vocal Group competition.

Please vote for them.

If you love me please do, hehe.



Three Flow with Naqib (center)


Three Flow

Check out their music on their official site:
Three Flow





Chaos (left) with his group Colabr8

Check out their music on their official site:
Colabr8

All you got to do is using your mobile phone, type in VOCAL >space<group name(3FLOW/COLABR8) and SMS to 32888.

Each SMS is chargeable at RM0.50.
Fixed line : Dial 13713, then press 0 (3 flow)
Fixed line : Dial 13713, then press 2 (Colabra8)

For more info please log on to Blast Off!

:*: A post for May Lee :*:

I received an sms from May Lee today at 12.26 pm today.

Below are the exact excerpt from the sms:

Haha. Shit man...
I was looking for bakry's pic in the peterpan group pic till i read your later on reminder. Lol ! Btw, I might be going too !

Oh May, this is for you.

:*: New Year Resolutions :*:

Happy New Year to all my faithful readers, may you enjoy a wonderful year ahead that awaits you.

Love,
*Miss Eryn*

Erm, how cliche the pink fireworks picture huh? Oh shut up you, I love pink !

So apparently, I'm suppose to have a resolutions for the new year. Umm...be more active and go out more and uhhh, flirt more? That and possibly stop getting to close to people, especially guys. They have the tendency to eat my heart up pretty quickly. Haha, I'm playing people..


If my brain was a computer it probably would've overheated a couple of days ago. I'm kind of glad that schools starting up again. I'll have to start thinking about useless educational work again and maybe that'll keep my mind of crap or make me feel worse. Ah well, either way works for me I guess.


New Years Resolutions for 2006:

- Be a good girlfriend to my "baby cakey".

- Be a good friend to everyone.

- Be the best student in school or at least in my batch and score straight A's and get into my medical course and be a gynaecologist, so I get to lick my patients, ooh..that's just Hot, yet Kinky.

- Be a less rebellious and a good daughter especially to my mother.

- Get more pretty.
(this one is impossible, unless I decided to do some surgeries and sculpt my high cheeks bone)

- Lose some weight, I'm freaking 51 kg now.

- Be more productive with my time.

- Get at least 80% in everything for school.

- Get my bloody driving license already.

- Get out more and meet new people.

- Learn to bake and cook more for my baby.

- Manage my money well, my baby said I've been spending too much on unnecessary things especially on my phone.

- Stay away from guys because they're evil and break your heart faster than you can say "Hey, I needed that!" (Hehe, joking again)


Thank you very much to the people who've been there for me for the past (soon-to-end) 2005. I really, really appreciate your time and I'm really happy to have friends like you. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, I'm the type of person who really likes attention and feeling "important" so it all really means a lot to me.

Thank you so very, very, very much. Especially Yilin and May. Thank you so much for caring and being there for me. I'll pay you guys back someday for everything you've done.

What am I doing on New Year's Eve?

Erm nothing I think, unless decided to go out and make my ears deaf listening and watching the firecrackers display at KLCC Park or make my eyes bleed by watching rempits walking around making fool of themselves. If only theres a law to shoot them..or hocus-pocus them out of my sight.

I know where I'm gonna be at 1st January 2006, 8 pm though...


Peterpan Concert at Merdeka Stadium with Bakry !

Oh that's Peterpan incase you didn't know and trying to find Bakry's face in there, haha. No, he's not in there.

I'm a sucker for good Indonesian bands like Cokelat, Dygta, Dewa and so forth..incase you didn't know that too.

Wee, Bakry got us tickets to watch them Live at Merdeka Stadium. That just make me love him more ! Haha.

Oh well, people.. enjoy your New Year aight?

This blog is taking a rest, will be back after New Year OR might be back tomorrow if I missed you guys a lot OR if I got something juicy to share with ya.

Toodles.


Short talks:
I've been thinking anonymous on why our relationship didn't work out.
You didn't love me like Bakry did.

It's that easy.

