:*: Spoof :*:

I've been trying to lead a care-free life lately. As in, trying to do the whole don't worry about anything and just focus on the bright side of things. It's kind of working, but not? Haha.

A friend of mine told me I don't smile enough anymore or at least, he hasn't seen me smiling at all lately. It was kind of weird actually, I never realized how depressing I looked to everyone else. It seems that I'm always staring off in space buried in my thoughts without a smile nor a frown, it's not like I'm trying to look this way, but I can't help it. There's nothing to smile about?

Heh, that sounded angsty.

Ok, I have nothing else to extract from my mind. Ciao.

:*: Rest in Peace - A post from the emo side of Eryn :*:

I don't know how I feel about myself. Am I proud? Am I dissapointed? Have I lived up to standards I set for myself? Wait, I know the answer to that one. No.

From a third person's point of view I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. But hey, who cares? Everyone's pathetic one way or another. So lets cough it up Eryn, why are you bashing yourself again this time?

Well, I'm a competitive whore. After seeing the capabilities of other people around me I began to feel inferior. Not inferior to "them" but to the rest of the world.

I'm no where near the professional level others have already achieved my age that I want to reach as well. I'm even on par with some of the not-so-serious students at my class. I want to be better. I want to stand out. Why? I really don't know.

I've been asking myself constantly before. Why do I strive to meet expectations that I can never reach? To prove my significance and existence? I know I'm not the kind of person who wants to be better than everyone else "just because".

No, I'm not a conceited asswhore or am I?

I don't want to be. I really hope thats not the reason.

Short talks: Idealists, Dreamers and Religion

Ideals, dreams, hope, trust.

I've just come to realized how they're all so childish and unrealistic. I hate how everything I've learned up until now about "not giving up" and "anything is possible if you try your hardest" is all a lie.

A fake. I'm an imaginative person,maybe thats why I like art so much?

I like seeing the idealistic hot dude who always come on top by doing whats "right". I like seeing the good guys always getting the happy ending that they deserve.

Sadly. Thats not how real life works but not just to a certain extent sometimes it works in the complete opposite way. They say the truth hurts. Why yes, it certainly does.

I'm a dreamer. I'm an idealist. I choose to continue living this path. Why? I'm living in denial. I deny reality and the unequal circumstances it brings upon people.

I want to believe that if I try my hardest I will achieve what I want, because at least, false hope can still bring me happiness and joy. I may feel like a fool after I've failed to achieve anything, telling myself what an idiot I was and how I had seen all of it coming.

But what if I do become successful? Then I can stand on top of my very own mountain telling the world that with hard work, anyone can achieve their dreams even though I'd be lying to every single one of them because deep down inside, I know life is nothing more but a gamble.

That my friends is the unavoidable truth. Actually, it's avoidable if you live a life of lies. I despise false hope. Sometimes I believe it's a blessing for those who're able to live in a care free manner thinking someone loves them all and is watching over them.

I hated people who were so weak that they had to create an imaginative figure-head to make themselves feel better. I thought it seemed as low as taking drugs, drinking alcohol or making an imaginary friend, just something that will wash all your problems away because they choose to run rather than accept the truth. But lately I've come to realize and understand the people that just can't take the pressure reality pushes on their shoulders. These people NEED religion to get up every morning, walk out that front door and face whatever life has in store for them.

So, I don't exactly hate religious people anymore. It's not a matter of who's weak and who's strong, just that life can be so cruel some times. I still hate those preachers who come to me asking me to behave though. Bastards.

:*: My Dream Car :*:

I want a Mazda RX-8 to go drifting with at Penchala Link, haha.

But I want it in black, with black leather seats and it must be automatic.

Picture me getting down my black RX-8 with my summer pink Ferragamo sunglasses.

Hot.

* I mean the car, I know I'm not Hot. Haha.



Short talks:
-Happy 18 months to Bakry.
-Going mamak for the first time for breakfast with Bakry tomorrow (we never go mamak for the past 18 months we known each other)
-Watching downloaded Narnia with him tomorrow.
-Planning what to do on Wednesday.
-Still deciding whether Thursday or Friday going to KLCC. Hope Tareeq's coming.
-X-mas coming and Holidays ending soon.
-New Year resolutions? (Still thinking)

:*: Updating is Fun :*:

Okay, so I haven't been writing entries. I've been busy. What Eryn? Been holidae-ing again? Actually, no. Lately I've been cornered by loads of homework. In fact, the past few weeks my days have been like this:
Class, Come home, Study/Homework, Sleep.

Repetitive? Boring? Yes, very. When your life is nothing but educational work it gets to a point where you really wonder why the hell you're doing all of it. Besides the fact that high grades get you into a fancy university. Why exactly do we "need" to know what we're studying? There's a shitload of useless information our brain memorizes from school.

So, what has my brain been up to lately? Nothing much really...well, maybe a big shift in my attitude towards emotions and how others feel.

Argh, a frightening thing happened yesterday. My broadband modem thingy died and I had to spend the day WITHOUT THE INTERNET, OH GOD NO. Ok well it wasn't that bad.

Eh... Sometimes, I really wonder why on earth I'm so attached to certain things in my life. It's silly, illogical, irrational and ultimately all it does is make me feel like crap. Then again, it does give me a sense of... completion? I don't know.

Senseless emotion rambles are so boring.

I ramble too much sometimes about things that will never have an end. There was no closure to that. There was never a conclusion, it was all just a silly ruse to avoid the problem again. Now, the problem continues to infest my mind and my heart weighs heavier day, after day, after day. Actually, to be more specific I've got two of these going on right now. What in the blazes am I suppose to do?

You know, I really don't understand some people in this world. That or I'm just getting a bunch of false messages from their actions. It's like "Hey what up, I'm going to shove on a mask even though thats what drove you away last time" or it was "Hi, I'm an insensitive and inconsiderate jerk."

I was watching a show downstairs with my parents. It was some lame chinese soap opera about a detective dude who seemed to be the chinese equivalent of Indiana Jones/ Sherlock Holmes who can kick royal kung fu ass.

Anyway, there's a cheesy love story in it (like all god-awful soap operas) and the woman who's supposively "in love" with Mr.Chinese-Sherlock-Holmes is so fucking complex and unreasonable.

I mean, she claims she loves him but she's almost always being such an inconsiderate wench. That and she loves to argue with him, I swear she never tries to understand what he's doing/saying or really try and make things work out when there's a problem. She had this whole "Oh this isn't working, forget it" attitude.

What the shizzle? If you want to be with them then show you do and put some effort into staying together. Instead of going all "Hey, we argue too much and we're not working out right now. Lets break up so we can both feel depressed for the rest of our lives."

Oh, there's a part I love about this series because it's so ironically stupid. The guy's going to die from an evil curse thing the next sunrise or something dumb like that and she gets all upset/depressed, cries and everything. So they spend that one day being all happy and what not. Then he dies. Then what happens? She becomes majorly depressed and thinks about him non-stop whilst crying herself to sleep every night or something.

It's like gee lady, kind of late now that he's dead don't you think? Miraculously, I don't know how but somehow he was revived about a week later, then they become a happy couple and what not.

Yay? No... about 2 episodes later (now) she gets all angry with him again and goes back to acting the way she was. Seriously, the guy should fake dying or something. *shakes head*

Anyway, it was funny when I was watching it with my parents at the dinner table. My dad and I were both basically like "What the hell? Why on earth did she just do that. Why do woman like to complicate things like that?" (Yes, my father and I agreed on something. Amazing.) Then my mom was like "I'm a woman and even I think shes really annoying/stupid. I mean, why does she always do this when she clearly loves him?"

That made my day. People like that really agitate me in a negative way. But you know who makes me even more annoyed? The detective guy. He's still madly in love with her for some odd reason. What an idiot eh?

Oh man, I hate myself.

Now for something completely different: I'm like, really tired of this. I regret it and well..I want to... blah, nevermind. It's too late for me to be forgiven now, it's too late for me to turn back .

I only wish you're happy now. I really hope this is working out... if it's not I'm so sorry, so, so, so sorry... again, I don't deserve forgiveness.

I know we shouldn't forget, it'd just be the same as running away huh?

That's never the answer but... I'm sorry.

:*: Saudi's Wedding :*:

Edric forwarded this to me.
* Pictures courtesy of Getty Images









Hope they didn't go home with the wrong wife.

:*: To the One I Missed :*:

I was at the airport,
The walls were white,
The glass windows were tinted,
and, standing aside.

I looked out the window,
You were coming home.

And as I gazed at the deep blue,
Thinking of you,
I wondered just how much,
You might have changed.

Excitement filled my heart,
The flutter was no longer there
and the fear was gone.

I had thought I was right, but I was wrong.
I couldn't wait to see you again.

Had it really been four months ?
I had been forever impatiently,
Waiting for your arrival,
Then finally,
I saw the airplane fly in.

I pressed my hands against the glass,
Hoping to catch a glimpse,
The people came out en mas...(or so it seemed)

Everyone came out,
But I could not find you.
You were nowhere to be found,
You were nowhere to be seen.

Not giving up hope,
I waited.

Slowly, my smile silently faded,
But I kept on waiting,
And I waited some more.

Across the room,
The clock meticulously ticked.

Every second ticking louder than the last,
Until finally, hurt and weakened,
The tears ran down my cheek,
and the tears..

Awoke me.


Short talk :

Just for thought.

Old loves can still be friends for two reasons:
1. They never really loved each other,
2. They love each other still.

True that?

:*: I love Billy Zulkarnain ! :*:

Haha, let heaven falls and the crows sings. But I love this album so much, call me a sucker for pathetic, melancholic Malay and Indonesian songs.

"Hati Terluka" video clip is just so CLASSIC. Black and White theme, with the guys in Suits and Fedoras.

Apparently guys with Fedoras and Guitars is a turn on to me.