:*: A Very Forgiving Christmas :*:

:*: Merry Christmas to every reader of this blog :*:

I slept around 2.30 am last night on my sister's bed. Around 4 am I woke up again and moved to my bedroom, checked my phone and realised I received a missed call by a very long time ex-friend around 3.36 am.

Very suprising.

He doesnt know my number but he knows it was me who sent the Merry Christmas message. He said he forgives me for what I've done wrong to him.

Suprising suprising.

Thank you 85h0t and yeah Merry Christmas to you too.

Losing a good friend out of anger was unspeakably painful. The couple of months after he left me were just, so saddening. I cried, and cried and cried like the pathetic fool I had been the entire time. As time passed I began to think more about myself, was it my fault that he left? Questions rattled in my head day after day..."What's wrong with me?" "What could've I done?" "Was he wrong or was I the wrong one?"

I tried changing myself to find whatever it was that I had missing or whatever it was I did wrong. I wanted to become a better person for them and as a result, I did become a better person. Oh sure, maybe it was all for him, but at the same time, I believe I did a big favor for myself as well.

There's a saying I've been trying to live by all these years..."Don't let the problems that come out of life let you down. Instead, embrace them and learn from them. Then don't look back and keep running forward". For awhile I couldn't find the strength or motivation to live up to this ideal. It only seemed to work for the little things, when the big waves hit it went down the drain.

Lately though, I think I've finally grown accustomed to it. There's a little secret to it. What you need is, something in your life that's made you so unbelievably happy that whatever situation you're in you can just think about it and smile again. That way, the emotional stress put on you from said life problem will have less of an effect so you can stay calm and think straight. The main reason why people get upset or have breakdowns is because they're too overwhelmed with emotion. As long as we can keep our thoughts clear we can think thru anything taking the right course of action (Assuming you're not an idiot and can't think even when you're completely calm. Then I hope god saves you or something)

I want to make people happy, as cheesy as that may sound. I want to be the cheerful girl who's there for everyone else. No, I'm not trying to be some sort of saint. It's just that the world is so full of shit as it is. I mean, the human race is destined to destroy itself, world disparity will never end and fuck, who knows when violence and war will ever stop? Humans might no deserve happiness but it pains me to see others hurting.

I always complain about angst-filled teenagers and depressed kids who're always spitting bullshit about how life sucks and that no one understands them. Well just sitting here whining doesn't help at all. In fact, it probably brings me down to their level. So you know what? I'm going to try helping these kids and being there for them. Throw advice in their faces and all that good stuff.

What do I get out of all this? Well, there are 3 things in the world that can make people happy. The first being love, the feelings of acceptance, understanding, security and warmth of your loved ones holding you whether it be your best friend, lover or family member. The second being your accomplishments, from the feeling of pride attained by achieving your goals and dreams, to the little things such as finally learning how to tie your shoe or ride a bike. The third is the indescribable feeling of joy that you get out of helping others. Whether you're giving them a hug or just standing there to let them vent off their shitty day at you, you can't help but let out a smile to be glad you were there for them.

It's true that I won't be able to become a solid pillar to hold up the weight of everyone elses problems. I'm very well aware of the fact that I'm not invincible; but I want to at least try. Try and be there for as many of my friends as possible. What am I to do if I was to crumble myself? Well, I'll use that ideal of mine to get right back on my feet. Sometimes, closing my eyes and remembering my friends is all I really need. To think they means so much to me...

Meanwhile on the other hand...

As we know Blast Off! the talent show for unsigned bands and groups are back !

My friend Naqib from Three Flow and Dj Chaos from Colab8 are running for the Vocal Group competition.

Please vote for them.

If you love me please do, hehe.


Three Flow with Naqib (center)


Three Flow

Check out their music on their official site:
Three Flow





Chaos (left) with his group Colabr8

Check out their music on their official site:
Colabr8



All you got to do is using your mobile phone, type in VOCAL >space< group name(3FLOW/COLABR8) and SMS to 32888.
Each SMS is chargeable at RM0.50.
Fixed line : Dial 13713, then press 0 (3 flow)
Fixed line : Dial 13713. then press 2 (colabra8)

For more info please log on to Blast Off !