Tee-Hee.

:*: Vagina vs Penis :*:

This is the post that I wanted to write on tuesday or was it wednesday, but who knows, I don't remember.

To start off, this has nothing to do with anyone specific, but I have heard some of the things that I am about to say several times in my life, and it kind of cheeses me off when I hear it.

Why is it that females when a relationship doesn't work as wanted, because a male isn't as mature as they wanted always call him a boy, and say I need to find a man. I mean, there could be a reason why you are attracted to boys, it might be because you are a girl, and not a woman.

I think that females have an idea in their brains that when they reach a certain age, they are automatically a woman. I have no idea when that age is. I think it is when they decide they need to get married. They decided immediately how the relationship is going to work and what it is that is going to happen every step of the way. And any deviation from that plan is the guys fault. Why, because they are the one with the plan.

They have seen all three types of Chick flicks, the "Surprise I Am Pretty Now" as well as the "Odd Twist Of Fate" and the "I Don't Need A Man, But I Married one Anyway." In these movies, women do nothing. So, I think that girls believe that a relationship is just going to work, annd they will just have to look pretty as everything works out for the better. The only problem that they might have is that the guy might not have found them yet.

So when they do not feel like the relaitonship is fulfilling, it is obviously due to the fact that they are dating a boy, and not a man.

When I hear this, I want to say, what the heck makes you a woman.

I have always learned that a relationship is two sided. That if it wasn't then it really wasn't a relationship.

Now, I understand that every female has a desire to be needed, and loved and wants to be treated like royalty by the person that they marry. I am not saying that you should not want that, nor do you not deserve it. What I am saying is that if you really want a relationship, and something isn't going well, you can do something. If having a relationship with that person is worth having, and you don't feel emotionally fulfilled, have you yourself let them know in some way that you want that. Now that is the part that has affected me so that is why I am using it as an example. It does not make a person immature if they do not fulfill needs that you are not letting them know you have. If you need something and are not getting it, yet you want a relationship with a person, it is immature to not try and get these needs fulfilled.

So really what I am saying is that girls think they are mature, much like boys might. But girls feel they deserve men, when really they don't know what it takes to have a man, or even a relationship.

Of course now that I have gotten myself in trouble by what I have said, I am ready to take some shots, so fire away.

:*: Emotions Taking Me Over :*:

"Dual Emotions" - Rita Loyd

I think that is my problem. I hate emotions. All of them. No doubt. I have told myself that any rational action must be completely void of any emotion, when really, the opposite is true. Some kind of emotion is necessary.

I should not be the basis, but should be present.

I learned a long time ago, that emotions lie. That is true. Emotions can make you think that something is true when it isn't. If you let them run you, then you will never be consistant. Of course, emotions can also tell the truth. Like if you are passionate about something, and you feel strongly about what you beilieve it invokes a responsible emotional response.

The problem is, the lies and the truth can be both positive and negative emotions. It requires rational thinking to differentiate. Of course rational thinking that is void of emotion is the other extreme. Reason, when dealing with emotional people, often does not make sense. So there is a fine line between what is proper emotion to behave, and times to be reserved.

I have been really introspective recently.

Why?

I do not know.

Perhaps what someone told me made me think more about myself. Oh well...

I guess that what I do is try to tell myself that my emotions don't exist, or that they are always not the right answer. I guess this is what is called suppressing. Of course this leads to outbursts. Then, I feel bad about letting my emotions control me, so I just end up being frustrated, which I think makes me worse.

Also, I tend to when I do express myself emotionally, people don't want to hear it or they start laughing. Apparently when I express myself, it never seems a very positive outcome.

I don't really have much more to say. But, I wish someone would show up at my door, and want to hang out.

So I could be around someone.

:*: Lost and Found :*:

Whoa.

The last time I've blogged was 31st October, Halloween Day. I got captured by some Hooligans and nearly being stewed to death, but I escaped myself today and here I am. Haha, ok. That was a pathetic start for someone who haven't been blogging for quite some time.

So...miss me ?

Frequent visitors of this "rantville-blog" of mine must have thought that I've broke up with my blog or something. My blog is my open decoy-diary, haha I could never leave her.

I was just busy enjoying my holiday. Those who knew me well sure knows that, once Eryn gets her Holiday, she'll do nothing but Holiday-ing. Haha.

Went out yesterday. Original plan was meeting up Tareeq for breakfast, then off to Bakry's house to visit his mum, who's on leave till tomorrow. But end up playing "hide and go seek and run away" for 2 hours infront of Rasta with Tareeq. Then got chased with a cab until Bakry's house. Ugh, long story. You wouldn't wanna know.

Called Aishah while hanging out in the park and the villa, only she knows why I'm so happy. Had chocolate fest with Tareeq. Ate too much of chocolate and end up hyper till the night. He bought me my favourite of Toblerone, and I repay his Toblerones with Cadbury Dairy Milk, which end up in my stomach too haha.

Off to see Tareeq again on Friday. Haha, can't wait.

As for now, here I am.