:*: Why I hate our National cars :*:

Jeremy Clarkson shows his frustration on companies that seem to take make cars as a pure for-profit matter… perhaps you could call it cars with no 'spirit' or 'passion'. The victim - our very own Perodua Kelisa.

Jeremy Clarkson annihilates the Perodua Kelisa

:*: Spoof :*:

I've been trying to lead a care-free life lately. As in, trying to do the whole don't worry about anything and just focus on the bright side of things. It's kind of working, but not? Haha.

A friend of mine told me I don't smile enough anymore or at least, he hasn't seen me smiling at all lately. It was kind of weird actually, I never realized how depressing I looked to everyone else. It seems that I'm always staring off in space buried in my thoughts without a smile nor a frown, it's not like I'm trying to look this way, but I can't help it. There's nothing to smile about?

Heh, that sounded angsty.

Ok, I have nothing else to extract from my mind. Ciao.

:*: Rest in Peace - A post from the emo side of Eryn :*:

I don't know how I feel about myself. Am I proud? Am I dissapointed? Have I lived up to standards I set for myself? Wait, I know the answer to that one. No.

From a third person's point of view I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. But hey, who cares? Everyone's pathetic one way or another. So lets cough it up Eryn, why are you bashing yourself again this time?

Well, I'm a competitive whore. After seeing the capabilities of other people around me I began to feel inferior. Not inferior to "them" but to the rest of the world.

I'm no where near the professional level others have already achieved my age that I want to reach as well. I'm even on par with some of the not-so-serious students at my class. I want to be better. I want to stand out. Why? I really don't know.

I've been asking myself constantly before. Why do I strive to meet expectations that I can never reach? To prove my significance and existence? I know I'm not the kind of person who wants to be better than everyone else "just because".

No, I'm not a conceited asswhore or am I?

I don't want to be. I really hope thats not the reason.

Short talks: Idealists, Dreamers and Religion

Ideals, dreams, hope, trust.

I've just come to realized how they're all so childish and unrealistic. I hate how everything I've learned up until now about "not giving up" and "anything is possible if you try your hardest" is all a lie.

A fake. I'm an imaginative person,maybe thats why I like art so much?

I like seeing the idealistic hot dude who always come on top by doing whats "right". I like seeing the good guys always getting the happy ending that they deserve.

Sadly. Thats not how real life works but not just to a certain extent sometimes it works in the complete opposite way. They say the truth hurts. Why yes, it certainly does.

I'm a dreamer. I'm an idealist. I choose to continue living this path. Why? I'm living in denial. I deny reality and the unequal circumstances it brings upon people.

I want to believe that if I try my hardest I will achieve what I want, because at least, false hope can still bring me happiness and joy. I may feel like a fool after I've failed to achieve anything, telling myself what an idiot I was and how I had seen all of it coming.

But what if I do become successful? Then I can stand on top of my very own mountain telling the world that with hard work, anyone can achieve their dreams even though I'd be lying to every single one of them because deep down inside, I know life is nothing more but a gamble.

That my friends is the unavoidable truth. Actually, it's avoidable if you live a life of lies. I despise false hope. Sometimes I believe it's a blessing for those who're able to live in a care free manner thinking someone loves them all and is watching over them.

I hated people who were so weak that they had to create an imaginative figure-head to make themselves feel better. I thought it seemed as low as taking drugs, drinking alcohol or making an imaginary friend, just something that will wash all your problems away because they choose to run rather than accept the truth. But lately I've come to realize and understand the people that just can't take the pressure reality pushes on their shoulders. These people NEED religion to get up every morning, walk out that front door and face whatever life has in store for them.

So, I don't exactly hate religious people anymore. It's not a matter of who's weak and who's strong, just that life can be so cruel some times. I still hate those preachers who come to me asking me to behave though. Bastards.